To think that people who constantly cut others off for being “toxic” are actually just unbearable themselves?

Can be either or.

Like many said, someone with a toxic upbringing will subconsciously seek out toxic people and also act like a magnet, attracting toxic people to themselves. There can come a tipping point at some point in their lives where they realize this and gradually start looking at their relationships in different ways, and go through a phase of cutting out relationships that are bad for them and so it looks like a pattern where they are the common denominator. In fact, they are, but not how you describe.

Then there are others who are incapable of resolving conflicts of any kind. In a normal relationship, you disagree or make mistakes from time to time. Two healthy people will be able to move past it - usually by making a compromise, seeing things from the other's perspective, apologizing, that sort of thing. But there are some people who are unable to do this. Once a conflict arises they are unwilling to meet the other person in the middle, expect the other person to go all in admitting full responsibility, and then when they don't get what they want/need as conflict "resolution" (full submission from the other person) they label them as toxic and cut them out. That in itself is the toxic behavior and these people usually leave a long trail of bad blood behind them.

That's why it never makes sense to get involved in other people's disagreements. It can take a long time to observe and understand which situation you are dealing with.

Agreed - I work with a woman who is NC with her family on both sides, her OH's family on both sides, her neighbours, her ex-colleagues, many friends.... apparently they are ALL toxic and/or narcissistic? What terrible luck!

Yep, I'd agree:
Want it all their own way
Tight - don't contribute, but also tend to brag ('my new house has an enormous lounge... I'm buying myself a whole new summer wardrobe...')
Shove their opinions down your throat but regard yours as stupid

Or maybe we've just met the same people!

Great thread thanks, lots of wise and insightful replies that are personally helpful.

I read that "if you meet one arsehole, they're the problem. If everyone you meet is an arsehole, you're the problem".

👏🏽

Seeing her interactions with Mindy Kaling in her new cooking show sealed that for me. She is SO passive aggressive and condescending.

I think it can be.

However I got told I must be the issue becuase we had issue with two family members and neigbour.

Except neigbour had long history of picking fights and we just one in a long line and frankly we managaed the situation better than many others.

The family was us saying no and getting push back mostly round kids and new demands on our time - the thread in DIY section here poster was being told not allowed to redo a wall by her Mum in her own home was at one time part of the course for us - plus later emerged again we weren't only ones with problems with them.

So context matters.

Yes but most people are going to still make themselves the victim and say that “I was the problem because I let people walk all over me” instead of anyone who was ACTUALLY the problem being able to just say that.

I was the problem for a while and had to work on myself to fix my bad traits. The reverse was also true about boundaries. So I worked on myself to be a nicer, better and more considerate person while also learning some boundaries and cutting off someone who was genuinely my abuser and a narc.

I will silently cut off people for my own
peace. I live the most drama free, content life and don’t like it to be disrupted by people who do things for drama and entertainment.

@Hattie907

The personality traits/behaviours I’ve seen in “serial cutter offers”, shall we say, are:
Spoiltness and entitlement - just good old fashion selfishness and an inability to consider how their behaviour affects others
Avarice
Being rude and overly opinionated and being able to offend even the most laidback people

I'd add to this also inflexibility and lack of pragmatism/perspective.

All relationships and friendships have ups and downs and there will always be arguments, differences in expectation, miscommunication in any meaningful relationship.

You sometimes have to just accept that you won't see eye to eye, you won't bring someone around and maybe you're not right. You don't always have to resolve everything. Sometimes it's enough just to know you don't agree but that you understand each other better.

It's hard to say. I remember thinking this about Meghan Markle. If I knew a bride who, despite being from a large family, only had one family member attend their wedding, I wouldn't judge. Families can be very complicated. I'd have sympathy for her.

But if eighteen months into the marriage, her new husband had a massive falling-out with his own family as well... I'd start to wonder if she was the source of the drama.

Not necessarily unbearable, but if it's happening a lot from multiple different groups, I'd say it's likely the issue is with the person doing the constantly cutting off. That doesn't necessarily mean they are obnoxious, but they're potentially someone I don't want to be around too much unless and until they've worked on themselves.

I tend to agree, and I'm someone who's NC with my entire immediate family. You can't choose family, unfortunately.

In my adult life I've only ever cut one friend off, and I didn't make a big song and dance about it. We had a huge argument and then we never spoke again and that was basically that.

But you can choose your friends and you can choose how close they are. No one drops into your life as a fully formed BFF. There are a few people I know, whose company I enjoy and who I'm friendly with, but I sense a few yellow flags in their characters. So I keep them slightly at arm's length and that's OK! There have also been a few people I've realised didn't make me feel great, or who were behaving in ways I didn't want to be around. I didn't announce I was cutting them off, I just quietly drew back from the friendship and saw them a bit less.

The Venn diagram of people who make a big deal about Cutting Friends Off and people who have extremely dramatic, on-off-on-off-ad-infinitum relationships with awful men is a circle, I've found.

I recently experienced this, i had a friend ( more of an acquaintance really) who always talked about all these people that were toxic to her, only for her ( and her family) to actually turn out to be really manipulative in situations, playing the victim etc and then i suddenly understood, the toxicity came from them.

I do think that all people have 'their people' and i have always happily stayed with my small circle of 'my people'

Beautifully put. I really identify with this. Early life reasons. I've worked hard on boundaries and consistency (including with family) and benefitted enormously including from much better relationships and friendships. I've got one last residual 'toxic' friendship. She's not a terrible person but very troubled. I won't jettison her (she doesn't live close by anyway) but goodness me I recognise the issues now and stand my ground. I would never announce ending friendships but I've let several go over the years for similar reasons and the new ones are so very different. Not perfect by any means but not these self centred, mercurial types I used to gravitate towards wholly for my own reasons. It's so refreshing but I'm having to learn to open up on an ongoing basis.

I know someone who fell out with multiple friends. She seemed charming and social on the face of it, but gradually showed herself to be someone who wanted it all her own way and who took the piss, and also had a vindictive side to her. I have virtually nothing to do with her now.

And I've known another similar - would live somewhere, make enemies, move, repeat pattern. He never held the same job for more than about 4 years for the same reason.

Now and then people have to distance themselves from toxic families or large groups of friends, and that is understandable, but if someone has a pattern of falling out with people that repeats over the years, I tend to avoid them from the off.

The personality traits/behaviours I’ve seen in “serial cutter offers”, shall we say, are:

Spoiltness and entitlement - just good old fashion selfishness and an inability to consider how their behaviour affects others

Avarice

Being rude and overly opinionated and being able to offend even the most laidback people

As @Lilaccrystals has already explained, I think in a lot of cases when people flounce and do a lot of "blocking and deleting" all over the place its usually due to neediness, unrealistic expectations and poor boundaries.

I'm always struck by how many people on these threads go on about how many friends they've been "let down" by and they are therefore never having a friend again etc etc. When you unpack what's actually happened there's normally a ridiculous level of expectation put on the friend which is unsustainable.

A lot of people need to learn to be more self-reliant and stop treating friends as someone to plug all the gaps in their self-esteem. The less you rely on friends, the easier it is to make them.

In my case they were all in the same group, more or less. It was a dramatic mess and I can't tell you the peace I have now. And I'll never EVER let anyone bulldoze my boundaries like that again. But equally I won't explode anymore. I'll just respectfully state my boundaries and walk away if I have to.

I think some people can attract negative patterns due to their own psychological issues. So yes the behaviour they experience from others may well be toxic, that's not to say they are just making it up. But something in them is 'letting it in'. This is not to excuse the toxicity of the perpetrator.

Unless all 5 are part of the same group, led by one, and the others are used as ‘flying monkeys’ against this person etc.

If they are not connected individuals, you are probably right.

Impossible to know in the situation involved without the details though.

This 100%. People who have never experienced healthy relationships/ friendships will continue to attract and engage in people who are unhealthy for them. They know nothing else .

Hmm, tbh I’ve wondered this with people I know who don’t have any relationship whatsoever with several close family members - and where it even extends to several of their in-laws eventually.

Of course it could be true too that they’re just surrounded by arseholes which would be very unlucky but I do think the people I know like this can also be unreasonable/unkind in different ways. My husband thinks it’s a ‘them’ problem after seeing what they’re like.

So I’m inclined to agree in a lot of cases… But there will be some with problematic families.

There are some people who just want to be surrounded by enablers and yes men and cut off anyone who disagrees with them. These are the people who, when they say they’ve cut someone out for being toxic/ bringing negative energy, I am 99% sure it’s them that’s the problem and not the other person. People are not being “negative” when they’re advising you against repeated self- destructive behaviour. They’re trying to help you.

This. I can speak from experience.

Went through a difficult 2 years recently (unprocessed trauma, divorce, bad relationship) and due to bad boundaries/people pleasing being ramped up during that period made friends with 5 people who were just wrong for me and increased my anxiety tenfold with the friendship dynamics.

So what happened? Instead of realising they weren't good for me, I took all that was thrown at me from them until I exploded at each of them in turn.

Result: all 5 are gone from my life, my mental health is much improved (also with help of therapy and lifestyle changes) and I can now look back and realise I shouldn't have been friends with these people.

They will happily tell you I'm the toxic one (5 times, how could I not be right?). And perhaps to an extent I was as I put myself in those situations. But at least I have the ability to self reflect and can move on from it. Also, I have several good friends, some of whom I have known decades. They bring me peace. Those 5 new people did not.

On the other hand I also have had to break with my mother and sister a while back due to childhood abuse.

So yeah, I've broken with a few people in my life. But not on a whim. And I'm surrounded by many wonderful people.

It's not always so simple is it.