To not want this man in my house?

I wouldn't have him in my home under any circumstances.
He's abusive scum and I do not want that in my home.
I would continue to be there for SIL but tell her that you will not have him in your home, tjat he is not welcome.

I realise people call it isolating the victim but I would selfishly put myself first in MY home.

I wouldn't want someone like that near my space.
I believe in my home I get to choose who enters.
I wouldn't want his toxicity near my home.

You can support someone without having to pretend to their abuser that somehow they are socially acceptable to be in my company.

I wouldn't have him in the house and I strongly disagree that that makes you in any way culpable for his actions if he tries to isolate her or stop her seeing you.

This.

This is why I question this strategy and where it came from. It puts the responsibility for any abuse or isolation on the family instead of the abuser and abusers know it. There is no evidence that an abuser is any less abusive when families welcome them and actually I wonder if abusers tend to increase their abuse once they know families passively accept it.

I wouldn't have him in the house and I strongly disagree that that makes you in any way culpable for his actions if he tries to isolate her or stop her seeing you. Just make sure she knows you're there whenever she needs you.

Not an easy situation.

I fear you may have to having him in your house - even if you have to bite your lips/clench your fists in your pocket for the sake of supporting your SIL.

There may be a time when you do ban him, when you have to step up your support - but that's in the future whether it be next week, month or year.

I think it’s pretending that it isn’t or hasn’t happened and there emboldens the abuser. In effect he is not only abusing his partner but also controlling the wider family

There's a book called 'Helping Her Get Free' by Susan Brewster which is a really useful guide for family and friends of people who are in abusive relationships.

You're entitled to not have him at yours but it's the likely repurcussions... Him at her about it, and isolating you meaning more abuse for her potentially.. it's a tough one. Better to keep your friends close and enemies closer perhaps 🤷

How is it "enabling" his abuse to have him there. Is the sister enabling the abuse by having resumed the relationship?

Sometimes you have to tolerate a twat for the sake of the greater good, ie maintaining a sibling relationship.

If he knows you know, then tbh, I would bring it up in front of him. How are you SIL? All good? Not a fucking stupid cunt today or whatever disgusting terms your dp has for you this week?

you know abusers always throw at you what they think of themselves, don’t you? And abusers are fundamentally cowards, they bully out of weakness not power.

fuck him, be open about his unacceptable behaviour

good, keep doing what you’re doing. Be there for her, be consistent with reminding her that she’s worth more, that if they spilt up she will thrive and have nobody dragging her down or making her feel like shit.

basically you’re doing everything right

you can tell her that you’re there for her forever, but that he does have to go at some point. When she’s ready. But he has to go.

Abusers don’t need to isolate and control their victims if that control is given willingly. The presence of an abuser prevents real conversations from happening and reduces meaningful conversations to small talk. Often a victim does not realise how controlling he is until he openly tries to prevent her seeing her family, which he never will if he is welcome. The sooner an abuser reveals the extent of his control the better.

I wouldn't ban him because I'd want to see how he's behaving these days and how your SIL seems with him, in case intervention or support is needed.

I totally agree. There is a conspiracy of silence going on here and his abuse of your SIL should not be left in the shadows especially as she has confided in you. If gives strength to her abuser as no one says anything!!! You don’t want him in your home? Don’t have him and make it clear the reasons as to why.

The problem is, next tine it happens (which is will) she will not tell you. I would rather have him in the house where I can keep an eye on him, than lose her. There are plenty of activities that you can do with her (and without him) - work on that as an option.

It’s not possible to support a victim of dv while their abuser is sat next to them on the couch. You can’t check in with them or ask them how they are anyway. Those conversations only happen in private. Everybody is contactable by phone and if an abuser is not allowing phone calls having him round for tea will not make him any less abusive.

Playing nice with an abuser is presented as being a strategy to prevent the victim becoming isolated. I think we need to question where that advice has come from and who it really benefits. Some posters have said that they would watch for any abusive behaviour and challenge it. In reality not many of us would do that knowing he’s going to take it out on our relative later.

Abusive men usually hate our families anyway and often use some imagined slight to later berate us to our relative.

Families can see their relative without inviting their abuser along. A spa day, a shopping trip. There are endless opportunities for contact that naturally exclude partners. Victims often have cognitive dissonance and i am sure things like this contribute. On one hand we tell them what’s happening is terrible and they should leave. On the other we invite them to our homes and make them welcome.

Have a listen to 'Femicide' radio 4 yesterday 11am. Available on BBC Sounds. Abuse is abuse however 'small' it seems and 'small' abuse easily escalates as you've sort of 'given permission' for it. Not that the sort of name calling described here is 'small abuse' either! Remember: 'the word is father to the deed.'

Just read updates

No, she should have divulged at anytime. I would hate to know someone who wanted to tell someone about abuse they were subjected to but didn't because they weren't yet feeling able to walk away. However, it does create issues once that information is out there - I would be wary that not letting him attend family events would mean that she wouldn't and further isolate her making her even less likely to feel able to leave

likely he doesn't want to come anyhow. Keep it that way.

This was my thought. If he is excluded that puts her at risk because he might guess why. It also might make her less likely to talk about stuff in the future. It’s also highly unlikely he will show his true colours in front of others but if he does you can then act robustly.

I would find it really hard to have him anywhere near me but I’d do it for her.

It’s DH choice though really.

Of it is a hard no then give her a heads up so she can then manage it safely.

I’d personally let him in, as it annoys me when others do that. It’s her choice, I wouldn’t risk her never confiding in me again because of my actions. It’s the reason my adult son and I don’t tell my mum much these days, because of her actions.