Shamed by HV for not exposing DD to a second language

I spoke fluent French when I was young but growing up my family home didn’t prioritise it so like you, I’m rusty.

I raised my daughter as a single mum and she was exposed to French through family as a baby and knew some phases, but 10 years later, she doesn’t know a single word of French - and I do feel very bad! As I just didn’t prioritise it. I sometimes wish I did.

I say this to say that there will always be things that we feel guilty about. Some HV are more annoying and vocal than others. Don’t feel bad. But make the decision on how important it is for your child to learn a second language. For us it’s important because half of our extended family speak French - however if that wasn’t the case, English is a powerful enough language. However as someone that knows 3 languages (but rusty with 2) - knowing more languages definitely was a bonus growing up and it’s generally a great skill that I believe makes one more empathetic.

Your HV is nuts. This would only be an issue if you weren’t speaking your first language at home, which you are. One of my friends doesn’t speak her parents’ first language because they were instructed only to speak English to her which is also nuts. If you want daughter to grow up bilingual, the thing to do is find a nursery where a different language is used.

I voted YABU to listen to the HV nonsense. It is true that children are more receptive to picking up another language at a young age but many parents only know/speak their native language and children learn additional ones at school. I don't know anyone who has gone out of their way to force this into their parenting unless it's common in the household/social circle. It can be a positive thing but it isn't mandatory.

We had a polish neighbour when DS was younger who would teach him a couple of words when they saw eachother. He's 4 now and the neighbour has moved but DS can say key everyday words like coffee, bin, etc in Polish but he isn't fluent. He also has fun teaching me and DD the words he learned.

Always a key benefit & life skill to be able to speak more than one language. Kids can absorb languages easily upto around 7 years of age. Tbh any exposure to other languages would be a bonus. Tv programs, books, etc would work. Dd does need to become bilingual but the ability to speak competently will open up many doors for her.

To have a child be bi-lingual takes two parents, who each speak a target language exclusively to the DC - so it is a bi-lingual household (it will work even if one parent is mono-lingual, btw). Your DD would probably pick up some French if you played games using it etc. but it sounds like you have enough to do without teaching her a second language! Your HV was talking through her hat. Stupid comments.

I don't want to share where I live or which language I speak, but I'm bilingual and had all my education through the medium of my second language. Nobody in my family speaks it (stamped out of my parents for colonial reasons). I work in my second language and mostly socialise in English. I'm fluent in both.

My baby will be bilingual - English at home (DH is not bothered about learning a second language), but different language with me and will go to school, do exams etc in second language. It's another string to their bow, and I can support them. We're able to reclaim part of our culture and heritage and baby will get the best of both worlds. For all I know, baby will never use it after school (which happened to my brothers), and completely lose it.

BUT this is our choice. No medical professional has the right to shame you into feeling otherwise.

Unless she needs French to speak to certain family members I wouldn't bother yet personally. I would focus on learning English without the confusion of a second language, and then you can teach her some French once that's secure.
She's not necessarily even going to need to know French, it's no longer taught it the schools locally to us (they do Spanish instead) and doesn't seem worth potentially delaying her speech for if it's likely to not even be used.

First, I'd ignore comments on here from anyone who hasn't raised a child bilingually.

What you're suggesting may not be enough, but any exposure is good exposure. Experts recommend to be exposed to a language for 20% of your awake time in order to become fluent in it. The second thing I would say is that it isn't easy. French is my first language, yet it didn't feel natural for lots of reasons - environment being in english, other parents around, not enough time in the day... So I would say, don't worry about it not feeling natural, I think it's normal to an extent. My DC wasn't exposed to much french in the first couple of years of her life. Yet she became fluent when I decided I had to make an effort... I know experts don't recommend screen time, but if and when you let her have screen time, make it french only. It certainly helped in my case. Mine didn't see the other language as something annoying, it was our "secret language" - Still is ;-)

The health visitor sounds barking.

Dont give her any head space and certainly don’t think you have to rake up a second language.

I'd be doing the smile, nod and ignore.

No no no no.
This is not something we are going to get "mum guilt" over.
No, enough, we have enough already.

HV is letting down the system, her profession by , perpetuating a stereotype that they are all "out to get you" in some way. Add this to this of reasons mums don't ask for help.

I wonder whether HVs have to always pull you up on something. If the only thing she had was this languages stuff then I'd say you were doing a great job. Ignore her, she's being ridiculous (unless you're going to drip feed that you live in France 😆)

Don't have that fruitcake in your house again!

And btw, schools where I live tend to teach Spanish!

OP, if it makes you feel any better when DS was born I was researching bilingualism as English is not my mother tongue. So I happened to read the website of a German LA (translated to my language and btw I don't live in Germany!) and they explicitly told non-native speakers:

"DO NOT speak to your children in German! We do not want you to teach them wrong German. Once they go to nursery they will pick enough German to start Y1. E.g. if the mother speaks X language and the father Y then they should each speak their own language to the child. We want them to have solid foundations in at least one language."

A friend in the UK was told by the HV that when they are outside the house they should only speak to their child in English so that the child understands that English is the language spoken in the UK otherwise DC would get confused

I didn't want to put the effort in. It takes real work to talk in a second language when the country you live in speaks your first language. We speak English as a family because DP only speaks English. We don't have any friends who speak the second language. It would have meant dedicating most of my alone time with DC to speaking the second language, and although I speak it very well, it's not the most natural language for me. I wanted to spend that time bonding naturally with my DC, not trying to pass on a language skill. The baby years were lovely but also hard, and then toddler and preschool years were busy. Perhaps we could have put more effort in, like a dedicated activity in that language each week, but any more than that would have gotten in the way of me parenting my DC as best I can.

One thing I do is have exposure through music and TV and the occasional few sentences, so that they can pick up pronunciation. I do this because it's easy and because I think correct pronunciation is one of the hardest things to learn for adult language learners.

This is exactly why I opted out of the HV service with my second.
With my first she made me feel like such a failure. DS had to be monitored for weight for the first 6 months. Every week I had to have him weighed and every week she would tell me he hadn't put on enough and that I wasn't doing enough. It wasn't until she was off sick on week that another HV was like WTF he is fine. He was a small birth weight so obviously is going to be on the smaller end of the scale.
6 months of worry and mum guilty for nothing!!!

If you aren't using multiple languages every day in your home, I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at what the HV is saying. You are not letting your DD down.
My husband is South African. He knows and grew up learning Afrikaans at school etc but we haven't even through to teach out children it.

Absolutely none of her business. However, I spoke French to the kids from early childhood, taught them phrases, songs and did easy French workbooks and they do all speak it well. One is doing it for A level another did German for A level. It’s definitely worth doing.

And this is why I ignore health visitors. There are so many women who have been told utter shite by them.

When I was distraught and suicidal with PND, mine said "well, call me in a week once this phase has passed". I genuinely at that point didn't think I'd be alive in a week.

Then with DD2 the HV said something like "breastfeeding is like putting a protective bubble around your baby, and I just don't know how any loving mother could choose not to do that."

Something doesn't add up here.

OP, what did the HV actually say?

Op this is absolutely ridiculous. There are literally millions of children in the UK who only know one language! They'll learn french at school and that's that. It's fine!

HVs are ridiculous. I never received any decent advice from any of the HVs I met, in fact one had me in floods of tears when she took it upon herself to diagnose my DS with an issue that would have required major surgery if he had have had it. He was later seen by a specialist and they reassured me he was fine. She was an utter twit.