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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that parents should send a quick individual thank you after kids birthday parties?

288 replies

comoatoupeira · 11/03/2025 21:51

Hello
Sorry if this has been done to death, but does anyone else think that the childrens' birthday party and gift giving culture is completely bizarre in the UK?
What I mean is the way that people bring sometimes very large/expensive gifts, or really very thoughtful and nice gifts, like a book that has been chosen especially for the child, and yet nobody seems to expect an acknowledgment beyond 'thanks for all the lovely presents!' on the school WhatsApp group.
I know that everyone is really busy, and I know that this would always fall to the mum not the dad and we don't need any more small admin jobs related to our children, thank you, but it still feels wrong.

What feels wrong? It feels somehow grabby, or as though the effort gone into choosing the gift is just taken for granted (and the money).

I accept it's probably just something people have decided so as not to create too much work for themselves. But it bothers me. What do you think?

This is the kind of message I think would be good to receive: 'Hi! Just to say thanks so much for the gel pens, little Timmy loves them. See you on Monday'. The purpose being simply to acknowledge that a gift has been chosen and bought, nothing more!

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 12/03/2025 12:37

autisticbookworm · 12/03/2025 06:30

I don't text or write a card every time someone makes me a cup of tea telling them how delicious it was. I say thank you the same as myself or my son does if someone hands us a present. A verbal thank you is more than sufficient.

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Gosh, I thought everyone handed out handwritten notes to the person who gave them a cup of tea 🙄🙄🙄. Of course, that was exactly what I meant.
Did you notice where I wrote “Slight derail, I know…”
Did you read the last sentence of my post?

tachetastic · 12/03/2025 12:22

comoatoupeira · 11/03/2025 22:29

I think people throwing kids' parties overestimate how grateful other parents feel to have attended. You're attending to honour the invitation and for your kid not to be left out, not to have a fantastic time. They are usually quite exhausting. So yes, I don't think the fact that the host has spent time and money on throwing the party that you've gone to cancels out them acknowledging your gift (of course, you thank the hosts afterwards, but most people still do that anyway).

Your child's gift surely, not yours. The party, the gifts and the thank you notes should all be between the children. The parents are just there to support them.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 12/03/2025 10:24

Ionut · 12/03/2025 10:13

Presumably you hand write all thank you notes too?

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I do actually. I have a stack of little nite cards. Sadly I don’t get as many gifts as the kids nowadays so don’t have to do as many 🤣

BeHere · 12/03/2025 10:16

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 12/03/2025 09:31

I'd hazard that most school party gifts are:

  • Generic stationary items that go "Minecraft/Spiderman/Batman for boys, Disney Princess/unicorns/Squishmallow for girls"
  • Book that is the right age
  • Whatever Haribo type sweets were on offer in Asda
  • Generic toy that was on offer in Home Bargains

Very little thought, wrapped up quickly in 5 minutes and considered a chore required to attend the party. Not the big, thoughtful, grand gesture some think it is.

Expecting a personal thank you comes across as needing validation and expecting effusive thanks for you being brilliant. Aka it's all about you getting an ego boost not about the politeness of the thank you

This.

Ionut · 12/03/2025 10:13

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 12/03/2025 10:03

Totally agree with this.
I still make mine write thank you letters and there is NO WAY they can use my phone to do it. Pen and paper only.

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Presumably you hand write all thank you notes too?

Jijithecat · 12/03/2025 10:10

I don't understand the 'I send a text', 'I send a note'.
It's a child's party, not my party. How would it be instilling good manners for me to do this on my child's behalf?
Back in the days when my children did write thank you notes for gifts from classmates, they did it themselves. It took an eternity and became stressful. I wasn't going to do it for them, I wasn't the one receiving the gift afterall.

When people started sending group WhatsApp thank you messages after parties, I followed suit. It's one less thing to worry about.

At a party my children greet their guests and thank them for their gifts. At the end they thank their guests for coming. I will then update the party WhatsApp group saying thank you for coming and for gifts and add some photos of the party. Job done in my opinion.

skyeisthelimit · 12/03/2025 10:08

YABU. DD had 3 whole class parties, in years R,1 and 2. Fot 2 of those I was a single parent and had to rope friends/family in to help me out. When we did the cake and sang happy birthday, we would also say thank you for coming and thank you for the presents.

Each child that came had entertainment, food and a party bag. They said thanks on the way out. Should they all write a letter to say thank you for the lovely party?

There is no need for 30 kids to write a thank you letter, or 1 kid to write 30 thank you letters.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 12/03/2025 10:03

bridgetreilly · 11/03/2025 21:57

Nope. Children should write their own thank you notes.

Totally agree with this.
I still make mine write thank you letters and there is NO WAY they can use my phone to do it. Pen and paper only.

cadburyegg · 12/03/2025 09:58

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 12/03/2025 09:31

I'd hazard that most school party gifts are:

  • Generic stationary items that go "Minecraft/Spiderman/Batman for boys, Disney Princess/unicorns/Squishmallow for girls"
  • Book that is the right age
  • Whatever Haribo type sweets were on offer in Asda
  • Generic toy that was on offer in Home Bargains

Very little thought, wrapped up quickly in 5 minutes and considered a chore required to attend the party. Not the big, thoughtful, grand gesture some think it is.

Expecting a personal thank you comes across as needing validation and expecting effusive thanks for you being brilliant. Aka it's all about you getting an ego boost not about the politeness of the thank you

I agree with this. I don't consider it a chore to take my kids to parties but I often buy gifts in bulk/when they are on offer and I pick the most appropriate one when a party comes up. Even with cards I usually bulk buy them in multipacks from Amazon. These are tips I got from MN btw 😂 I might spend more time picking a gift for a close friend.

thecherryfox · 12/03/2025 09:48

we have a class group chat at my sons school, if my son was to have a party, I would put a message on the group chat saying thank you to all who came and for my sons gifts and how much a it’s appreciated.

i don’t think it’s fair at all to expect someone to send 30+ messages to individuals thanking for every gift. Its giving the mentality of that you give for something in return. Do something nice without expecting anything back

Asthenia · 12/03/2025 09:43

I personally send individual thank you messages to everyone (make a list of who gifts are from while DD is opening presents) but I wouldn’t be offended if I didn’t receive one.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 12/03/2025 09:31

I'd hazard that most school party gifts are:

  • Generic stationary items that go "Minecraft/Spiderman/Batman for boys, Disney Princess/unicorns/Squishmallow for girls"
  • Book that is the right age
  • Whatever Haribo type sweets were on offer in Asda
  • Generic toy that was on offer in Home Bargains

Very little thought, wrapped up quickly in 5 minutes and considered a chore required to attend the party. Not the big, thoughtful, grand gesture some think it is.

Expecting a personal thank you comes across as needing validation and expecting effusive thanks for you being brilliant. Aka it's all about you getting an ego boost not about the politeness of the thank you

wishIwasonholiday10 · 12/03/2025 08:41

comoatoupeira · 11/03/2025 22:26

Well, my parents or my husband's parents, sometimes both. My brother. If we're lucky, one godparent. Is that weird? I don't think so.

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Lots of people don’t have any family help while hosting a party and even the 2nd parent might be responsible for younger children as well as keeping an eye on the party kids.

brunettemic · 12/03/2025 08:35

napody · 11/03/2025 22:07

The irony of someone coming onto a thread about politeness to write this.

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Happy to help.

BeHere · 12/03/2025 08:34

Fuck no. I have no interest in receiving individualised thank you messages from everyone who's hosted a party my kid went to. Meaningless.

napody · 12/03/2025 08:31

AhaHa · 11/03/2025 23:13

I’m going to be that pedant who points out that cell phones / text messages were not commonplace when we were raised - so texting a thank people is hardly some age old tradition.

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'Underlying values' and 'specific actions demonstrating that same value' are different.

Original poster
comoatoupeira · 12/03/2025 08:08

CatBank · 12/03/2025 03:27

But they aren't hosting through kindness. They are hosting because that is what you do here. All of the children are invited. They are being kind to their own child, by making sure they have the same experience as their peers.

By the same token, OP: the guest's parent didn't get the birthday child a gift through kindness. They gave one because that is what you do here. All of the children bring a gift. They are being kind to their own child, by making sure they have the same experience as their peers.

True

OP posts:
Ireolu · 12/03/2025 08:02

After spending all the money and time I have spent on the party I am not composing texts to individual parents saying thank you. I ensure DC says thank you to a child and their parents when we attend anything and always follow up with a they had a great time message and thank you for the invite.

Littlemisscapable · 12/03/2025 08:01

Girasoli · 12/03/2025 07:17

It's a nice idea in theory, but practically I've never managed it with school- friend parties. All the presents get piled up in a corner table, and not everyone sticks the card to the present with cellotape or it falls off in transit back home. So I never know who has sent what.

This..I send a generic what's app if there is a group and then text each parent "thanks so much for coming and for lovely gift, it was lovely to see Mollie today" or something similar so its personal but not specific about the gift...as I have a real fear of mixing up the gifts. I also give money mostly and some sweets in a gift bag so it looks like something, kids have so much stuff now.

ElsaSnow · 12/03/2025 08:00

Yes I agree op. We wait until everyone has gone and everything has been cleared up then we open each present/card one by one and I make sure I see who it is from and I then send the individual thank you texts as I feel this polite and acknowledges the effort they went to to purchase and wrap the gift etc. One child gave my dd something she absolutely loved so my dd sent a little one min video thanking the child and mum herself off my phone - took no time or trouble at all and dd was only 6 at the time.

I have had a couple of similar personal thank you texts off DD's close friends but also like you mostly just the generic class WhatsApp ones - I guess they are usually not my DD's close friends though.

Suzuki76 · 12/03/2025 07:55

I didn't have most of the parents' numbers. They RSVPed in person.

Natsku · 12/03/2025 07:53

I'm not doing that, enough hassle dealing with texts when people respond to invitations - never know what to say back. My children say thank you when they are given the gifts, say thank you for coming when guests leave and I encourage them to say thank you again when they see them in school.

ThreeMagicNumber · 12/03/2025 07:31

A thank you on the WhatsApp would be enough for me personally. We were never a party family though, we just took the kids on a day out or weekend away so can't say what I'd do.

Moonnstars · 12/03/2025 07:28

I generally do send a thank you message to parents and always do a thank you note to relatives we don't see. I don't think it's the norm though and from the parties we have gone to most parents just post a generic message on social media saying thank you to everyone who came to X's party and for all the lovely gifts.

I think you do need to know what you are thanking people for though - I had someone message me once saying thanks for the sweets. We had gifted something else which I did then mention, so guess it was handy to clarify.

In some ways I do feel it should also be the other way round (but can see why this is seen as transactional) as kids parties aren't cheap these days. They usually involve some form of entertainment for a couple of hours and then food. This definitely outweighs the cost per head of what gifts most children (around here anyway) offer (before everyone comes at me I know this is not the point, everyone's financial situation is different etc).

Readmorebooks40 · 12/03/2025 07:20

I don't think it's 'grabby'. My daughter's birthday is costing £30 a head (I know our choice to pay it). 🙈 She's too old for a bouncy castle/soft play as she's turning 9 so it's a big inflatable park thing. We've to buy party bags on top of that. Gifts here are usually around £10/£15. I would rather parents gave a fiver as she always gets a lot of toys she doesn't want. That sounds really ungrateful but all that plastic is so bad for the environment. We do send some to the charity shop. I think a thanks to the person when they hand you a gift and a general thank you afterwards is fine. Usually in all the madness, the gifts get mixed up and smaller bags put into bigger bags etc that it's hard to know who got what.