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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been abused?

60 replies

DM16 · 12/03/2025 23:28

I finished with my partner two months ago. We don't live together thankfully. I got tired of his undercurrent of resentment and I feel jealousy about my relationship with my son who has autism. I'm there for my kid because I'm a good mother. Anyway, sometimes when drinking (he definitely has a drink problem. He drinks every night) he has been resentful about something or other and has blurted it out on drink. Once when drunk he called my son a spastic to my face. I hit him round the head I was so angry. Totally out of character for me but I was so offended. Before Christmas we had an argument about something stupid and he called me a bitch and a c**t. He was drunk. I got so sick of him that it took one more snidey text about me not getting him fresh bread that I ended it completely. I used to go over to his apartment and clean it (he never outright asked me to do this) because I felt I was helping him. I got sick of that too as I thought he was being really lazy not even getting the hoover out. Anyway, the last text I got from him he was drunk and texted that I was the one who abused him! I said why? Because I stood up for myself? I told him time and time again he drank too much. I moved to a new town last year to live near him and it was really hard work cleaning and decorating. He was bloody useless at the time and said he had the flu. He said the move would help our relationship. Obviously, it hasn't. He never said boo to my son as he knew better not to. I thought he was vile for the things he said and I lost feelings for him. Was I abused? Am I right to feel that he is the nasty piece of work he is? I think he's a narcissist now and doesn't to accept his responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship. Am I right to feel like the victim here? I do feel like the victim but he's making out I abused him! Thanks for listening .Clearing me head. I've blocked him now.

OP posts:
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StrawberryDream24 · 14/03/2025 19:31

Things only upset people if they also agree with what this being said

What absolute 💩

StrawberryDream24 · 14/03/2025 19:30

DARVO.

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 19:12

Botanybaby · 14/03/2025 19:09

As a mother of a child who is bed bound due to starvation of oxygen I live by the mantra of sticks. And stones

Things only upset people if they also agree with what this being said

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Nonsense.

pikkumyy77 · 14/03/2025 19:11

Cherry8809 · 13/03/2025 10:35

Physically lashing out because you can’t control your temper is being violent.

Imagine if it was the other way around and he put his hands on you because you’d said something nasty.

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Agree. Every violent person has a “good reason why they “had to do it this one time.”

The difference between you (hypothetically) snd a common or garden abuser is if you extract yourself smartly from a toxic situation in which you erupt spontaneously in violence. If you continue in a relationship with a man whose vile behavior you try to correct through violence you are a) on a fool’s errand and b) also abusive.

Botanybaby · 14/03/2025 19:09

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 19:03

Let me get this right. You don't think a man calling a child a spastic is vile? Wow.

Show quote history

As a mother of a child who is bed bound due to starvation of oxygen I live by the mantra of sticks. And stones

Things only upset people if they also agree with what this being said

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 19:03

Botanybaby · 14/03/2025 18:56

If you are on about me I'm also a woman and the only vile actions I see are her .. the op physically assaulting her partner

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Let me get this right. You don't think a man calling a child a spastic is vile? Wow.

Botanybaby · 14/03/2025 18:56

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 11:57

I wasn't actually talking about you. Believe it or not, there's more than you defending this vile man.

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If you are on about me I'm also a woman and the only vile actions I see are her .. the op physically assaulting her partner

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 13:34

DM16 · 12/03/2025 23:31

Thanks. I think he is gaslighting me into thinking I'm the horrible person. So glad to be shot of him.

Why are you still in touch with him?

BruhWhy · 14/03/2025 13:32

Well, he sounds deeply unpleasant and it sounds as though the relationship was incredibly toxic.

However, you should have walked away the moment you raised a hand to him. There's no excuse for hitting your partner - even what he said.

Besides, does it matter if he was abusive? It sounds like you're trying to prove a point to him, when he's out of your life now. Move on for both yours and your son's sake.

ConnieSlow · 14/03/2025 13:28

1SillySossij · 13/03/2025 00:42

You are both abusing each other. He's an alcoholic and you are violent.

This and I hope you stop exposing your child to him too.

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 13:23

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 12:54

My abuser was always ashamed of her actions, had never done anything like that before and if you listened to her I was a drunken lazy loud mouth that never did anything.
Except I'm teetotal and always have been, was the one doing the housework and the only earner in the relationship as she was unemployed.
Turns out she'd done it before to her last 4 partners.
So maybe I don't instantly believe the "I've never done this before" also no one has done it before they do it the first time!

And again I'll ask would you be so okay with the ex being hit of this whole scenario was the other way around and she'd been verbally abusive to him and his kids so he lost it and hit her?

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There's no point continuing this conversation with you, you don't understand nuance or abuse except your own abuse.

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 12:54

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 11:48

Did you miss the bit about the OP being ashamed of her actions? That she's never done anything like this before? No-one is excusing violence. You're not willing to even discuss reactive abuse. You have very black and white thinking, you don't seem to be able to understand nuance.

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My abuser was always ashamed of her actions, had never done anything like that before and if you listened to her I was a drunken lazy loud mouth that never did anything.
Except I'm teetotal and always have been, was the one doing the housework and the only earner in the relationship as she was unemployed.
Turns out she'd done it before to her last 4 partners.
So maybe I don't instantly believe the "I've never done this before" also no one has done it before they do it the first time!

And again I'll ask would you be so okay with the ex being hit of this whole scenario was the other way around and she'd been verbally abusive to him and his kids so he lost it and hit her?

Molstraat · 14/03/2025 12:01

Obviously you were abused and yet you allowed him repeatedly into your home.
He is drunken abusive scum that you skivvied for.
You should have dumped him a long long time ago.
The way he spoke about your son is absolutely disgusting.
Why would you have drunken scum near you?

Have nothing further to do with him and involve the police if he comes near you or your home.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you see clearly what red flag men sound like.
The first time he behaved negatively about your son, he should have been gone for good.
Learn from this or it will happen again.
You and your son deserve much better than him.
Better no man than a bad man.
Good luck.

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 11:57

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 08:59

I'm a woman actually!

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I wasn't actually talking about you. Believe it or not, there's more than you defending this vile man.

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 11:48

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 09:00

So if she'd called his son a spastic to his face you'd condone him hitting her?
That's condoning vile behaviour

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Show quote history

Did you miss the bit about the OP being ashamed of her actions? That she's never done anything like this before? No-one is excusing violence. You're not willing to even discuss reactive abuse. You have very black and white thinking, you don't seem to be able to understand nuance.

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 09:00

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 08:56

You didn't answer the question so I'll take it you don't know anything about reactive abuse. You're conveniently missing that he called her son a spastic to her face but hey you keep going defending that vile behaviour.

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So if she'd called his son a spastic to his face you'd condone him hitting her?
That's condoning vile behaviour

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 08:59

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 08:54

Looks like the men have found the thread.

I'm a woman actually!

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 08:56

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 08:52

Would you be saying that if it was him reacting to her?

There is never an excuse to put your hands on another human in anger!

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You didn't answer the question so I'll take it you don't know anything about reactive abuse. You're conveniently missing that he called her son a spastic to her face but hey you keep going defending that vile behaviour.

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 08:54

Looks like the men have found the thread.

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 08:52

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 08:43

Have you ever heard of reactive abuse?

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Show quote history

Would you be saying that if it was him reacting to her?

There is never an excuse to put your hands on another human in anger!

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 08:51

DM16 · 13/03/2025 09:42

Slapping him on the head was a one off and totally out of character for me. When someone is pissed and calls your innocent son a vile name it is hard to restrain yourself. No excuses for that. Not making any. I had a few years of him resenting my relationship with my son and he called my son a cunt on drink before. I knew this wasn't a healthy relationship.

My ex hitting me was a one off until the next time I upset her, and the next and the next!
It's always starts with the first time that's ever happened before!

Wake up and realise you were domestically violent!

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 08:48

Devonshiregal · 13/03/2025 20:34

Ugh people are so annoying. ALL these people who haven’t been in an abusive relationship swanning in with their “shoulda woulda coulda” judgement. THIS is exactly why people don’t leave.

op, you didn’t give that much detail to know whether he is a habitual abuser or a drunken tosser. By that I mean some people are abusive when they’re drunk but if they quit alcohol you’d see no abusive behaviour from them whatsoever. Some people are abusive all the time, drunk or sober. If he’s the first but continues to drink, he is not going to change so you’re being abused. If he’s the latter, you’re being abused. So yes, he was an abusive.

If your post is honest, you’re not violent. And frankly fuck the guy he deserved a slap but you know it’s not actually ok or legal to hit someone so…ok good. Sorted.

Youre just feeling unjustly accused and it’s hard to brush that off because it’s like wtf? There’s someone out there in the world walking around with this narrative that you’re abusive. And they have ‘evidence’ because you DID act “abusively” (shouting, hitting, etc). But you know the truth and you know you’re better off so don’t spend one second more thinking about this. He’ll find someone else to latch onto soon enough.

Would you be saying it was deserved if she was saying "I got drunk called and my boyfriend's autistic son names, so my boyfriend hit me around the head. Was I physically abused"

Crackanut · 14/03/2025 08:43

Botanybaby · 14/03/2025 07:21

Sounds like your as bad as each other as your sat here blaming his behaviour for your abuse and violence

Have you ever heard of reactive abuse?

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 08:38

You were both abusive and I'm actually concerned for your son if you can't see that!
You physically and him mentally
Imagine if it was the other way around and you were drunk and called his son something so he hit you - you'd quite rightly be saying he'd been domisically violent with you. Just because your a woman and he's a man doesn't mean you weren't domestically violent with him.
Also hitting someone who's already drunk around the head is a very dangerous thing to do - you're very lucky you didn't do serious damage!

Stafanko · 14/03/2025 08:20

DM16 · 13/03/2025 10:17

I'm not violent! It happened once as he was ranting and called my son a spastic. I don't go round hitting people. I've never hit anyone in my life apart from this one off.

Edited

There's always a first time