To think that people who constantly cut others off for being “toxic” are actually just unbearable themselves?

I have learned through life (61 now) that if a colleague describes anyone as "toxic", or "narcissist", do not let them in to your social media.

One colleague in particular was a bit of a drama llama - "I really don't get on with my mum at the moment" becomes "My mum is so toxic, an absolute narcissist".

I did make the mistake of saying that narcissistic traits can be inherited. But she didn't speak to me for a week which was a bit of a result. She thinks I'm "toxic", when the word she needs is opinionated. (Which I totally accept).

There is a fine line between tolerance and abuse . There are people I have cut off for this reason . A line has to be drawn somewhere. Trust your instincts always .

It's fantastic and refreshing that you can admit that. You've obviously done a lot of soul searching and growing and have developed good emotional intelligence. Well done. I think so many people would be happier in the long run if they could do the same.

Yes. This was me. I cut a lot of people out when I was younger, moving on constantly, never dealing with the core issue. Which was me. Damaged by my difficult childhood, but the problem was me, nonetheless.

And I see this play out with other people too. I try not to get involved/give advice, because I'd be a hypocrite to do that after the people I've hurt. But yes. Those of us that cut others out are frequently at fault. It's taken me a long time to work this out and for a lot of the people I hurt, it's too late now.

I am the first to hold my hand up when I've made mistakes. We all have toxic traits. Recognising that and continually trying to improve is important. It's very difficult being friends with people who cannot do that for whatever reason.

Forgot to add that another thing I’ve noticed in people who do this is a staggering self awareness. Eg someone who has cut both her family on both sides and her in laws off (even though her DC loved spending time with their cousins the same age yet now never see them) is hellbent on having a huge family “to make up for theirs” - yet doesn’t realise they’re actually modelling dysfunctional or “toxic”, as they put it, relationships quite beautifully.

Sure, but it won’t be the case for everyone. Of all the ‘toxic’ people walking all over people we rarely hear from them. It’s always the poster who’s the victim. I know from experience many toxic people see themselves as the victim. I was when I was toxic lol. It’s hard to reframe your mindset and realise you’re the issue and have changes to make. But you will be better for it and life will be happier.

I've had a few ex friends cut me out of their lives and, while I wouldn't exactly say any of them were "toxic", they all had developed a habit of doing that to people, one from when she was 11 years old.

If it's just one person that is toxic then perhaps they have a point. When you hear about several people in one family all ganging up on this poor perscuted person then you do have to wonder.

Some people seem to face toxicity everywhere they go in life. In their family, at school, in relationships, in friendships, in the workplace, even with their own children in the end. If you keep needing to go 'no contact' with people or they need to go no contact with you, and it's not a complete one-off but something of a pattern in your life then it's a big fat clue to the fact that you are a large part (or the entire part) of the problem.

Agree. When I think about the people I know who have "cut out toxic people" - they are definitely the common denominator.

Perhaps with one exception where they are absolutely lovely and it's entirely justified.

To think that people who constantly cut others off for being “toxic” are actually just unbearable themselves?

Or they know their worth and are strong enough to cut people out. It’s not an easy thing to go no contact but sometimes you have to.

People who say things like this are the people who get cut off and they can’t fathom that they’re the problem.

I’ve recently cut a friend of 5 years out of my life because she was making my life unbearable. I’m much happier since I’ve cut her off. Prior to that I cut someone else out of my life. Both these women were bossy and controlling and spoke to me like I was an idiot all the time. Tried to walk all over me and make me feel like I was beneath them. Funnily enough these two women absolutely hate each other and told me each other was treating me badly. They both were! They were both the exact same person which is why they didn’t like each other.

Thing is I’ve had the same best friend for 27 years and never remotely felt like cutting her out. Neither of those women have any long term friends. Between them a lot of ex friends and ex boyfriends but none ever stick around. Wonder why?

Similar here. I let toxic people in because I didn't know how to implement boundaries. When I finally figured it out, I had to cut them off and start again. My relationships made since are much healthier, life is much better. Wish I'd figured it all out sooner.

I got to a point where I realised the people who were not good for me. For example I had a lot of one sided relationships or people who used me when they wanted something & taking me for granted & when I needed a support from those people they weren't there for me. There's only so much a person can take.

I can't abide social media for all the public declarations on any subject really. It's agonising, it's a joy not to engage tbh.

I watched a great podcast the other day. Throughout history we have had characters high up on the continuum of a personality type that is defined as narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic.

The famous people in history are probably famous for what they were willing and able to do as a person within the realms of a personality disordered state. ( As defined above).

What's different now is simply the language we have to describe it. We can identify common traits and behaviours of such and name it. That fir me has been amazing. But - we have SMedia so everyone's situation is in your face, including thoughts and declarations regarding narcs etc which is grating for many.

Maybe come away from FB. If those are your friends and you feel that way it must drive you nuts.

I'd never come across the terms 'toxic' and 'narcissist' in this context until a few years ago, and it's always the biggest cretins on my Facebook using them.

Or maybe they did let people walk all over them

Yes I agree.

Yes I would have agreed. And then I started to see things.

I started to see that my personality type and things that I did were actively magnetic to certain types of people. I was raised in a very coercive dysfunctional family. It was scary for many reasons. But you don't tend to realise this is what you lived. And then you meet people and develop relationships that last a while and there's a repetitive of that dysfunctional dynamic. You still don't realise this.

And when you do alot of work, usually counselling because you don't understand why things are such a struggle, you start to see a pattern. An absolute lack of personal boundaries, being a people pleaser and various other traits will have magnetised certain people into your sphere who are pretty high along on a continuum of narcissism up to sociopathy, hopefully not worse.

So the individual is the common denominator indeed, and if they do enough self reflection they'll understand all of it, and might take action.

I only had to cut one right off entirely for personal safety. Others, unrelenting boundaries to help with their tendency to be coercive and manipulative and yes, a little bit toxic, really help.

People often surround themselves with people who are similar to them, so if one person is toxic they will often surround themselves with other toxic people.

I think my point is that if someone cuts off five "toxic" friends or relatives within a year, it may well be that all six individuals are toxic.

Look at it another way, a murderer can be disgusted by a paedophile and the paedophile disgusted by the murderer. Both are right to be disgusted by the other, both are disgusting individuals. It's not always "one person is right and the other wrong."

I think it depends on the scale. If it’s everyone else, then yes it’s either your poor choices or you.
There are people I choose not to have in my life because of their behaviour, which wasn’t ok but wasn’t toxic either. As well as lots of lovely kind people I enjoy spending time with.
If you can find the balance hopefully you’re not the problem.

Really depends on how many people you have in your life, if you have several hundred then yes I can believe 5 of them show toxic behaviours, especially at a time when stress is high because of all the things happening in the world and cost of living.

Yep, I know someone like this. She love bombs new friends and sings their praises to the Heavens. It's very intense very quickly. Then a few years down the line this new wonderful, amazing, fantastic friend is never mentioned. They've disappeared into the ether. Then she meets a new, even more incredible friend and so on it goes.

I'm sure it's not always true but I can certainly think of a few people I know who fit the bill - always surrounded by some kind of angst, be that disastrous relationships, let down repeatedly by friends or relatives, abused or under appreciated at work etc etc.
Any of those things could happen to any of us once or twice, but when it's time after time for the same person I think they need to look to themselves for the reason. It may not necessarily be that they are "bad" of course - they may be making recurrent poor choices or have a skewed perception - but if I was finding myself repeatedly in the same type of situation I think I'd be wondering what it was about me that was causing or allowing that to happen.
Unfortunately the people I know who are like this tend to be very quick to blame others for their situation and reluctant to recognise their own responsibility. Some years ago I made a friend to whom I was initially very sympathetic. Life has not dealt her the best of hands it's true but no matter how much I tried to support her it was never enough and eventually I was worn down by her continual negativity and refusal to take any practical steps to change things. Plus it was all a one way street. When I was seriously ill all she saw was the inconvenience it caused her that I was no longer available to her. So eventually, to protect my own well being I ended the friendship. I have no doubt that I am now added to the very long list of people who let her down and if she's made new friends they probably think I'm a horrible person. I now realise that it is likely that the other people she moaned about to me were also probably, on the whole, decent people too. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

The three people who I've had experience of doing this to me (two friends and one family member) have done it to everyone over the course of their lives and all three shared very similar personality traits.

So I would say, yes in my experience they were the problem. All three were very manipulative, demanding people who would never apologise or could not apologise. Also everything was to suit or please them, not me or anyone else. I feel much freer now I no longer see them or talk to them. I used to dread the texts or phone calls or meet ups as something negative would always happen (in different ways but with similar patterns of behaviour).

Mental health issues also featured for all three, but it got to the stage I could no longer cope with being used as an emotional punching bag. Their poor mental health should not have been an excuse to treat their friend (or in one case family member) so badly. I don't wish anyone ill and I do hope they are all moving forward in their lives but I'm much happier without them now.