To say DH can’t get a dog

@DillyDallyDella Wouldn't you, your only child and your cats be better off and happier without him? He pays maintenance for his other 3 children but isn't paying anything for yours.

A dog is a huge responsibility both time wise and financially. Its not fair to the humans or the dog if this is not a 100 % united family agreement. You know YOU will be chief dog walker as dh has already explained. Thats 2 hours a day come rsin ir shine.
Don't do it for the Dog's sake and I am atotal dog lover myself... if he wants dog company he can volunteer to dog walk at a dog charity like the Cinnamon Trust

Have you asked why he wants a dog? Because in a household like yours sounds to be, 'just because' isn't a good enough answer. I've got a dog. I've always had dogs. But getting a dog is like having another baby, timewise and moneywise. They don't come ready trained and obedient (god knows, my ten year old Patterdale STILL isn't trained or obedient) so someone has to put the work in and you all sound too stretched to really have the time. And a dog that doesn't have the time put in is a bloody nuisance. So would he expect YOU to do the training?

Nope. Tell him he can wait a few years.

Yanbu.
I refused to have a dog for literally 20 years.
I had too much on my plate to take on anything else. We both worked out of the home.
Finally got a dog in January 2021. 2 of the kids had left home, 3rd child was 12 and DH permanently working from home.
Only then did I agree.
Hold firm

Absolutely agree with this. Owning a dog is seriously expensive. If you are using a daily dog walker or doggy daycare, you are looking at probably £200 + a month. Daycare here is £25 a day, £15 for a half day. Plus food, vaccinations, fleas and worms treatments and insurance.

@rookiemere Oh, I am very very very clear. And one thing that DH has ALWAYS done is the poos in the garden and he HATES it. So I add that to my list of reasons we're not getting another dog!

To be fair, DH doesn't really wnt another dog, but he wants the kids to be happy and they will claim they want another dog so he's more likely to want to give in. But tough. They also wanted a brother or sister and I refused that too (DH was fully on board with no more children too!)

A friend got a dog against her husband's wishes. And to be fair, she absolutely takes on 90% of the care etc, but I think it has caused additional tension in their relationship and while mostly I'm on her side with a few issues they have, I do find myself thinking sometimes, "you really really should not have got that dog because it's made everything worse."

I grew up with dogs and I like dogs. A few years ago one of my friends asked me why don't you get a dog? At the moment I am not at home every day and I like being able to go away when I feel like it. I told my friend this and I don't think it fair to leave a dog alone for long periods of the day. I know a couple who got a dog about 3 years ago, the kids were older and they had time to spend with the dog as a puppy. The dog has expensive dog food, spends a day a week in doggy daycare and spends time in kennels when the family go away. None of this is cheap but both owners wanted a dog.

In your situation I would tell your husband that he can't have a dog because he can't afford it and along with this your not going to mind the dog. I would tell him as well that your no longer going to give him your money to support his kid's when meanwhile he is spending his money smoking.

You are already working from home some days, have a baby and step children and are carrying the mental load and subbing your husband's children. Giving him money for his children needs to stop now as they are his responsibility not yours. He needs to be putting money aside for his kids for when they get older as well.
If you worked out how much money your giving him each month you probably get a shock. You need to consider your and your own child's life. Put some of that money into a pension and it may help you leave work before pension age or have some money aside for emergencies is beneficial.

I grew up with dogs and I like dogs. A few years ago one of my friends asked me why don't you get a dog? At the moment I am not at home every day and I like being able to go away when I feel like it. I told my friend this and I don't think it fair to leave a dog alone for long periods of the day. I know a couple who got a dog about 3 years ago, the kids were older and they had time to spend with the dog as a puppy. The dog has expensive dog food, spends a day a week in doggy daycare and spends time in kennels when the family go away. None of this is cheap but both owners wanted a dog.

In your situation I would tell your husband that he can't have a dog because he can't afford it and along with this your not going to mind the dog. I would tell him as well that your no longer going to give him your money to support his kid's when meanwhile he is spending his money smoking.

You are already working from home some days, have a baby and step children and are carrying the mental load and subbing your husband's children. Giving him money for his children needs to stop now as they are his responsibility not yours. He needs to be putting money aside for his kids for when they get older as well.
If you worked out how much money your giving him each month you probably get a shock. You need to consider your and your own child's life. Put some of that money into a pension and it may help you leave work before pension age or have some money aside for emergencies is beneficial.

@Sunat45degrees you need to be very clear about not getting another dog, or if the rest of the family chooses to, that you will not be caring for it.
Now I'm menopausal I am getting much better at dropping the rope. I have organised a lovely dog sitter through borrowmydoggy for the first week of our holiday and tasked DH with doing the second week. He kept trying to bring me into the loop - do I want to be in the whatsapp group with the paid dog sitter he has found ? Nope - gosh she is expensive should I find someone else - Do what you think is right dear ( which would of course be yes find someone cheaper but in the past it's been me jumping in with the new ideas) so we're left with the eye wateringly expensive sitter.
I have just dis attached, I genuinely no longer care , if no sitter is arranged I will go on holiday by myself. Same for holidays involving his extended family, I have left him to sort it out. It's the only way I can cope and it's not how I envisaged living my life.

I wouldnt do dogs again either, we inherited my parents dog (which they could no longer cope with) pre children and DH worked nights so it was pretty easy owning one small dog.

But after he died, we signed up for another dog (foxy) when DD was young. Again managable when DH worked shifts, but then DH died and I was up at 5am walking said dog and his vet costs increased. By that point he was quite elderly and also a lovely dog, and DD adored him so I didnt have the heart to rehome him after everything we had been through but it was a financial and logistical struggle.

He also got hit by car once which cost us a small fortune, and this was 20 years ago...

Nobody else in my ear ‘convincing’ me to get one and promising to do half of the walks etc and then going back on their word!

I think this is the thing. Often the people agitating for the dog, are also the people who won't be taking responsibilty for the dog. I have always had cats, the responsibility is, obviously, significantly less, but I've never resented it becuase I was the one who wanted the cat and therefore I was the one who stepped up to do the work. Even with this dog - I agreed to get her so I don't resent it as much, but now, 10 years down the line, I am TIRED of the work and I don't want to do it anymore after she goes and I am not going to do it. Just like I was never that woman who with two children in their tweens/teens, suddenly thought "Ooh, I'd like another baby". I'd done the work, I was happy to do the work, but then I was done with the work and I was not even going to consider doing it again.

I'm reminded of someone at work workaholic probably having an affair with someone in our team whose DW said he could get a dog if he reliably put the bins out every week for 6 months. Naturally he couldn't even manage that and I doubt your sad sack of a DP could either.

We both grew up with dogs, and have had at least one dog for the last 20+ years.

BUT we both wanted a dog. DH likes walking them (he's out with them now). I like training them. Sometimes clearing up after them, especially when they're puppies, is bloody wearing.

Also, we don't have to pay for a walker or daycare as one of us has always either WFH or worked short hours locally. Boarding fees are astronomical once you tot them up for a week in kennels. If you're out for the day you have to work out who can come in and let the dog out, and maybe give it a short walk and some company.

Dogs are a serious longterm commitment. If you have limited flex in your household budget, a dog could easily cause big financial issues. They also burn through time - ours get through about 2 hours a day on average once you factor in exercise, feeding, cleaning bowls, washing dog bedding, trips to the vet, etc. Have you got 14 spare hours in your week?

Your need to make it crystal clear that in terms of both time and money, you can't afford a dog for several more years.

I have a dog monthly costs are-

Food £55
Treats approx £30
Insurance £15
Flea/worm £10

Then kennels is £20 a night every time we go away. Vets is £30 a consultation plus treatment.

DDog gets 2x 45 min walks a day plus we don't leave him for more than five hours

Suggest he tries borrowmydoggy.com for a bit. It’ll give him something to do with his kids that’s lovely and free. It’ll help with a bit of exercise for all.

I should imagine the shine will wear off of that on a cold wet morning though.

So much better than you being the only one who looks after and pays for the dog, which will absolutely happen.

Thank you for saying that, it means a lot!

In reading this thread, I do wonder how much of the issue with owning a dog is the resentment towards other family members for not pitching in, rather than actually doing the work if that makes sense?

I am in the only adult in my house - have a primary aged DS who lives with me half of the time so I will already be prepared for the fact that it’ll all be on me. Which seems like a lot, however there will be nobody to resent for it! Nobody else in my ear ‘convincing’ me to get one and promising to do half of the walks etc and then going back on their word!

1. He's already drained by his child support but can't afford to buy the children other things - so he sponges off you.

2)He can't afford to buy the things you end up paying for - yet he can afford to smoke. How much family money does he spend a month on smoking?

[Smoking is an addiction. It's yet another addict putting their drug above everything else.]

3)Have you read up on how much it's going to cost you to have a dog [not him, YOU, because see 1) and 2) ]?

4. He wants to get a dog that HE won't be looking after or spending time with. You'll end up doing that. On top of your job and managing his kids. And are you expected to do laundry, food prep etc while you WFH?

All his behaviour is that of an adolescent boy, no impulse control, no sense of consequences, just I want NOW. Does this come out in any other aspect of his life?

What a selfish, demanding, irresponsible manchild you have there.

First post nails it!

He can’t get a dog if he’s only home two days a week.

He can't afford the dependants he already has and uses you to subsidise children that aren't yours and his smoking habit.
You need to point this out to him and perhaps stop giving him money when he's puffed it all away early in the month.

It sounds like you can't afford it financially and also your two cats might not get on with a dog so I would say no.

We have a dog. She is lovely. She's also old. And DH and the DC really think we're getting another dog when she dies.

I honestly would get divorced and move out before I will get another dog.

Our dog costs us about £250-300 a month (admittedly, especially high due to health issues).
DH does now do a lot more of the walking, but for the vast bulk of her time with us, I have done 80% of the walking.
She's old, so the walking is fairly low effort. When she was younger or if we got a new dog, it was a lot more time and effort and could not be missed.
We have a cat. So we'd most likely have to get a puppy so that the dog could be brought up with the cat. That means more training, more effort. All of which, let's be honest, will be on me.
NO one else ever thinks about the logistics of being out of the house for hours. No one else considers the logistics of holidays. That's all on me.
No one else thinks about the food, medicine, vets appointments. Again, all on me.
While Dh will do general clean up as needed, can you guess who, if the dog did something crazy in the middle of the night always had to deal with it? Yup, you got it, that was me. I once had to mop the entire house at 2 in the morning because she'd gone out, somehow stepped in poo and tracked it through the house.

I am not getting another dog. and the children and dh can whine and complain all they like.

You have made it clear to him that you don't want a dog anymore and asked him to bring his dog to work every day.

Another one who regrets giving in and our life is a lot less busy than yours with one now grown DC.

This should be our time for spontaneous mini breaks and adventures instead every decision has to factor in (admittedly lovely)ddog with often high additional costs.I have also ramped up my career in late middle age, but annoyingly have to run my office days past DH as we only have a dog walker twice a week and I am damned if I am organising that as well as everything else.

DH realised pretty soon after getting ddog that he had made a mistake, but I told him that he is ours for life and to be fair to him he is an attentive owner, but if I gave an inch and started being main feeder and walker, he would take a bloody mile.

Your DH has 4 DCs isn't that enough for him? And he expects you to look after this imaginary dog 3 full days a week and possibly the weekend when he realises that a dog is incompatible with growing DCs social lives.

Tell you you will be open to discussing it is he gives up smoking to save the money and your babies lungs