To ask for advice on how to minimise your chances of becoming a victim of bullying ?

Really interesting thread OP and one I can, unfortunately relate to. I've been bullied throughout my life - changed secondary school as a teenager and left multiple jobs due to this. I came from a broken home with lots of emotional abuse, neglect and a narcissistic mother and sibling. I was the ' black sheep' and carried this label out of the home and into wider society where people would hone in on my quietness, meek behaviour and people pleasing tendencies to further push me down and separate me from the group. One thing I have learnt is the ' ignore them' advice never ever works - it's the green light to bullies that you won't stand up to them, challenge their actions or seek support from others, further isolating yourself. If I could go back in time I'd tell my timid inner child to speak up, get help, nip any unpleasant interactions in the bud by asking " why would you say / do that? ", and shine a light on the behaviours. Bullies thrive on secrecy and operate in the shadows. Ultimately it comes down to self esteem, a strong sense of self, resilience and an inner confidence that you're just as good as anyone else and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Life's a real battle ground if you haven't been treated well in your childhood developmental years as you've been raised to never be ' good enough'.

Worth saying at the outset that its never up to the victim to "prevent" bullying -- it's up to the bully not to do it and on others to call it out.

I don't think it's really relevant whether someone is a loner or a joiner in. Its more whether the person projects a sense of confidence and self-sufficiency in themselves.

Bullies home in on people who are weak or who they perceive to be weak, or people who are different and easy to be picked off. Sometimes they also try with people who are opinionated and noticeable in order to bring them into line with where the bully perceives them to be in the status pecking order (ie beneath the bully). That may or may not work depending on the noticeable person's sense of their own self-esteem.

But I don't think bullies are particularly looking for extroverts or introverts, they are looking for anyone whom they can use to boost their sense of their own status by putting them down. You can be loud and visible or quiet and self-contained and neither state necessarily speaks to your inner strength and self-confidence.

To reiterate, I don't think its ever anyone's fault but the bully's. But I do think avoiding people pleasing and going along with the crowd is probably a bit of a protective mechanism. Bullies sense when someone is scared or seeking approval. The less you seem to seek it, the harder it will be to leverage that.

Interesting question. I've worked with hundreds of victims of domestic abuse and the one thing I would say all of them lacked was self esteem. I think abusers and bullies somehow sniff out this in someone and home in. As.a mother I am trying to instill self esteem in my children (boys and girls) to protect them against bullies and abusers

What happened to you? What would they do/say?

There needs to be a level of acting socially normal. Don't be smelly and fart all the time. Don't go around telling everyone your deepest feelings and emotions. Don't go around acting like a weirdo.

If the bullying is physical, fight back to the best of your ability. Even if you lose, you lose but make an attempt. Also responding to verbal bullying with a punch to the face works, just use the element of surprise. DS gave the bully a black eye and we commended him.

So many of these threads recently. Very depressing. But we always told DS to hit back if bullied and he did and he won. We supported him and told him he did nothing wrong.

Idk - I started secondary school wearing my
mum’s supermarket jumpers with a big sheep on it. I remember the sniggers, but she didn’t get it when I tried to explain either.

Overall, they’d be better off teaching you to accept yourself, set boundaries and cracking on than some bad sense of copying to fit in @arntz

I agree with this too. Groups that indulge in bullying need to be avoided. Easy to say if you are reliant on them and unfortunately adult groups can still be like this.

This was my experience at Primary, when I refused to be involved in bullying anymore I became the target. I would like to say I did the right thing but it was Hell and I wish I hadn't done it, it still affects me over 40 years later and coloured all my friendships at Secondary too

I think lack of confidence is a major one which you said your friend had/has.

Although I guess bullying can easily diminish someone's confidence, it certainly helps to have bundles of it to start with.

I do think fitting in helps to a certain extent though, I'll never forgive my parents for letting me start secondary school with a botched haircut and a hand me down ruck sack for my school bag!

I agree with this too. Groups that indulge in bullying need to be avoided. Easy to say if you are reliant on them and unfortunately adult groups can still be like this.

In my case I regret not pushing back for my own self esteem. However, would I want to be friends with these people now? Absolutely not. Awful, petty insecure types that need swerving.

I think with maturity and self awareness you need to not allow yourself to be 'friends' with anyone that behaves unkindly to others. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me!

Being different from the majority is usually a trigger.
I still get a bit of rage if I see the 'don't react' advice getting rolled out, as in my experience nothing I did or didn't do made any difference. The bully says something horrible about me, his friend laughs, bully feels good and does it again. My reaction or lack of played fuck all part in the equation.
The one thing I did not do though was punch them. I hated any kind of rough physical contact, and was way too scared to get into a fight. From what I've read though it does seem to be the only way. Separation saved me in the end. All my worst bullies were boys, so I gave them the slip by going to an all girls high-school. Some of the girls there did have the odd crack at me, but it was so mild in comparison to what I'd been through before that it barely mattered.

Phew, rant over. Still so many unresolved issues, sigh

Yes, boundaries, and showing it affects you - and there you also have the reason why so many autistic girls are bullied.

He might have been right though.

Apologies about the random GIF. Definitely not intended!

I know, often people get crucified on here for suggesting their kid actually stands up for themselves.

Obviously that approach changes when you’re an adult but I wholeheartedly support a swift smack for any brat who picks on someone else.

I tend to agree that bullies will usually pick on someone they think will not fight back.

Among girls I have seen a kind of queen bee type who will low-level bully the girl at the bottom of the pile in her own group, or sometimes bully one or two in turn. The goal seems to be to keep them desperate to fit in, so the few girls on the bottom also bully each other to try and solidify their position.

I think not caring is probably the best remedy for girls, and maybe for adults too, but for boys it might be solidly pushing back at the beginning. Including physically.

I agree with him.

I had classmates who were bullied, but the outcomes for them were very different because they had the support of friends.

And I disagree with the posters who said victims do not attract bullies. They absolutely do. Bullies soon learn who they can get away with bullying.

Send-assurance helps to reduce the attention of bullies, and helps the person to recover from their attention.

Or ask them to repeat what they have said as you didn't understand . This takes the wind out of their sails. As they will have to repeat what they have said or explain themselves , and do it every time they make a mean remark.

Absolutely. When I come across a nasty person I always tell myself 'their behaviour says everything about them and nothing about me'. So if their actions don't cause me or my family actual harm I move on

People tried bullying DD at school, having two older brothers gave her s thick skin and she wouldn't let it bother. They tried getting physical with her but he elder brother saw and intervened .

She's still annoyed that he did as she says she could have handled it.

Basically you can't be bullied if you don't let yourself be bullied. Give these people no head space, ignore what they're saying.

Some words of wisdom that someone said to me and it was a game changer . " If it wasn't you they were bullying it would be someone else." It's true . The problem lies with the bully . It's them with a problem not you .