Hi there, I hope to get some advice, perspective on my situation, as I am at a loss at what to do, or how to feel about this situation. Sorry about the essay below..
I live in a different country from my parents and bought tickets to go see them - the first time DD (18 months) is visiting grandparents at their house. My mum said this is a big occasion for her as she can’t wait to show her granddaughter off to extended family, all good here. After I let her know dates for our trip, she asked if I’d like to invite my NC bother (he was the one who decided to stop contact, though we never had a close relationship).
Backstory: when I was around 7 months pregnant, my mum and dad planned to visit me. Mum called to say that my brother is also visiting the country where I live at the same time and that he might ‘surprise us’. I said to her that we don’t have a lot of space to put him up and his girlfriend too, and that I wanted to prioritize them staying over my brother – but happy to meet him for dinner. She said they already booked a hotel for themselves which they were happy to go to so that my brother could stay at mine. I did not agree to this, as I wanted to see my parents and host them, rather than my brother. Last time my brother stayed he acted very entitled (as he often does) and the way he treated his girlfriend was absolutely horrible (dismissive, calls her all sorts of names, is generally rude, I think the way they split their finances equates to financial abuse). He sponges off retired parents, they still support him financially abroad because he’s never held down a job, etc – some of the things that put me off quite a lot and make me not want to see him all that much. I did mention this to my mum, but she (and my dad) see things in a completely different way and I think they expect me to want a relationship with him anyway. This has always been difficult and it prob stems from our childhood (I was the evil child, he was kind, I was a girl, my mum wanted a boy, etc). Well, anyway, my parents arrive for their visit, my brother too. It all blew up, and he ended up being super offended at me saying he cannot stay and he needs to go to the hotel my parents had booked. No contact ever since. My parents were also extraordinary offended -mum said she felt as bad only when her father died, and my dad vowed to never come visit again. Mum proceeded to spend the remainder of the visit being ‘sick’ in bed.
Some time passed, I had my baby, managed to rekindle my relationship with my parents (somewhat), even though they said I am ‘evil’ because I did not host my brother.
Back to the present situation – I told mum that if she wants to invite my brother while we visit, that’s ok, but we’d then get an Airbnb. I am somehow not comfortable staying in the same house with him for 5 days. My mum said that that’s not an option, but that my brother knew that we were visiting and he wanted to come. Now, this is a bit baffling, because he never made an attempt to make contact with me in the last two years. I sent a message at Xmas, hoping to get a conversation going, but never received a response so thought that he is not interested in speaking. He can certainly get in contact with me if he wants, I have not blocked him.
So, what would you do? Go and visit parents, don’t invite brother? Or suck it up, ask my mum to invite him to stay at their house and put up with him for the 5 days? Another option is not to go at all as I am pregnant again and I really don’t want to re-live the massive fight that happened last time we were all together.
YABU – suck it up, invite brother, do it for the sake of my mum and give her what she desires most – to pretend that we all get along.
YANBU – don’t invite brother, go see parents only.