I think my son is gay

I've made the fact that I am not homophobic and I will always love him blatantly clear.

@YeahYeahYeahsFan Have you? And in the same conversation? Because it's all well and good saying each of these things separately but I think you need to have a very open conversation with him. He's obviously tormented and the coming out process can be protracted, painful and confusing....oftentimes irrespective of religion or assurances of support.

I'd be so deeply wounded by the fact he is weeping in his room. The poor thing. Have you spoken to him when this happens? As in knocked on his door and sat with him? I'm not for a moment suggesting you're not being loving or attentive or supportive but he is evidently crying out for help so I wouldn't fear invading his privacy or feeling like you're being intrusive. Clearly something is causing him grave upset and on that basis you need to help him.

Why on earth has your son been raised in a religion/way that makes him ashamed of his sexuality? This makes me so angry, the poor lad.

Why?
If a person is content, and confident the choices they have made in life are the right ones for them, that life isn't wasted.

Maybe highlight that everyone’s faith is individual and it’s about hanging onto the bits that add to your life, not bits that hold you back. He can still be into the whole be a good person/treat others well side of Catholicism without taking on the anti-gay stuff (which isn’t in keeping with the other stuff anyway!!). Just let him know it’s ok to be many things - strong, sensitive, kind, confident etc. You say you have a lot of gay friends - could one maybe talk to him? One that’s less effeminate perhaps if that’s something he is against. It might be a case of “you can’t be what you can’t see” and a role model would be good for him to show him you can be a strong “masculine” man and also gay.

what a waste of a life

Is there a deeper reason why he is clinging on to this mindset that may be making him so miserable? Why has he latched on so hard to his aunt's way of thinking? Is there something else he is more afraid of if he was to leave it?

Maybe jesus was gay or bi. Live your life, explore your urges. We ll all be dead for long enough, no need to live a life of shame or denial of natural desires.

Your son has been spiritually brainwashed OP.
Times have moved on. Lots of Christians are gay! Even Catholics.

That is desperately sad.

I can't imagine doing myself a huge disservice and missing out on love in love for a hypothetical bloke in the sky.

If Jesus really 'loved you' like 'you love him' he wouldn't give a flying fuck about who's in a relationship with who.

Religion is such an evil cult. I've never see anything good come out of religion.

I fucking hate religions and this is one of the very many reasons why.

Poor poor boy.

Yes. Jesus's message was love, a message all churches corrupt.

Live your life @Flameproofvest

"he really just needs to get out of his own head…"

And there we have it. A complete lack understanding, empathy or anything else despite the words that have gone before. Poor kid

Tell him that the stupid, outdated religion he had no choice but to follow is totally irrelevant. Make damn sure to shield him from the inevitable prejudice from family members.

You don't know what he believes. You've completely contradicted yourself in the space of one sentence.

How has your sister been such a huge influence on him and you haven't balanced that out. I don't think you're looking at the facts of his upbringing very honestly. You can't blame others and it won't get you anywhere anyway. You need to get him proper help no matter what has happened in the past or who is to blame. It's what the situation is now that needs addressed, what's done is done, just getting someone to help him is what matters.

My cousin in his 40s (also catholic, although not sure if he is lapsed like me) is gay, and to this day I do not know if his mum (my mum's sister) knows. Been a few years since I've asked my mum that surely his mum must know, or at least cottoned on as to why there have never been any girlfriends, but my mum says she is none the wiser, and for whatever reason he has never told her. It's crazy that your old child could be so reluctant to state what we all knew from when he was very young (it really was that obvious). She is uber religious, like many of her generation, and I don't know if that has influenced his decision not to tell her.

Honestly, wether he is gay or not is really not the issue.

The issue is you allowed your sister and your religion, apparently, to cause huge issues in your sons thought processes.

He needs professional help to get over his thinking. It’s toxic and highly damaging

Sounds like you're protesting too much. You'd be fiiiine if he was gay 😏, countless (really? How many is countless 😂) gay friends or anything else for that matter, you don't hold prejudice against gay people is such a strange thing to say, you're not homophobic AT ALL...really?

If all that were really true then your son wouldn't have the feelings he does. He knows the belief structure and attitudes within the house. He's heard the "I don't hold anything against them but it's not what the church teaches nonsense so he knows better than anyone what the beliefs are under the superficial "I'm a good person and don't judge" speeches.
I'm also Catholic with sons. I actually do have several gay friends one of whom is my youngest godfather (and none of whom I would ever think of saying that I hold no prejudice against 🤨) and none of my boys would have the feelings of shame and the apparent need for forgiveness that you say your son has.

I feel heartbroken for your son. Get him professional support from outside the family
as soon as possible, it sounds as though he really needs proper help to undo whatever has been instilled into him.

Wow that's moved on quite a bit from suspecting he was gay to knowing he thinks he will "burn in hell forever" for thinking about his crush

lbgt catholics on instagram could be a good resource.

You sound like a very loving mum but you inflicted these hateful ideas on him OP, I know you would never have wanted to think of it like that, but you have raised him in an atmosphere which has lead to self-hate 😔 He didn’t sign up for it. Please find all the resources you can to counteract the impact of growing up in a homophobic religion.

I agree with this - and in my experience (I'm from a church background with several members of my family ordained) I'd say well over half of the Catholic priests I've met or know of are gay, some openly so. I hope your son, if he is gay, does come to accept that there's absolutely nothing wrong with it and there is zero need for shame. All you can do as parents is keep an open dialogue (without asking him) and make sure he feels safe to talk if and when he is ready. I wouldn't be shocked if one of my four was gay - and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. All we want is for our children to be happy and safe, don't we?

Lessing flaming and more to be pitied.
I feel sorry for you, that you truly believe in a loving god who made everyone, including gay people, and yet has said those people are wrong in some way for being born exactly as they are.
That has little to do with Jesus and everything to do with a church run mainly by men who seek to control through arbitrary rules and regulations.

It just shows the toxic, destructive power a religion like Catholicism can have on a young person.

Honestly, your son needs therapy to help him work through his emotions and feelings. Putting the fact you think he may be gay aside, his ridged and strict beliefs about religion and masculinity are not healthy and ultimately sound as if they're effecting his mental health. No religion is worth breaking mental health over.

Do what I did and ditch the Catholic faith. It’s a terrible religion and I took me until I was 40 to realise this

I think he needs therapy.