To not want this man in my house?

I feel like this will totally isolate your SIL when it's clear she needs help. I would invite him to help her but would reduce communication with him as much as possible.

If you don't invite him it would put her in a very awkward position having to explain to him why and potentially
Mean she won't come around either reducing her support system should things take a turn again.

YANBU feeling that way, but why the need for imposing such a hard and fast rule which will only antagonise him and the situation for your SIL.
Let it play out and if he is ever abusive to SIL or anybody else in your presence then you can tell him yourself that you don’t appreciate his behaviour before walking away from him. He will then know he is unlikely to receive an invitation to your home.
If SIL is currently happy to be with him, you can’t do much to control the situation without making it worse for her. Just continue to love and support her as well as quietly letting her know she can turn/run to you for help any time she needs it.

I wouldn’t risk alienating her under circumstances. I wouldn’t host any family gatherings for now, see family members individually and prioritise her.

Don't accept him, she needs help/pressure/support to get away from him - anything you do to turn a blind eye will help him brainwash her into marriage and kids and then she'll never be rid of him.

I agree with your viewpoint. If my daughter had this kind of relationship and was still with the abusive partner, much as I would hate it, I would still include him in family gatherings rather than risk not seeing my daughter. I would bite my tongue and put up with his presence in order to continue having a relationship.

Dont see how this helps her, and I presume your DH has a say and is entilted to his own opinion?

Sometimes better to keep your enemies close, don't risk isolating your SIL.

The trend of enabling abusive men needs to stop. Christmas dinners with them while everyone pretends he didn’t beat the shit out of our sisters or daughters is absurd.

Abusive men abuse families as well. Families are expected to suck up their toxic company to prevent their relative becoming isolated. Abusive men rely heavily on the fear of isolation to boldly abuse then sit comfortably in their parents house while nobody says a word. No wonder they feel so powerful.

What does it tell these abusers when we welcome them into our homes knowing they’ve abused our relatives? What does it say to the victims? How bad can the abuse be if our families still include them and chat to them.

If you still see sil on her own why on earth would you invite him?

YANBU for feeling like this.

However.

I can't imagine he'd be too pleased at her
going out alone to visit family who've shunned him. Then to keep the peace she's likely to refuse invitations.

So if you ban him you'll be isolating your SIL from close family, cutting her off from her brother's and your support.

You'll deprive her of your good example of how a relationship should be - so she's less able to see things clearly.

You'll make her more dependent on him because she'll feel lonely and bereft of her own family, so she'll turn more to him and blindfold herself about his bad qualities, him at least being the one who's still around.

Not banning him will help you both stay close with her. Keep asking, listening, make it a safe space for her to confide. Then you and DH can offer practical support she'd be more likely to accept.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I'd be surprised if he wanted to go to your house, given that you know what he's truly like.

Urgh what a Prince of a man.

Tbh op I'd really struggle to socialise with him too BUT domestic abuse thrives on isolation. If you stop inviting him and then he starts to pick up on it he could start to make it harder for her to go out on her own and therefore become more isolated. So I'd invite her out individually and him from time to time as well and I'd also invite him to things you know he won't want to do where he's invited but not likely to attend. I wouldn't be putting her in a position where she might be unsafe because she's told you what he's been doing. Hopefully she gets the means and strength to leave him eventually, you want your door to be open to her when that time comes.

Banning him will only drive her further away....it's probably what he wants and then she ends up isolated completely.

I've been your SIL. DO NOT ban him from the house. It's tempting but you need to keep her close and by banning him you'll only drive her to isolate herself from you and not reveal any future problems.

Mmm actually if she's still with him and wants to bring him then yes I would have him in my house.

And I would be cordial, for HER sake. She's obviously not going to leave him yet.

A friend was in this situation though it was infidelity rather than verbal abuse. Her DH said they would not have the man in their house and his sister no longer speaks to him (her brother, not her cheating man). She has since married the cheater and had more DC with him. Refuses any relationship with her brother which affects the whole family.

Whilst I understand and agree, all it would do is exclude SIL. He will be cross with her for telling you which makes her too uncomfortable to attend and then she’s isolated. Her isolated would probably also ramp up the abuse. I’d just be civil with him as it’s her choice to stay with him.

Don’t ban him from your house, he may assume she has told you and go mad at her, keep her close, if she cannot tell you about the abuse she is experiencing who can she tell? Abusers love for the abused to be isolated

Surely the solution is that you invite him over (to avoid alienating your SIL) and then spit in his dinner.

Good grief. No he would not be welcome in my house.

Yes, keep enemies closer etc

I'd have him over and then be quite clear in the way I interacted with him that I know what he is.