I think my son is gay

My son is gay. Out at about 17, but he knew earlier. Went to Anglican Church, with us, and so possibly a softer gay message. He’s not burnt up yet. 35 now.

He’s involved, though not weekly, with a Church where he lives. A very open and welcoming Church.

Whilst there are hardliners in all parts of the greater Church many denominations and individual Churches are inclusive and welcoming.

Our own Church has become more inclusive - partly down to the work of our Rectory and possibly because he is gay himself? ( Parental gaydar!)

Support him with love and kindness. He may well meet bigots along the way but if you can instill him with a walk tall/f off attitude towards people like this you will have done him a big favour and helped him to survive this traumatic period.

All the best to both of you.

This to be honest. If he is gay, it's this in relation to religion that is causing him the strife. He's fine as he is.

DM went to a convent - Catholic guilt spreads far.

Have a preemptive conversation with him and tell him you love him no matter what and that you would love him whether he’s straight or gay, and does he want to talk about it. DH’s Dad did that with DH when he was 12 because he’s somewhat flamboyant for a straight man.

NC because I know some people will be upset with what I'm about to say...

I am a Christian (Anglican not Catholic). I am also predominantly attracted to other women.

I choose to be single, rather than have a lesbian relationship. It is my choice, not forced upon me by anyone (in fact I came to faith as an adult and my family are very unhappy with me decision). The fact is, I value my relationship with Jesus more highly than any potential romantic relationship.

I am not always happy - but no-one in a relationship is always happy with their partner either - but I am content and confident in my decision.

I am not saying that your son should or should not look for a gay relationship. But if he decides he doesn't want to, or simply wants to work through these things, here are two resources that I think are helpful (both are from a Reformed perspective, not Catholic)

The True Freedom Trust (pastoral support and advice; they also have a parents' group, I think)
The Plausibility Problem (book by Ed Shaw - not always easy or light, but honest about life in the church when choosing to be single and celibate)

If I were you I would put the homosexuality to one side. He’ll accept who he is and tell you when he’s ready.

In the meantime, I would keep regularly having discussions around religious beliefs and theology in general and over time try to gently influence him or have a greater influence on him than your sister or the Catholic Church at least. Healthy debate around these things is important to have with our kids.

You could share with him your thoughts on what you do and don’t personally believe in. I think most of us believe in or at least agree with some aspects of faith (kindness, gratitude, charity etc) so finding a common ground to agree on before discussing more contentious aspects would be key.

I think you need to talk to him about whats causing him to be so distressed, and try to get him to open up to you, or if he won't, you can at least assure him that you love him, you're worried that he's unhappy, and that you're there for him.

If he tells you he is gay, you can contact a local LGB Catholic group, which could give him a lot of support.

If he won't say what is worrying him, I think you should get him to talk to a counsellor, he needs to be able to accept himself, and not feel he's unworthy.

I'm a lasped Catholic, some Catholics are bigots, just like some Anglicans, Hindus and Muslims are, he needs to understand that it's not a central part of the religion, especially under the current Pope.

If you don't attend church then why not leave it together. You could also have a chat like

"Oh ds, I have something to talk to you and family about but I want you to be first to hear it from me. Am leaving the Catholic church. While I still believe in God (if you still do) I find that some of its tenets are at odds with my current beliefs and the bible."

Go on and discuss what ever including "and The Bible talks about an all loving God and I can't reconcile that with the church'homophobic approach which I believe is outdated and not anchored in the gospel or reflective of God's love for all humans. I believe God loves us all......
Continue with all other arguments of why you are leaving.
End with something like "You don't have to follow me. Whatever beliefs you decide to pursue, am always here and will always love and hope you will accept or at least my choice to leave the church".
Leave it there.
Do not say you think he is gay

This sort of thing is why I hate religions.

Get out of his head you all need to get out of the cult sorry to sound blunt op but ive seen so many hurt because of religion not just gay people.
But young women that have cant have an abortion even if its rape its wrong and disgusting i say this because it happened to husbands cousin and she was forced to keep a child after what she went through.
Thats not religion its control and a cult.

My son came out at 15 but i knew before then i just didnt bang on about it until he came to me.
We have no religion to me any religion turns in to some sort of cult.
I have nothing against anyone loving anyone when it comes to love there is no gender.
My son has never been pushed out never to feel bad or shame.
He told me first my words were as long as you are happy thats all that matters nothings going to change that was that.
When he told his dad a few days later he came straight out with it no faffing dad im gay and like men my husbands reply was and whats the problem i support all the colors of the rain bow son.
My son is married to a wonderful man now.
My husband came from a religion faith family and he said it was like a cult he left at 19 and never been back hes in his 50s now he said its freedom when you leave and can think for your self.

Why is is he Catholic? Because you brought him up Catholic. So whose fault is it that he's suffering Catholic guilt, I wonder?

why not go to a gay church with him ?

tell any family members to get on board the positivity train

Can you go find a local inclusive church? Two of my local Catholic churches are registered as inclusive - there is an LGBTQ+ outreach chaplain, they have a monthly LGBTQ+ mass, they have a stall at the local Pride etc. Even if you don't Go for the religion, it might be worth going just to talk to a few of the people there and get some advice. And maybe see if you can pick up some suitable merch, like this magnet I have on my fridge, just to have around the house.

Could you get in touch with local LGBTQ+ organizations and see if they have youth group and some resources? plenty of queer people are religious, so I would try and maybe get him to meet other members of the LGBTQ+ community who happen to be religious (or not) so he starts seeing that he can be religious and also be himself?

it’s very sad he feels so much shame about himself but it’s also a very normal part of the process of accepting one’s sexuality. Most gay people have loathed being gay at some point and felt shame about it. I am a lesbian and it definitely took almost two decades to accept what I knew about me since I was maybe 3 or 4. And I still came out as bisexual first as it seemed more palatable somehow. It’s a long process and there is a lot of shame involved and I was born not that long ago but still at a time where gay people where vilified and compared to pedophiles (still very much the case for many people.)

Your poor son is probably terrified because that’s likely all he has heard about (how bad it is to be gay). I would casually start watching TV shows and movies where gay men appear and invite him to join for movie night, not in a “we know you are gay and here is a movie specifically for you kind of way” but so it’s normalized. “But I am a cheerleader” is a very fun lighthearted movie that might resonate with your son where Christian parents send their lesbian daughter to a convertion camp, it’s a comedy, very funny and very well done and show how ridiculous it is to be against love in all its shape or form and that you can’t fight against who you naturally are, nor should you.

if it helps, I hated the fact I was gay when I was little but now you couldn’t ever find something that would make me want to be straight, I love my sexuality, I love myself, I am proud of the person I am and the people I have loved and if reincarnation is a thing I hope I am gay in each and every lives. 15 is a tricky age where you want to fit in and fear bullying if someone finds out you are gay, it’s hard. Keep supporting him through it and I would say to him “we know 15 is the age where you will start questioning yourself about all kind of topics and about who you are, and what that means. We want you to know that whoever you decide to be and whoever you are we will support you, as long as it doesn’t involve hurting anyone. So if you realize you are gay, or want to become a broadway star or would like start potery classes, go for it. It’s okay to find out who you are, and I know 15 is the age where you will get a lot of opinions you didn’t ask for about your life and who you are, might become or could become, just know that for us it doesn’t matter who you are, who you love and what the future holds, you are our child and we love you and will support you through whatever the future holds for you and it’s okay to be scared just give yourself grace, you don’t have to have it all figured out and it’s okay to be lost and confused, we all have been there, and you will be okay, I promise, even on days you think you won’t, there will be a day where you will wake up and see you are and you did. Trust in you and if you believe in God trust that he made no mistake and he made you just the way he wanted you to be and that nothing you feel or think he is foreign to, he knows what’s in your mind and what’s in your heart and he wouldn’t have created this version of you if he thought you should be any different. We love you and if there is anything we can do to help make going through the teenagers years easier for you we will always be happy to hear and work through it with you.”

Hi Op, My eldest son is gay. I am unclear why your son would be feeling shame at his sexuality. If this is coming from school or a Church then you need to consider moving him. To remain will risk his mental health and it is important to consider this. If you have gay friends you can invite them round regularly for dinner alongside their partners. Your son needs to see that gay relationships are just as valid and enjoyable as straight relationships and in practice are not that much different.

Be clear with him that whatever he decides is fine and you will support. Do not push it though he will be ready to tell you when he is ready. In DS's case this was not until he was 19.

I would talk to him personally, say you know he has not had a girlfriend or boyfriend yet, either is just fine, it is important to be yourself. Plus that organised religion can have some rather old fashioned ideas, but will probably get there in the end and love and kindness are what really matters. I hope he is ok, poor chap.

Quote: @Yolo12345

Chill out and let him discover himself. This will probably be the least important thing about him.

That's naïve to the point of stupidity. Our sexual orientation is EXTREMELY important to virtually all of us. To a practising member of a homophobic church, it's an existential quandary: he has to decide whether the teachings of his church are more important than being true to his natural orientation.

Most religiously committed people feel their adherence to their church as an intrinsic part of who they are. Their sexual orientation is also an intrinsic part of who they are, as it is for everyone. If these two deeply-interwoven parts of one's self are in direct conflict, you may be sure it's important.

Can't advise, OP, I'm afraid. This is one of many reasons I'm an atheist! If DS is gay and continues to be Bible-led, might it be possible to segue into the Church of England? Familiar rituals, small differences, much more on the fence about homosexuality.

Why would anyone want to be part of a religion that promotes and encourages shame? It’s so damaging.

I think you should encourage your son to let go of Catholicism and remind him continually that there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

Sorry I didn't see you no longer attended.

I think all you can do is love him and let him know you will accept him no matter what, and it sounds like you are.

I would keep making it clear that you have not issue either way so conversations along the lines of "if you bring a girlfriend or boyfriend home i can't wait to show them your baby photos" so not explicitly saying i think you are gay but making it obvious you know it's an option and you are fine with it.

However it appears less disappointing you and more disappointing his church that seems to be the real issue for him, can you reach out to anyone within the church that doesn't hold the views that gay people go to hell etc and see if they can talk to him? Either directly or in the same roundabout way? I'm aware some of the Catholic church are very black and white about this but many more are seeing the grey and allow gay marriages to be blessed in church etc

I doubt they would be open about it
Not Catholic priests anyway.

Are there any teenage LGBTQ+ charities in your locality. I know in Ireland there is a charity for teenagers, helping them to explore coming out and also to just hang out without pressure.

I also suspect my son may be gay or Bi, DS1 was previously quite committed to the church, but we are all lapsed now. I gently drop into conversation when I can, that I m happy for either of them to meet any nice romantic partner, the most important thing is they are a good person. I don't care if either or both of them are gay, any outcome is perfectly acceptable.

Keep letting the whole family know you are accepting of each and every one, exactly as they are.

Support gay events. Normalise being gay.

My wife was brought up in a very strict religious (Christian, but not Catholic) family. Much of the family is still fully involved in the church.

She also experienced a lengthy period of difficulty around issues of sexuality. I asked her what might have helped her growing up within such a culture. She said perhaps having the opportunity to meet and be around others who were living a Christian life, but were also LGBTQ+.

There is a Catholic LGBTQ organisation. Perhaps you might like to look at their website and keep up to date with what they offer, in case anything might be helpful for you or your son when you're both ready.

questlgbti.uk/

Wishing you both all the very best for the future.