Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shamed by HV for not exposing DD to a second language

358 replies

Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 07:21

I had DDs 12 months appointment yesterday. This time was better than previous times as she only managed to say something vaguely offensive 3 times during the 10 minute appointment.

However, there was one comment she made that filled me up with 'mum guilt' about not exposing DD to a second language. I live in a very multicultural area where most children are being brought learning 2 or 3 languages so seeing a child just speaking English is probably less common.

I speak good french (lived and worked in France for several years) but haven't used french for at least 4 years so am rusty! Speaking french with DD didn't feel natural compared to using my mother tongue. Now I am questioning whether that was a poor decision.

As a single mum I have a lot on my plate but I am thinking of starting to expose DD to some french.
My thoughts were:

  • Turning her doll into a francophone so when ever we play with it use french.
  • incorporating some simple everyday phrases into our daily routine
  • reading books in french in the morning during breakfast
  • listening to some nursery rhymes in french

Does this approach sound reasonable?

OP posts:
roseyposey · 12/03/2025 13:21

Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 13:00

Also, thank you for the replies everyone. I wasn't intending for this to become a HV bashing thread - there are plenty of those on Mumsnet. It was really about my approach to introducing french and whether that sounded reasonable. The replies have helped me see I'm probably overthinking and to relax a little

No, this thread is not about your approach to speaking French and whether it sounded reasonable..

I don’t think I’m the only poster who didn’t understand this from your OP. I think you’re disingenuous.

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 13:19

Whoarethoseguys · 12/03/2025 13:13

Are you sure you didn't misinterpret what the health visitor said? Did she just comment that there were many bilingual families in your area and that it's good for children? Which is a perfectly acceptable comment and something I'm sure I've said in conversations
Or did she say 'you should be teaching your baby another language even though you are English and only speak English. I can't imagine any health visitor saying that.

Her words exactly were "letting down" as in I would be letting DD down if I didn't expose her to another language that I know because young children can learn up to 5 languages. As I said, I don't think it was intentionally shaming but her delivery was horrible and it hit a nerve.

OP posts:
Whoarethoseguys · 12/03/2025 13:13

Are you sure you didn't misinterpret what the health visitor said? Did she just comment that there were many bilingual families in your area and that it's good for children? Which is a perfectly acceptable comment and something I'm sure I've said in conversations
Or did she say 'you should be teaching your baby another language even though you are English and only speak English. I can't imagine any health visitor saying that.

SunsetCocktails · 12/03/2025 13:13

TeenLifeMum · 12/03/2025 12:55

This is bizarre. My HV was over the moon we had books in our house - maybe that says a lot about the other families she was dealing with.

I can still remember one health visitor 20 years ago, when I apologised for the mess of toys everywhere, saying "Don't worry, it's lovely to see toys out. A lot of the families I visit don't have any toys full stop" 😕

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 12/03/2025 13:13

So, in context, the 'Don't worry mummy will take you to nursery soon' sounds more 'grown up makes idle, inane chitchat with very small child' and less 'HV makes pointed comment about a lack of enrichment at home'.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 12/03/2025 13:12

Pop Dora the Explorer on... make a cup of tea... think no more about it.

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 13:11

101Nutella · 12/03/2025 12:26

This hasn’t ever been mentioned in an HV meeting I had. And I’ve had them in bilingual areas.

i probably would have laughed in their face at the suggestion and said I’ll get to it when I get more than 3-5 hours asleep (unbroken) a night.

theres no rule that says you need to speak multiple languages. It’s obviously helpful and good to do, but parenting is a lot to do solo as it is.

if this has honestly upset you, maybe you’re feeling a bit worried generally? You’re doing a great job and you can’t do everything all of the time. If your kid is loved, fed and developing well that’s enough. All this extra is just that, good if you can but if not don’t worry.

I was really confident at first but self doubt creeps in. Everyone talks about pnd but noone really mentions the one year mark which for me has been tough mentally. So yeah, you are probably right. All from a good place that I think nearly every mum can relate to - wanting to do your very best for your baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 13:07

BlackStrayCat · 12/03/2025 13:04

But you are not native/mother tongue or bilingual.

Bottom line.You speak good French.
I teach C1 Spanish adults and they pay me to teach their children.
They help and encourage. Which is what you can do, later.

Show quote history

I never claimed to be? Nor am I on a mission to raise a bilingual child...

OP posts:
MementoMountain · 12/03/2025 13:06

My toddler once presented a health visitor with a dead mouse. "Failure to make child multilingual" doesn't even come close in terms of parental embarrassment.

To do her justice, she just laughed.

BlackStrayCat · 12/03/2025 13:04

Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 12:38

I think you misread my post. I didn't say I lived in France for 4 years. I said I haven't had to physically speak french for around four years. I took have spent 10 years fully immersed, living and working France. I last tested at C1 so not native level, but a pretty good grasp of the language.

Show quote history

But you are not native/mother tongue or bilingual.

Bottom line.You speak good French.
I teach C1 Spanish adults and they pay me to teach their children.
They help and encourage. Which is what you can do, later.

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 13:03

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 12/03/2025 12:27

Are you in Hackney? The HV's in Hackney are kind of famous for being totally mental!

Show quote history

Not hackney but very close. I don't want to give my address in case I get an angry HV knocking at my door 😅

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 12/03/2025 13:02

Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 12:54

That was an unrelated point...
Context: daughter pointing at ladybirds on jumper
HV: oh ladybugs (or something like that)
Me: yes she loves ladybirds
HV: oh is she in nursery?
Me: no
HV: children in nursery like ladybirds
Me (puzzled expression)
HV to DD: Don't worry mummy will take you to nursery soon.

Me. Still puzzled...

Show quote history

She sounds dim. I’d look at her and say just run that by me again. What are you trying to say as it looks like you are doing the pass agg thing of speaking to a child to have a go at me. Don’t be intimidated by her.

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 13:00

Also, thank you for the replies everyone. I wasn't intending for this to become a HV bashing thread - there are plenty of those on Mumsnet. It was really about my approach to introducing french and whether that sounded reasonable. The replies have helped me see I'm probably overthinking and to relax a little

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 12/03/2025 13:00

RobinHeartella · 12/03/2025 07:25

Obviously yanbu to read some French to your child, but yabu to give the silly hv's opinion any headspace.

You say you have a lot on your plate - this is really not worth you worrying about. Plenty of time to introduce languages - there's arguments for starting at age 4 or even 11.

Exactly, you don’t have to take everyone’s random opinion as gospel. Work on that not French!
God my hv spoke to me like I was feeble of brain in this odd high pitched voice. I assumed that was because she pitched her approach at the lowest common denominator.

ArtyFartyHippopotamus · 12/03/2025 12:59

That Health Visitor is unprofessional and has no right to make you feel ashamed. My grandson has speech delay now and that is thought to be from trying to understand 2 languages. I would tell her that it’s non of her business. She should be focusing on the health of children not what language they speak, that is your business not hers.

Casperroonie · 12/03/2025 12:59

Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 07:21

I had DDs 12 months appointment yesterday. This time was better than previous times as she only managed to say something vaguely offensive 3 times during the 10 minute appointment.

However, there was one comment she made that filled me up with 'mum guilt' about not exposing DD to a second language. I live in a very multicultural area where most children are being brought learning 2 or 3 languages so seeing a child just speaking English is probably less common.

I speak good french (lived and worked in France for several years) but haven't used french for at least 4 years so am rusty! Speaking french with DD didn't feel natural compared to using my mother tongue. Now I am questioning whether that was a poor decision.

As a single mum I have a lot on my plate but I am thinking of starting to expose DD to some french.
My thoughts were:

  • Turning her doll into a francophone so when ever we play with it use french.
  • incorporating some simple everyday phrases into our daily routine
  • reading books in french in the morning during breakfast
  • listening to some nursery rhymes in french

Does this approach sound reasonable?

Look at bilingualfamily.org
Bilingualism is a gift, if you can help.pave the way it would be hugely beneficial, but there is more than one way to do this. This website is amazing, it might help.

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 12:58

I can kind of see the HVs point. I'm sure it was well intentioned as in to say 'if you know another language use it with DD as children absorb languages like a sponge". The delivery was all wrong but I do think she has a point which was why I've been feeling guilty and racking my brains about the best way to incorporate french into our daily routine. I'm not aiming to raise a bilingual child, I just don't have the setup or energy for that, just exposure.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 12/03/2025 12:55

This is bizarre. My HV was over the moon we had books in our house - maybe that says a lot about the other families she was dealing with.

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 12:54

Mrsgus · 12/03/2025 10:28

I don't get the part where she says to your daughter not to worry as she'll soon be in nursery, I would have asked her to clarify just what she was implying there. The only nurseries and schools I know of that teach a second language, unless you are putting your child in a private bilingual nursery/school, are nurseries and schools in Wales. Even then we have our 'regular' schools where they are taught just a basic introduction to Welsh or full Welsh speaking schools. Learning a language (typically French or German) then becomes compulsory in comprehensive schools.

That was an unrelated point...
Context: daughter pointing at ladybirds on jumper
HV: oh ladybugs (or something like that)
Me: yes she loves ladybirds
HV: oh is she in nursery?
Me: no
HV: children in nursery like ladybirds
Me (puzzled expression)
HV to DD: Don't worry mummy will take you to nursery soon.

Me. Still puzzled...

OP posts:
roseyposey · 12/03/2025 12:52

Which part of London? Which other languages do you hear in that part of London?

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 12:47

roseyposey · 12/03/2025 12:40

Glad you’re back @Skedaddledaway

Can you answer my questions? TIA

Show quote history

Yes really. English. In London. No idea.

OP posts:
roseyposey · 12/03/2025 12:40

roseyposey · 12/03/2025 07:55

Really? What’s your first language OP? Are you in the UK? If so where? How many languages does your HV speak?

Curious

Glad you’re back @Skedaddledaway

Can you answer my questions? TIA

Miaowzabella · 12/03/2025 12:39

Tell the HV to get on with weighing and measuring the child and you will make any decisions necessary about the child's early education. And maybe tell the HV not to bother coming round any more. Her involvement is not compulsory.

Original poster
Skedaddledaway · 12/03/2025 12:38

BlackStrayCat · 12/03/2025 12:16

But you do not speak fluent French,
4 years in France is not fluent or will ever be native/mother tongue. You speak good (rusty) French. I help DD with French homework (when the time came).I lived in and worked for, a French company for 10 years.

Stick to your mother tongue.

I think you misread my post. I didn't say I lived in France for 4 years. I said I haven't had to physically speak french for around four years. I took have spent 10 years fully immersed, living and working France. I last tested at C1 so not native level, but a pretty good grasp of the language.

OP posts:
sunstreaming · 12/03/2025 12:33

Personally I think that unless you are a bi or multi lingual family, you are best to stick to your Mother tongue for now. Although babies are very receptive to languages, I don't think you're doing your child a favour be trying to 'teach' them another language in your case. But if you live in an area where many people speak differently from you, it's a good idea, as your child gets older, to make them aware that this is nothing to be frightened of, explain what languages are etc. and maybe have a game of 'what this or that is called in the language your neighbours speak.' IF your HV had the intention of making you feel ashamed for not going the whole hog on multi-linguism, then she was at fault and you perhaps should ignore her. If she was just making a passing (and ill-informed)comment, whether you are 'ashamed' or not, is your choice.