To ask when your ND and NT children got fully ready for school? ***title edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

LiveinHarmony · 2025-03-12T10:34:30+00:00

I'm feeling like my dcs should be doing more for themselves. I realise all children are different, have different capabilities and develop at different rates. Maybe these things are normal, and I am expecting too much, or are they running rings around dh, and I? I feel like it is the latter. At what age did your dc get up with an alarm clock, get their school uniform on, and come down for breakfast? How much involvement did you have? When I was 8, I did it all, but I am NT, so I understand it was alot easier for me, and those were different times. I grew up with a depressed dm who laid in bed every morning. This meant I grew up quicker, brought her a cup of tea before school from 8 years old, other people would take me to school, or I would walk with my sibling etc. I didn't eat breakfast half of the time, nobody was there to ensure I did. Due to this, it is very important to me, that I am there fully for my dcs in the morning. I love being there for them, this isn't the issue whatsoever. Dc1 has just turned 8, and the other is 5. The 8 year old is ND with autism and ADHD; he struggles with anxiety which can be challenging. He is very intelligent and academically where he should be at school, if not a head in some areas. He is an absolute whizz on computers to the point he is better than some adults. He is full of facts and can tell you to the finer detail about them on repeat. He is a lovely kid, polite and sensible. The thing I am struggling with is getting him to follow instructions at home without having an autistic melt down. If he doesn't want to do things, or isn't interested in something he will outright refuse to do it, or take an eternity to carry it out, despite being more than capable of the action I am asking him to do. He hates to follow instructions, it doesn't matter how early we get up, it just takes such a long time. He will make it so difficult to the point time runs out and I have no choice but to do it for him. Then he will complain through this, and want feelings reaffirmed, "I love you Mum, do you love me, I'm stupid etc." I have a visual timetable for mornings, dc1 understands this well, and knows he needs to go to the toilet, brush his teeth, dress his bottom half, (I do his tops), as he has sensitivities with this so I have to put them on like the speed of light. Then I send him downstairs to get a smoothie out of the fridge and watch some tv (he enjoys this part, and likes the independence because it is something he 'wants' to do), while I then get the 5 year old ready. This is all I expect of dc1, he did it a couple of times and I was over the moon thinking finally, but now we are back to square 1. He is procrastinating and wandering. He'll either want a long cuddle or faff around to the point I can't leave him and have to supervise instructing him to do X,Y, and Z. He then gets upset because he doesn't like being told what to do and when to do it; it has to be on his terms. Now my 5 year old is copying and saying he can't do it in regards to getting ready; he was very keen and independent wanting to do these things from 2. However, now he is copying dc1. Mornings are stressful, and I don't think I can go on this way. 5 year old is NT, takes ages to get up, I take him to the bathroom make sure he goes to the toilet, I then brush his teeth, get him fully dressed, bring him downstairs. I then make their breakfasts, and I have to remind them constantly to eat them. I tell them they need to hurry and finish breakfast. They ignore me, then say they're eating it. Then I will say shoes on, and they both ignore me. I end up raising my voice and saying, "Come on, dcs, we're going to be late for school." Then 8 year old will hit himself in the face say it's his fault, and be on the verge of a melt down. Sometime he'll tell me he hates me too, just because I'm trying to get them to school on time. I even have to put their shoes on, because they'll complain. Dc2 is a little more willing to help sometimes. It is exhausting, and it feels like they should be a bit more independent by now. They'll do their coats at least. At this point we're running out of the door, and I have to repeatedly tell my 8 yr old that I love him, that he isn't stupid and to stop raising his fists to his face. The younger one is easier this way, and I try to give him attention as well so that he isn't left out, then then dc1 one tells me I love him better, despite him getting more attention on the whole, because he is so demanding and attention seeking. Often we are walking down the street with dc1 telling me he hates me, or hates himself. I feel like an utterly useless Mother. Does anybody have experience of this? I'm drained by it, and exhausted before we even get out of the door. I'm not shouty, but do raise my voice as a last resort (more a firmer tone), but not shouting or anything like that. I honestly don't know what on earth more I can do. I do want to add that some days are better than others (but most are like the above). Edited to say: I am sorry this is so long. I understand if nobody reads it all.

CarpetKnees · 12/03/2025 16:14

Depends on the child.

dcs 2 and 3 were doing this from about 6 yrs, I guess.
dc1 I was still having to drag out of bed / chuck some cold water on them in 6th form.

I don't think it is at all typical for dc to be as independent as that from Day1 of Reception.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 12/03/2025 16:02

DS8 has ADHD. He can get himself dressed fairly quickly and has done probably since age 3 or 4. He needs reminding to clean his teeth, wash his face etc and we have a tick list that he works through each morning (breakfast, teeth, wash, dress, make bed, fill water bottle, pack book bag, practice spellings)

DS5 I suspect is autistic (not yet assessed) and won't get himself dressed. "I want you to do it". Occasionally he will put clean pants and socks on if I say "you get your pants and socks on and I'll help you with the rest" but it wouldn't occur to him to do this without being promoted every morning (and he doesn't give a flying fig about ticklists).

Awumminnscotland · 12/03/2025 15:57

Op We do have a long time yo get ready in the morning so rushing isn't an issue. It's good be sure we have lots of connection time over breakfast and we do medicine drink (movicol) and read then too. But even with loads of time the lack of progression through the required actions remains. We can be completely ready to leave but every single time she thinks of something she urgently needs or needs to do. It's a transitions challenge and the minute her nervous system is overwhelmed all bets are off. We then have to go for the connection strategy whether it's calm time alone but together or humour and hugs, it has to be worked out. Then we're just late and I don't care because she's not going to learn or manage the day if her brain is exploding. It is exhausting and I see why your son keeps coming for hugs, he's probably finding it all overwhelming. Is it possible to chunk up the morning and out a timer on for hugs or together time between getting ready tasks?

RavenclawWitchy · 12/03/2025 15:50

It really depends on level of need. My daughter is nine and still needs full personal care due to her autism. Her understanding is that of an 18 month old so she really doesn't have the ability do anything by herself in the mornings.

Maladie · 12/03/2025 15:50

I can relate so much to what you're writing. I burned out and ended up resigning my job. I try not to regret much in life because you always just make the best decisions you can at the time, but if I had my time over I would have pulled him out of that school at that point because it really, really wasn't working.

I'm not saying do that, just that I do get how hard it can be.

Depending on his understanding I wonder if it's worth sitting down with him and brainstorming what might make the mornings easier. Design a routine together. He might surprise you with his ideas, and there might be some things you can easily give in on (chocolate brioche and favourite fruit for breakfast?) that might edge him along. But if school is unbearable then it's not tackling the root cause. We have got on a lot better since we stopped worrying about what they "should" be doing and focussed on making everything as low demand as possible. I do think the skills come, sometimes when you least expect it but usually when they are feeling comfortable and supported, not overwhelmed.

elliejjtiny · 12/03/2025 15:45

All my dc are nd

18 year old dc1 does everything himself when he has to but will sometimes go into teenage sloth mode and needs me to bang on his bedroom door to wake him up.

16 year old dc2 does everything and has done since aged 10

14 year old dc3 sometimes needs waking up but will mostly do everything else himself but I still have to check on him because he gets distracted.

11 year old dc4 can physically do everything himself but needs prompting. He still sometimes managed to forget something vital.

10 year old dc5 needs a lot of nagging to get him out of bed. Will stand in the middle of the room wailing that he doesn't want to go, he's lost his socks, doesn't want that jumper, wants his favourite pants etc. Needs quite a bit of help.

Original poster

LiveinHarmony · 12/03/2025 15:42

Awumminnscotland · 12/03/2025 14:57

Dd is 9, 10 this year, aspergers type autism. In last few months I'm seeing a little bit more of an insight in her that she's aware of what she needs to do to be ready. For example, she'll know she needs shoes on and hair brushed but there is absolutely no consistency in actually doing those things. I will prompt saying shoes then hair and she'll say I know I know then I'll find her twirling around in the hall.
This is all a huge improvement. She does get there but needs supervision and prompting. Until now I've had to be right beside her leading her through each action..but its still am absolute chore...left sock, no don't examine your feet, right sock, put the book down, why have you taken off your cardigan? Why are you dancing now? We need to leave, put your shoes back on, stop rolling on the floor, you've already examined the contents of your 2 pencil cases put them back in the bag...
Some days now she'll appear dressed, packing her bag and wants to help with breakfast then next day it's like her brain fell out again.
We've tried every timer and visual timetable and now and next chart known to man. All work for a short time while it's a novelty.
The only thing that works is close connection, prompting, notice when things go well and praise but not overly, emphasise the consequence of staying on track eg NOW you can dance for 10 mins or go choose your favourite pencils to take or play or whatever. I just try and make it as easy for her to succeed as possible but it will still not be a smooth progression.
I don't think there's a one size fits all you just really need the time to be there for them.

This sounds similar to ds. It is exhausting, I feel your pain. I do worry thr visual timetable novelty is wearing off, he was very good with it at first, but now runs through when I'm getting ready and wants to have a long hug, and do anything but get ready. I am going to set an earlier alarm like a pp suggested and hoping this helps. It is difficult because I am tired, as we have no evening by the time we can get him settled and to sleep.

He hates stickers, reward charts, clapping, other people singing or anything like that. He does enjoy praise and me telling him he has done well, or buying him some sweets at the shop. I have to praise him in a calm way, or he'll find it too much. He never let's us sing happy birthday to him each year, and won't pose for family pics, although we have managed to get some of him occasionally, and he is getting a bit better now with that aspect.

OP posts:

Original poster

LiveinHarmony · 12/03/2025 15:32

suitcaseofdreams · 12/03/2025 12:57

Mine are teenagers. One is diagnosed autistic, the other not but has many traits and has severe school based anxiety. Neither are able to completely independently get up, ready and out in a morning. Autistic one is good with dressing and teeth but can't make own breakfast without chucking cereal all over the floor and spilling milk all over the table and still needs me to do up his shoelaces. He does wake easily and goes from asleep to fully alert very quickly and can be up and out (with help and reminders) in 30-40 mins so he's generally pretty easy.
Anxious one needs to be woken two hours before he needs to leave to house, takes a long time to 'come round', then needs frequent reminders to come and eat breakfast (which I need to get ready for him). Then he needs to be dressed by me (not because he can't do it but because his anxiety is too high) and it takes lots of persuasion and support to get him into his trainers (again, done up by me) and out of the door and into the car. At weekends and during holidays he is fully independent, makes his own breakfast and lunch, bakes cakes for us all, has no problems with choosing his own clothes and getting dressed etc - he simply cannot cope with school and as a result becomes almost unable to function at all independently on a school morning.

I'd be looking at how happy DC1 is in school...and I mean genuinely happy, not just masking and appearing fine. It could well be that lots of the defiance and demand avoidance is because he is anxious and scared about school? (especially if weekends are easier/better) If this is the case then making some changes at school might help the morning routine at home (my mornings were more like yours when autistic one was in mainstream primary and hating it) If there are demand avoidant traits (even if not full PDA) then the techniques and strategies recommended on the PDA Society website might help (essentially removing perceived demands, making it into a game, suggesting rather than instructing etc)

Yes, exactly. Dc1 hates school, he isn't good with making mistakes. He follows very rigid rules and doesn't take any form of criticism well. He can misinterpret instructions at school, and then not understand why he is getting told he is making mistakes because in his mind he has followed exactly what they have told him to do. He is very literal, for example school could say, "write a few lines." He would half listen and draw lines with a ruler (this type of thing). They say to make a paper boat, he'll make a plane etc.

He will come out of school devastated over very small things that wouldn't bother other children. We have had numerous talks and meetings in school, and they have interventions in place for him, visual timetables, engaging his attention and ensuring 1 to 1 that he understands the task, a quiet place to go when he is feeling overwhelmed etc. This has helped him massively, but unfortunately his anxiety is preventing him from coping with things as well as we had hoped. We have an appt with CYPS and a gp soon to discuss.
He has adhd (not the bolting hyperactive kind, the other type), autism, and anxiety, and I highly suspect demand avoidance as you mentioned. Everything is on ds's terms and what he is interested in. He can give huge amounts of attention to his passions.

It is heartbreaking to see this little boy think so lowly of himself. I give him so much love and praise everyday.

OP posts:

steppemum · 12/03/2025 15:29

and if he is chewing, definitley get him a chewy necklace, and some fiddle toys. They are really helpful.

steppemum · 12/03/2025 15:22

3 kids, all now older.
Youngest is ND and 17, I still wake her up in the morning and give her an 'are you up yet' shout.
(although on the rare days when I have to wake her and then leave for work, she is perfectly able to get up and get out of the door, but emotionally she needs to support on a daily basis)

The age that they could do any of these things, varied hugely from child to child, and also from day to day. I often helped with socks or shoe laces, even when quite old. Ds wouldn't eat breakfast unless I put it out on the table ready. The others could help themselves to what they wanted.

But for my ND dd, she wasn't diagnosed as autistic until 16. Bit at primary school, some days getting out of the door was hard. She would have a random meltdown over socks/ breakfast/coat. It wasn't socks, it was transition out of the door to school. I finally learnt that often what I needed to do was sit on the floor and give her a firm hug. No talking, just hug. Then she would calm down, do socks and shoes and we could go. Incredibly routine based, any break of routine was a disaster. Also very inclined ot get angry with siblings just before school.

She was exhausted after school too.

A lot of the practical support was also emotional support. It wasn't so much that she needed the help, she needed me there with her in the pre-school hour.

Honestly? At some point they get independant because they want it. Looking back I wish I had been more laid back, and more calm in those days. Who cares if they need a bit of help with shoes!

Original poster

LiveinHarmony · 12/03/2025 15:16

VeggPatch · 12/03/2025 13:02

His class teacher has told him to stop biting his sleeve as he is in year 3, not reception

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go in then. What an unhelpful way to deal with an AuDHD child. Have a look for chewy necklaces - you can get ones shaped like lego bricks etc.

I suspect you might get less difficult behaviour in the mornings if his class teacher wasn't shaming him for things he can't help.

Aside from that, tweaks I might make to your morning routine would be

Get DC2 up first since he takes longer - can he have a visual timetable to dress himself while you help DC1? If he is NT then a star chart or marble jar might work well for doing everything on the visual timetable himself.
No screens in the morning - we have noticed SUCH a difference in DD (also AuDHD) since we had a screen ban in the morning. As soon as she's on a screen she doesn't process boring instructions like "put your shoes on."
Timer so they can see when breakfast finishes, alarm or Alexa set for shoes time.
Make it a race to get shoes on - then you suddenly remember you need to "find your keys" so the boys win the race - novelty and playfulness work really well.

It is difficult. DD is 10 and I still physically dress her most mornings.

Thank you for your reply. I was surprised by it, because the teacher is usually great, and really good with my son. I can only put it down to having a boistrous class of 27/28 kids, and a mistake. It is difficult to get dc2 up first, because he is waiting for his tonsils and adenoids taken out. It means his sleep is very poor, and this leads to emotional volatility the next day.
Thank you, I'm often playful with him which does make him laugh, although it also makes him procrastinate longer! This is because he is putting off leaving to go to school. He also doesn't like standing next to his brother when he is in the matching uniform because of the buttons (even though they're hidden under his jumper).
Thank you, it is good to know I'm not the only one. It can be disheartening when I see all of his NT classmates doing things for themselves, walking nicely out of school etc/or exhibiting age appropriate behaviour. I have to be very careful what I say to dc1 at the end of his day, because his metre is full at that point.

OP posts:

Awumminnscotland · 12/03/2025 15:10

AnxiousAnnie1984 · 12/03/2025 15:06

Oh so relatable! 😆 Our DS sometimes goes to school with his clothes on backwards. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If I say something about it he claims it’s his style.

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Oh I get that! We've also only just managed to get her to brush her own hair, hated getting it brushed and would try and leave it unbrushed saying it's my body! It got brushed.

AnxiousAnnie1984 · 12/03/2025 15:06

Awumminnscotland · 12/03/2025 14:57

Dd is 9, 10 this year, aspergers type autism. In last few months I'm seeing a little bit more of an insight in her that she's aware of what she needs to do to be ready. For example, she'll know she needs shoes on and hair brushed but there is absolutely no consistency in actually doing those things. I will prompt saying shoes then hair and she'll say I know I know then I'll find her twirling around in the hall.
This is all a huge improvement. She does get there but needs supervision and prompting. Until now I've had to be right beside her leading her through each action..but its still am absolute chore...left sock, no don't examine your feet, right sock, put the book down, why have you taken off your cardigan? Why are you dancing now? We need to leave, put your shoes back on, stop rolling on the floor, you've already examined the contents of your 2 pencil cases put them back in the bag...
Some days now she'll appear dressed, packing her bag and wants to help with breakfast then next day it's like her brain fell out again.
We've tried every timer and visual timetable and now and next chart known to man. All work for a short time while it's a novelty.
The only thing that works is close connection, prompting, notice when things go well and praise but not overly, emphasise the consequence of staying on track eg NOW you can dance for 10 mins or go choose your favourite pencils to take or play or whatever. I just try and make it as easy for her to succeed as possible but it will still not be a smooth progression.
I don't think there's a one size fits all you just really need the time to be there for them.

Oh so relatable! 😆 Our DS sometimes goes to school with his clothes on backwards. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If I say something about it he claims it’s his style.

Original poster

LiveinHarmony · 12/03/2025 15:01

Squidgemoon · 12/03/2025 12:47

My DS9 is 100% NT but is not good at independence or getting ready in the mornings! I don’t have much advice OP but I don’t think it’s all down to ND either … DS needs a hell of a lot of prompting, I don’t think left to his own devices he would EVER brush his teeth …

Haha, that's interesting to hear. I do suspect dc1 has ND and a laid back ha hem laziness in the mix as well!

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 12/03/2025 14:59

About 10 or 11

This then lasted for a few years and then the independence vanished a bit during teen years as they struggled to wake up.

One ASD one AuDHD

We left the house at the same time and had a morning routine that did not change from when they were about 5. Reminders were needed regularly.

Awumminnscotland · 12/03/2025 14:57

Dd is 9, 10 this year, aspergers type autism. In last few months I'm seeing a little bit more of an insight in her that she's aware of what she needs to do to be ready. For example, she'll know she needs shoes on and hair brushed but there is absolutely no consistency in actually doing those things. I will prompt saying shoes then hair and she'll say I know I know then I'll find her twirling around in the hall.
This is all a huge improvement. She does get there but needs supervision and prompting. Until now I've had to be right beside her leading her through each action..but its still am absolute chore...left sock, no don't examine your feet, right sock, put the book down, why have you taken off your cardigan? Why are you dancing now? We need to leave, put your shoes back on, stop rolling on the floor, you've already examined the contents of your 2 pencil cases put them back in the bag...
Some days now she'll appear dressed, packing her bag and wants to help with breakfast then next day it's like her brain fell out again.
We've tried every timer and visual timetable and now and next chart known to man. All work for a short time while it's a novelty.
The only thing that works is close connection, prompting, notice when things go well and praise but not overly, emphasise the consequence of staying on track eg NOW you can dance for 10 mins or go choose your favourite pencils to take or play or whatever. I just try and make it as easy for her to succeed as possible but it will still not be a smooth progression.
I don't think there's a one size fits all you just really need the time to be there for them.

Original poster

LiveinHarmony · 12/03/2025 14:56

Catza · 12/03/2025 12:41

@LiveinHarmony another thing I forgot to mention is that I actually could not tolerate any form of talking in the morning, or much in a way of sound and light. So my mum didn't have to keep completely silent but everything had to be at a much reduced volume, nothing that would require a response from me. So maybe there is also a sensory component to consider with your son where it's not necessarily requests that he is finding difficult but having to process stimuli and "generate" an appropriate response.

Thank you so much, your advice has been really helpful. Everything you have said resonates with my situation. The not talking in the morning is such good advice as he is distracted, and he hates me asking him questions, eg., "What do you want for breakfast?" It takes ages to grab his attention, I'll often have to say a random word like, "Minecraft" to break his focus, as he won't answer to his name. He is laid back about some things, so I now know to just put the food infront of him. I think he prefers small decisions made for him, when he is already anxious about his school day that lies ahead.
My son hates buttons, so I have cut those off his polo shirt which is helping; he still hates the uniform because it is associated with school. I am definately going to set his alarm clock for a bit earlier as you suggested. I have high hopes this extra time will help, because the rushing is awful. I think if he feels he has more time to watch his programs (he is obsessed with Windows operating systems dating back to 1995) and it really helps him relax. I'm not going to tell him I'm going to change his alarm time, I'll just do it, then take things slower, and hopefully, he will be surprised at how much extra time he has. Thank you again x

OP posts:

AnxiousAnnie1984 · 12/03/2025 14:53

AnxiousAnnie1984 · 12/03/2025 14:43

I’m in the same boat op. ND DS(9) and NT DS(4).
youngest just started school (we’re not in the UK).

We saw a big difference in terms of morning meltdowns since he started sleeping better on melatonin (prescribed by child neuropsychiatrist , 0,2 mg every night two hours before he is supposed to sleep. This is the lowest dosage, we are in NL where melatonin is available otc but in ridiculously high dosages while the right dosage and timing are crucial!) He now sleeps between 20:00-20:30 every night, while before he would sleep closer tot 22:00-2300. We were all going mad after two years of this!

I also think not being too hard on yourself will help. The stress only adds to the ND challenges. We have a thing where he can cross offthe tasks in the morning but it he’s not feeling well it won’t help. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think lack of sleep =mental block in the morning so maybe evaluate his sleep pattern first.

Good luck op! You can DM me if you like

i wanted to add this link. https://images.app.goo.gl/oJLtuFKAE5MPCxcz6

https://images.app.goo.gl/oJLtuFKAE5MPCxcz6

CeriseKoala · 12/03/2025 14:51

My ASD daughter has done it herself for honestly as long as I remember. She's extremely routine driven and also HATES anyone helping her. So clothes were put out ready the night before, even at like 4/5. I also picked easy on uniform to help her,
so polo shirts, no laces. she's always had her own alarm and got up the same time. She isn't up and raring to go but she's sets her alarm early enough to give herself the time she needs. Then has second and third alarms when she needs to get up/go downstairs/leave etc. She struggles if there's an ad hoc difference to her day (like if we had the dentist first thing or something) but she's now 12 and I literally just check she's up (mainly for myself) then keep out of the way.

AnxiousAnnie1984 · 12/03/2025 14:43

I’m in the same boat op. ND DS(9) and NT DS(4).
youngest just started school (we’re not in the UK).

We saw a big difference in terms of morning meltdowns since he started sleeping better on melatonin (prescribed by child neuropsychiatrist , 0,2 mg every night two hours before he is supposed to sleep. This is the lowest dosage, we are in NL where melatonin is available otc but in ridiculously high dosages while the right dosage and timing are crucial!) He now sleeps between 20:00-20:30 every night, while before he would sleep closer tot 22:00-2300. We were all going mad after two years of this!

I also think not being too hard on yourself will help. The stress only adds to the ND challenges. We have a thing where he can cross offthe tasks in the morning but it he’s not feeling well it won’t help. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think lack of sleep =mental block in the morning so maybe evaluate his sleep pattern first.

Good luck op! You can DM me if you like

Toomanyusernamestochoose · 12/03/2025 14:31

LiveinHarmony · 12/03/2025 12:08

My two don't seem that hungry in the morning, they take ages to eat, and need constant reminders. Maybe they're eating too much the day before, I have no idea! They do great with their lunches, and dinners, and are good eaters, so this isn't the problem. Dc1 is more of an early riser, dc2 later.

Dc2 I think would rather a later breakfast, and takes ages to come around (he doesn't sleep well as he has enlarged tonsils and adenoids) which I expect is adding to the behavioural issues we're having with him. Dc1 is too wound up about going to school, and trying to get computer time to look at multiple pc operating systems (which is his current obsession).
I don't know what to do! I feel really deflated, and any advice would be gratefully appreciated from anybody who has both ND and NT kids, and how ypu balance things.

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Sorry things are so difficult for you. PP have given you some great advice.
I think our easy mornings are more good luck than good parenting - we have challenges over food at other times of the day and over other things in general. Banning screens in the morning works for us as they would achieve nothing if they had one but I am not dealing with a ND child so completely get your challenges are different

44PumpLane · 12/03/2025 14:22

8yo twin girls, one AuDHD, one NT.

I wake both at 7.30 and we give them breakfast, then badger both to brush their teeth and badger them both to put on the clothes we have laid out for them.

My NT child gets dressed when asked, my AuDHD needs to be constantly promoted or she gets distracted by everything.

I believe I've made a rod for my own back in that they have always got changed downstairs, but now we are at the age where they probably need to be getting changed upstairs and I don't know how to change the routine! Not very helpful for you I know!

Lolypoly14 · 12/03/2025 14:07

My ND daughter is 19, and to be honest, still needs a bit of promoting now.

She’ll get out of the shower and quite often will end up wrapped in a towel sat on her bed doom scrolling on her phone, or will have got distracted by something completely random in her room and needs prompting to get back on track.

She’s set a load of alarms on her phone to prompt her to take her medication, her bus is in 10 minutes, she should have left the house by now, etc. When she was younger we had a white board in her room and a load of smiley face stickers that she put onto the board whenever she’d completed a task.

As far as I remember, she could physically dress herself by the time she started school, but I’d need to lay her clothes out for her, in the order she needed to put them on. As she got older, she got into a routine of laying them out herself.

DD used to chew a lot, we bought some chewy, rubbery necklace things that she could wear around her neck rather than chewing clothes.

Boeufsurletoit · 12/03/2025 13:50

NT (or less ND at any rate) child has got himself ready since he was 5/6 I think, with very little input from me, although I've always got up with him and when he goes through phases of preferring not to be woken by an alarm I check he's up. Sometimes I take him breakfast in bed if he looks tired! Never had any problems though - he just doesn't find that aspect of life hard. ND child is a completely different story and will sometimes surprise me but generally has a very difficult time getting ready still at twice that age.

Jade520 · 12/03/2025 13:41

I agree with PP, chewing his sleeve will be a sensory thing that probably calms him - to put him down over it is pretty unforgiveable. A gentle reminder maybe but putting him down like that is horrid. No wonder he feel stressed and doesn't want to go to school. Have a word with the teacher. I would guess a lot of your problems are actually down to him not going to school and I'd be very concerned that he could become a school refuser in the future. More needs to be done to understand and support him at school even if he appears 'fine' IMO.

I also agree with trying to make everything a game or for a small reward. Tell him to see if he can put his trousers on before you count to ten. Maybe get him to do a magic trick (I bet you can't do some magic and get those trousers on before I get back!) or be silly, tell him that his trousers are actually your trousers and you're going to wear them today so he'd better not put them on himself. Be fun and animated. Any time he does it be amazed or say oh my goodness I can't believe you're wearing my trousers. It's a bit of trial and error often to see what he thinks is fun/funny. You might find he's much better at doing things you tell him not to do! But making it into a really fun game often worked with mine. These things also work just as well with NT kids too!

I would say if he wants tv with his smoothie then he needs to be ready on time and the quicker he's ready the more time he'll have. Use his smoothie/tv time as a reward. If he's not ready then it'll be smoothie in the car and unfortunately no time for tv. I also wouldn't ask him too many questions in the morning - have you done this, have you done that, as it's likely to be overwhelming.

If he's really into computers has he got into programming at all? Check out Scratch and see if he'd enjoy it. Mine started there, then moved on to python and then C# and now he has an apprenticeship as a software engineer. Programming makes more sense to him (ASD) than people!