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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been abused?

60 replies

DM16 · 12/03/2025 23:28

I finished with my partner two months ago. We don't live together thankfully. I got tired of his undercurrent of resentment and I feel jealousy about my relationship with my son who has autism. I'm there for my kid because I'm a good mother. Anyway, sometimes when drinking (he definitely has a drink problem. He drinks every night) he has been resentful about something or other and has blurted it out on drink. Once when drunk he called my son a spastic to my face. I hit him round the head I was so angry. Totally out of character for me but I was so offended. Before Christmas we had an argument about something stupid and he called me a bitch and a c**t. He was drunk. I got so sick of him that it took one more snidey text about me not getting him fresh bread that I ended it completely. I used to go over to his apartment and clean it (he never outright asked me to do this) because I felt I was helping him. I got sick of that too as I thought he was being really lazy not even getting the hoover out. Anyway, the last text I got from him he was drunk and texted that I was the one who abused him! I said why? Because I stood up for myself? I told him time and time again he drank too much. I moved to a new town last year to live near him and it was really hard work cleaning and decorating. He was bloody useless at the time and said he had the flu. He said the move would help our relationship. Obviously, it hasn't. He never said boo to my son as he knew better not to. I thought he was vile for the things he said and I lost feelings for him. Was I abused? Am I right to feel that he is the nasty piece of work he is? I think he's a narcissist now and doesn't to accept his responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship. Am I right to feel like the victim here? I do feel like the victim but he's making out I abused him! Thanks for listening .Clearing me head. I've blocked him now.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 13/03/2025 00:32

@Stafanko has covered everything.

Stafanko · 13/03/2025 00:29

Was it abuse or just massively unhealthy relationship? It sounds like a nightmare all round.
Maybe he was the instigator (and his drinking exacerbated) your arguments, although you don't say that.
You skivvied for him, but admit he never asked you to.
He called you names in the context of an argument (did you call him names too?). You hit him - in response to a disgusting slur toward your son of course. But you did still crack him round the head. I'm not sure violence in response to any verbal insult would be defended if it was the other way around.

Sounds like this relationship was toxic for both of you (and probably your son). Good thing you've blocked him so you can move on

Whoonearthareyou · 13/03/2025 00:26

The relationship sounds pretty toxic so ending it was the right thing to do. He sounds horrible and I'm all for standing up for oneself, but if this were a man saying a woman wound him up until he lost control and hit her round the head, I think the responses would be quite different. I'd echo that getting some counselling before you enter another relationship is important.

Maitri108 · 13/03/2025 00:07

You should have walked away after you hit him. He was calling you names and you were skivvying for him.

You need to stay away from relationships until you've done some work on your self esteem. Perhaps look at the Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships.

Original poster
DM16 · 12/03/2025 23:51

Thank you. X

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 12/03/2025 23:48

DM16 · 12/03/2025 23:36

Thanks. I told him he was an abusive man before I blocked him. No way on this earth do I want him back and I haven't shed a tear.

I’m so glad you’re free of him now. What a disgusting man, and well done for managing to stand up to him. It’s not always easy to do that, so all credit to you.

Original poster
DM16 · 12/03/2025 23:36

Thanks. I told him he was an abusive man before I blocked him. No way on this earth do I want him back and I haven't shed a tear.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 12/03/2025 23:33

Op I think it might be worth linking in with womens aid. Domestic abuse can be complex and if you look into the cycle of violence there's a point in the cycle that is provocation - this is where a victim basically cannot take the tension/ emotional abuse any more so they subconsciously try to break this by escalating a situation so it can move on to the honey moon phase again where things are calmer, less exhausting and feel safer. This is why often victims will blame themselves for their abusers actions and abusers will use this as material to gaslight victims with.

Original poster
DM16 · 12/03/2025 23:31

Thanks. I think he is gaslighting me into thinking I'm the horrible person. So glad to be shot of him.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 12/03/2025 23:29

I mean, obviously you’ve been abused. You must know that.