Shamed by HV for not exposing DD to a second language

I found the one year mark quite difficult. It felt like we should be celebrating,.and we were - but in our case, with an extremely high needs poor sleeper, it was celebrating survival more than anything else!

Through the fog of extreme sleep deprivation I worried a lot about whether I was doing "the right things" for my baby, especially as I was a SAHP (although my husband is a very hands on parent when he's at home, he works very long hours and does on calls at weekends and so on so I felt like a lot of it was on me if that makes sense).

I also had a heath visitor with, shall we say, poor communication skills who said some things that came across as very judgemental and negative. With my second baby I can't even remember seeing a HV 😂 We did the one year check via video call I think??

Try to keep a sense of proportion. No child is let down by not being taught a second language. One of my friends was incredibly judgy that we hadn't started swimming lessons. Surprise surprise by the time we, in our laissez-faire attitude, got around to it (when our son asked for lessons!) he took to it right away. My friend's child still can't swim and it's two years later now. She's pushed it so hard he's terrified of the water poor mite.

No family can do everything with their children. Some families are musical. Some cook a lot. Some are outdoorsy. Some have lots of pets. Some are very creative. No one needs to (or can) do all of the things. Pick the ones you like and are good at and go with those. If you WANT to speak French with her then do, but if you'd rather spend your time and energy on other stuff then do that :-)

The OP didn't think it was worth bothering with other languages until the health visitor told her to...

No it's not insane. All of this sounds completely brilliant for introducing a second language to a child at a young age which will help her throughout her life, even if she later chooses to learn different languages. But yeah, be a typical Brit who doesn't see the point of any 'foreign nonsense'. In most other countries children routinely learn second (and third) languages from a very young age because it's proven to a) be the best time to learn b) have loads of other benefits. It's only the arrogance of English speaking nations who don't think it's worth bothering with other languages.

I did, in more of a feedback way that their behaviour was really unhelpful than a formal complaint. The manager was lovely, and asked me to come to one of their meetings as 'feedback from the parents perspective around how we can best support mums with PND. I saw the offending midwife squirming in her seat and trying not to make eye contact with me.
I agree, there are a small number of amazing ones, and many ones who look bored and like they don't want to be there.

My husband is French but he isn’t around a lot of the time my children are awake in the week. My level of French is basic (A2) and I sing with them in French and play French songs. If they speak to me in French I will respond- my three year old doesn’t ask anything so sophisticated I don’t understand… yet. I say go for it. I’m actually learning French by reading to my girls. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to try and incorporate another language. We also only have screen time in French- never English, it makes the Disney movies a bit disappointing to be honest though 🤣

I think this might actually win the prize for the most batshit piece of advice given to a mumsnetter by a health visitor.

My now DD28 who works in a professional job and earns loads never ever did any 2nd languages at GCSE

My thoughts were:

• Turning her doll into a francophone so when ever we play with it use french.
• incorporating some simple everyday phrases into our daily routine
• reading books in french in the morning during breakfast
• listening to some nursery rhymes in french

None of this sounds remotely reasonable; it sounds insane. Just speak to your daughter in English.

OP there are a lot of people on here saying that you can't/ shouldn't teach a child your non - native language so I wanted to reassure you that you can absolutely raise a bilingual child with your second language. My second language is Spanish and my child (3.5) is fluent in both English and Spanish. This is how we have done it:

• Some of our toys only speak and understand Spanish (your doll idea is spot on)

• We have certain places/ times where we only speak Spanish (for us in the car...). Just lead by example and they will follow without even thinking. This will also help you feel more natural in speaking again - and remember it totally doesn't matter if you make some mistakes. With enough language input she'll filter out what's right and what's wrong. People make grammar mistakes all the time when speaking their native language... The fact you use your French every day means it's far better than 'rusty'.

• To help my kid feel confident in both languages, I tend to reply in whichever language she has started the conversation in - we frequently switch back and forth.

• We are lucky enough to live close to a Spanish speaking nursery where she gets input from native speakers all the time. We are also fortunate enough to be in the catchment area for a bilingual state school. I appreciate this is rare but if you live in a city then it's likely there will be opportunities to link with other people/ kids speaking your target language.

• Reading stories (both Spanish and English) and most screen time is in Spanish

• My partner doesn't speak Spanish so our family time is mainly in English. In scenarios where we are with English speaking friends, my daughter will switch to Spanish if she feels uncertain of something and she wants to communicate something to me without telling everybody (it's been especially useful when potty training!). It's our 'secret' language and it gives us a very special bond.

• Be prepared for the criticism! Especially from people with monolingual backgrounds. Personally, I received a lot of comments from the older members of my family. Especially when my child was unaware of which language she was speaking and would mix them. 'Doesn't she know how to speak proper English?' etc... Pull through it! Now my child very rarely mixes words and the people who previously criticised me think she's amazing and has acquired a brilliant skill.

Good luck!!

I think that by not trusting the parents, by monitoring and prescribing every little thing all we will achieve is a nanny state where everybody lacks common sense because it's been monitored and regulated out of them.

is French a family language? If so then the native speaker should speak it to your child.

I know. It's difficult to get the balance right. Personally I would have preferred less monitoring.

How far would you go though?

Monitoring and surveillance of how many parents because of risks to a child? It's a slippery slope all the way to Stasi.

Damn you feel some guilt? We are a trilingual household, I did very good for the first one, she is almost completely trilingual, DS? Every time he use a fancy English word I am very proud😂😂, French teacher told him his pronunciation was crappy, I am still laughing about it, 2 months to GCSE and I am desperately trying to fix that, he doesn't like that AT ALL, as for the third language DH completely gave up.

oh I’d be interested in how this conversation actually played out. Involving this HV saying what you claim she supposedly said in response to you supposedly saying “I know some French”….

This is bizarre. OP, did you tell the HV that you spoke fluent french. Was she under the impression that it was your mother tongue and that you were of french heritage? It would be extremely unusual for anyone to advise, let alone shame, a parent into raising a bilingual child if the parent wasn't a native speaker or part of that heritage. I mean, lots of people speak another language to some degree but it would be rare to bring a child up speaking it if it wasn't part of their heritage or their family's mother tongue or if they didn't live in that country. It really isn't a thing.

Tell your HV to piss off.

In French.

I think it's true that there is a lot more 'surveillance' than there ever used to be. I was quite taken aback by it and overall found the degree of monitoring more stressful than helpful. On the other hand, if one child living in difficult conditions can be discovered and helped, maybe it's a necessary thing?

OK but that's not how you phrased this question at all.

Your post gave the impression that a HV had made you feel inadequate and guilty and now you felt forced into trying to make your child bilingual and the response, rightly, was that it's none of the HV's business.

This comment gives the impression that you want to introduce French to your child and are asking for advice on that.

It's not surprising that you got the response you did when you asked the first question and not the second.

OP never suggested not using English at all. And even if she did it would still not do any harm. Kids who start nursery or Reception with no English pick it up at lightning speed, you'd be surprised. My daughter has a friend who knew only the word 'toilet' when she started Reception. Now you would have no idea from speaking to her that English wasn't her first language.