First time parents, lots of arguments

There is nothing like the white hot rage of fing partner not getting up and letting baby babble and whinge while your trying to sleep on when you have been up at night with the baby

I must admit on a less proud moment I literally dumped baby on dh head when he kept saying on a minute

You have to not micro manage him (not a dig I get where you are coming from) .

So baby wingeing and it's his turn to get up, stick ear plugs in and pull the cover over your head. Wait it out, he will get up eventually then have half hour from when he gets up. So don't give a time just you will get up half hour after him.

Asking him to load the dishwasher, leave it and wash babies stuff in sink. He will do it eventually.

In terms of contribution I have found it easier if we have set jobs, so I cook mon- thurs, dh cooks fri- Sun. That includes planning , buying ingredients if necessary and cleaning up. I do laundry in week, dh does sat/sun. Dh does hoovering, dog, garden, bins, diy and computers, I do dusting, sweeping, tidying,bathrooms. I don't check if he does his jobs and vice versa. (By the way we are 16 years in now. There was a lot of rows in the past)

When ds was a baby and not sleeping through we tag teamed. I went to bed at 8pm, dh dealt with bed time and gave ds a bath expressed bottle around 10/11pm. Dh would go to bed after, and I would take over when baby woke in early hours. We both averaged around 7 hours doing it that way. We also each took a lay in until 9/930 every weekend.

Can you alternate nights - one in with baby, one in other room - so you can both get uninterrupted sleep at least half of the time? I think that'd really help you. Sounds like you're both sleep deprived!

OP has done every single night waking for 7 months. She says that in that time the longest period of uninterrupted sleep she has had is 3 hours. Her DH is having a full night's sleep every night and going on nights out.

He is the one that needs to grow up and take his responsibilities as a father seriously, not OP

So that another woman can do his share for him instead of OP? Give me strength

There is nothing drearier to listen to than a fractious baby crying.

It's designed to be an annoying noise.

Babies massively change relationships - people have no idea how much this can happen until the baby has landed, and by then it's too late to think ''This isn't what I imagined it would be''

Hopefully you can pull together with your husband, otherwise there will be yet another broken family, which is really sad. {and expensive}

It’s not uncommon sadly OP. For some people, it gets better, and for others it just chips away at your marriage. The reality is that there are plenty of men who will marry women and have children with them but then just refuse to do any of the work or treat the woman fairly or with respect. You’ll get lots of advice about how you should approach this and the way you should phrase your requests for help but you have to remember that if he wanted to, he would. Also, you cannot force him to do anything and he knows that so he likely knows if he just doesn’t get out of bed to see to the baby, you will eventually because who would leave a baby hungry/crying/in a dirty nappy etc in their cot and ignore them? If he’s had two full nights of sleep and you’ve had two nights of broken sleep, anyone who cared about the other person and could see their exhaustion would offer to help. I’ve realised in my marriage that I’ve broken my back and gone above and beyond for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me. I wouldn’t recommend doing the same.

I agree with this.

Can you reframe things. Sleeping between 7am and 7.30am after being up 4 times in the night is not a lie in, it's catching up on sleep. Although if he had the day off I'd argue he should be letting you sleep longer.

So instead of saying "can I have a lie in" which makes it sound like a luxury, say "I need to catch up on sleep so you need to do XYZ"

I'm divorced too and I vividly remember asking my ex to get up at 6am once with ds1, after I'd been up half the night with him. He threw a tantrum about "hAvInG tO wOrK" !!

Yes, indeed. That's exactly what I said.

Grow up or split up. Both of you. You have a baby. He needs to be the priority and you need to be a team, not silly squabbling over time in bed and who does what.

There is something VERY wrong if the husband is going out to see friends and the same opportunities are not being presented to the OP. She is as entitled to a break as the husband is

Or dads.

I have been where you are and we are now divorced. There's two possibilities here:-

1. He's useless and not doing anything
2. He's really trying but feels he can't do anything right so has stopped trying.

Only you will know which it is but if he is genuinely trying but you are constantly stepping in / nitpicking then he will go into defence mode and you won't get anywhere.

Do not let this continue as you will end up sick of the sight of each other and one or both of you will end up just wanting out.

I'm 5 years on and know now that what we really needed was a calm outside voice to come in and reset the situation.

Oh OP I understand where you're coming from. There were times that I hated my husband so much when ours was a baby. I also remember him saying "I was just about to" when he wasn't but it's the perfect excuse for them isn't it.? You can't prove either way but in all likelihood he wasn't about to do fuck all!

I think you need to be really clear with him and say that when he agrees to get up he needs to move his arse pronto and not lie in bed for an extra 30 mins whilst you can hear the baby awake and you're getting more agitated. A lie in should mean a proper undisturbed lie in.

As for the other areas that he isn't pulling his weight you need to tell him 'stop saying you're about to' and SHOW me that you can cook the tea, wash up, bath the baby......whatever without being asked 10 times or taking forever to do it.

As others have said it does get easier but you've got some tough times ahead with the toddler years so you need to try and sort this now. You may find yourself sleeping through in the near future but your resentment will be replaced with something else.

You need to try and be calm but assertive and factual when you talk to him. If you're in attack mode he's just going to be really defensive and you'll get nowhere.

I think you need to say that you're worried for what the next few years will bring because the pre school years are very trying and he needs to understand what's coming.

In short, he needs to sort himself out.

They could alternate nights perhaps

The first year is make or break honestly we were the same. Still together oldest is 7 we very nearly ended things in the first 12 months. We now have a 3 year old who just slotted in no arguments after he was born

He hasn't done a whole night in 7 months? That's awful! He is unbelievably selfish.

What happens when both parents of a baby go to work? Can they take it in turns to do the night wakings, even if they both have to use their brains in their jobs?

You really need to go somewhere overnight so he can understand what being woken repeatedly with no backup is like.

I'd send him to his mum's with the baby for a weekend night or two so you can get some sleep.

Do you have a spare room? I used to go to that, with earplugs, on my night "off".

Not getting up immediately when it's your partner's lie in day doesn't count! He now owes you two lie-ins...

Rubbish. He should have got up with the baby when he said he would! OP tell him you are going to have one uninterrupted night off at the weekend and he ca get up with the baby. Go into a different room and put some headphones in. You then offer to return the favour l. We did this when my child was small and it saved us

Ok, sorry my post annoyed you. I didn't know he had the day off today. Yes, he should have given you a lie in. I stand by everything else I said though.

I just wanted to add that it's very, very normal for parents of a baby to argue a lot and resent each other. It does get easier.