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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mil and step-grandchild

328 replies

SpanishFork · 12/03/2025 17:25

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

OP posts:
Nameftgigb · 12/03/2025 17:40

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AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2025 17:35

From their perspective you asked or at least expect her to be treated the same as the other children who are at something and that’s what they were doing having a photo shoot when she was elsewhere with you. It all sounds extremely awkward, for everyone.

Do you think they shouldn’t have had the party, or the photos, or do you think they should have included her once you arrived early?

Edited to add that it would be a mistake to limit your younger DD’s relationship with her grandparents and extended family because your older one doesn’t have the same. No one asked for this situation and only you and DH got a say in it. If you try and do that younger DD will resent you and her sister.

SometimesCalmPerson · 12/03/2025 17:34

It’s understandable that you are hurt on behalf of your dd, but the grandphave done nothing wrong. They didn’t deliberately exclude your child, they were doing you a favour by babysitting the youngest and decided to invite a few others along too.

I don’t think you can complain when they weee helping you out and it was you that changed the plan and left your youngest crying. That was mean, she didn’t deserve that. Even if the other cousins weren’t there, you would have chosen to cut down the grandparent/grandchild time just so that your husband could go to the pub.