AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

I think this wedding is sounding great for the bride but their expectations of guests paying vast amounts for the privilege of seeing them wed is unfair.

Over a weeks annual leave, costly, remote need to sort out hire car, accommodation, pay for events during the week. Crikes.

I'd be saying big apologies but I can't do this.

I don’t understand why she asked you to be her MOH when you don’t really seem to be such good friends, at least not any more??

I’d just say it’s too expensive and anyway you’ll be celebrating your big birthday with family and friends so can’t make that date.

Nothing you have posted is a positive to you just decline now and she can get somebody else to be her bridesmaid, I don't know what you expect from your thread do you want people to say she's a terrible selfish person or something?

Don't be room meat.

This wedding isn't your celebration and you don't have to go, you've already mentioned several reasons why it's not really working for you.

Topped off by the fact she didn't make plans to see you when visiting your country.

Bow out now and enjoy your birthday 🎈

Oh ffs. OP is being a mug is she goes. Her friend is not a real friend.

Why on earth would you go to this wedding OP? She was supposed to visit you, then cancelled and finally went to the UK anyway but not to see you. She has probably treated her friends like shit so she needs you as her bridesmaid but she doesn't give a shit if you sleep in a tent. Spend thousands of euros on someone who doesn't really care about you, now why would you do that OP? Tell her your financial situation is making it impossible to be there but that you wish her the best.

Would hiring a camper van be an option?

I don't really see how she has been thoughtless.

She's getting married in her country where presumably all her family and virtually all her friends live.

It'll cost you money to attend a wedding in another country, that's just the way it is. I'd be very surprised if she'd chosen the date deliberately to have expensive flights and accommodation - certainly when I was looking at venues it was very much here are the dates we have left pick one.

Expecting her to invite you to stay with her for the wedding is insane.

It sounds like you can't really afford it.

Does she earn a lot more money than you/come from a wealthy background?

Also, in some other cultures weddings do last that long. My DS was invited to a friend's wedding in Dubai which was a whole week of events.

Just decline the invitation saying the travel and logistics are going to be too difficult to manage and leave it at that. It’s really not worthy of this level of emotional investment or feeling it as a personal slight. You can’t please every guest, particularly not when you and your family live and are having your wedding in a different country to where some of them live.

It really doesn’t sound as though you’re the closest friends, and with the distance involved it’s probably best to concentrate on friendships where you actually live and just be pleased to see this friend every now and again when it’s convenient for you both.

But she has asked her to be MoH usually you tell people about the arrangements and check they are ok with them before you invite them to be MoH.
I's very unfair to ask someone to do that and then afterwards explain that actually the wedding is going to last a week in a remote place and will take place at the most expensive time of the year so it will cost you thousands of pounds to attend!
I think it sounds like a very one sided friendship with all the running being done by OP

Do you have thousands of pounds to spunk away on this OP?

Look, she doesn't even give a toss where you sleep. Tell her that it's way out of your budget and you don't really want to sleep on the ground in a.tent so you'll have to bow out of her week. But you would be thrilled to see her next time she's over for a celebration.

I would send a pleasant, polite message saying that in view of your big birthday and the difficulties of accommodation, travel ext you have had to reconsider and regrettably will not be able to attend the wedding. Say that you are sorry to be changing your mind but unfortunately you first accepted without properly considering the travel aspects and expense. I would stress extra expenses you've had recently my earning you have had to regrettably change your plans. You could choose to just say about the expense and difficulties of travel if you think that is better. You could say that unknown to you your friends/family have booked a birthday few days away as a birthday surprise and you have just found out.
There isn't really any need for you to feel guilty about cancelling. She doesn't seem to have given you much thought when she was over here and the travel and accommodation issues seem a very expensive nightmare. You are probably feeling a bit bad about cancelling because you initially accepted being MOH but it is very easy to get carried away when first told of an invitation that you would love in theory but in reality is hardly feasible.
You've given lots of reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea for you. I wouldn't consider such a journey and massive expense without even a plus one. Who will you know? What will you do with yourself when she is busy with all her other guests? And all while you could be celebrating a big birthday yourself at home.
If you really, in retrospect, don't want to go don't put yourself through it. Be polite but firm. Have unarguable reasons at the ready. No one can argue with you saying that, after careful consideration you don't have the money for such a trip. No one can argue with you not letting your own friends at home down when they (hypothetically) have booked and paid for the same time away with you. How gould you know that in advance 😁🤔

Was talking to a young girl only yesterday, about the expectation people now have when gets married.. it's got all too much .. and what you have wrote I wouldn't be going .. do you think she has made you MOH so you couldn't say no? I'd be making an excuse ..but your friendship would no doubt end .. and giving that when she was in country she didn't even bother to see you .. is it really a loss

In what way is she one of your closest friends?

Are you really sure you are hers?

If she’s that good a friend she’ll understand it’s all too much for you. If she doesn’t understand then she’s not a good friend. It’s ok for her to be disappointed. It’s daft to spend 1000s on someone else’s day

She doesn't sound like a good friend. You are convenient when you go to her. Honestly I think you need to decline. It's too expensive and inconvenient and no consideration of you whatsoever. Perhaps you could overlook one of these things but not all three.

I've said YABU. She is entitled to have the wedding she wants. Whether you go or not is up to you, but she shouldn't be watering down or altering her plans to appease you.

To be honest I wouldn't go, even if I could afford it there are other things I would rather spend thousands of pounds on. Will you know anyone else at the wedding? Does she know how difficult it will be for you and how much you will have to give up?
I think you are being very good still attending and I don't blame you at all for being quietly annoyed and upset about how thoughtless your friend is, although from what you have said it does sound like unusual behaviour from her.

If I have this right you are still friends because you have travelled to her country to see her, since she failed to meet with you when she was here?

I would say delighted as you are that she is getting married you will now need to decline as MOH / coming as the peak season and other arrangements take it beyond your budget. All with full ‘it sounds truly amazing your friends and family will love it’ so that it doesn’t feel like passive aggressive pressure to pay for you fare or something. Maybe also say ‘tricky as friends / family are also making arrangements for my birthday, always tricky juggling dates’.

Don’t think twice about this. She has not put as much into keeping this friendship as you have, I’m sure she’d love you to be there but once again the cost and time is all on you.

Can you ask her if there are other friends looking for nearby airbnbs that you could perhaps share with? Surely all of the guests are in the same position as you regarding accommodation. Also, is there someone you could hire a car with or get lifts with? Presumably not every guest needs separate transport?

Yanbu.

Best friends would definitely mention a big birthday before booking. Again, like you say, not to mean they can’t book it but to acknowledge it may mean you can’t be there which she’d surely want if you’re best friends.

No suitable accommodation and no offer to share with her family? Does she really think you’re going to camp on your own in some random place abroad? I know zero women who would do that.

It sounds like your friendship maybe a bit one sided. Why hasn’t she visited you recently and why have you made 4-5 visits to her?

I would push on the accommodation. Ask her if she has anyone you can stay with as camping isn’t an option.

You can't expect her to time her wedding in her country around flight prices or one of her guest's birthdays. Whenever she planned it would fall on someone's birthday, I imagine.

YANBU to think a week is too much of a commitment and to decline being MOH on that basis. Indeed the overall cost is a good enough reason to decline, and likely won't come as a surprise to her. I also wouldn't dream of camping, but a lot of weirdos people do like camping and do consider it an acceptable option, even for weddings.

She's not been unreasonable in any way but you wouldn't be unreasonable to decline. Sometimes plans just don't mesh and that's OK, it doesn't mean your friendship is any less.

Don't go.
You might think she is your best friend but she is not your best friend.

It’s really heartbreaking when you realise you’re not as close as you thought you were. She is your best friend but you are not hers. Once you accept that and come to terms with it you’ll find it much easier to let her actions not affect you as much. I would decline her wedding invite and maid of honour.
She can’t even be bothered to visit you in your home country when she’s actually in the country! She doesn’t value you or your friendship at all

I just wouldn’t go. Message her and say you’ve been adding up the costs with it being peak season and the travel and the camping, or needing an air bnb, car rental etc. and it’s all very overwhelming and expensive. This, coupled with the fact it’s your big birthday at the same time is leaning you towards not going. You would have loved to be there but there are just far too many factors, most of which are especially expensive at the time she has chosen.

Then you can see if she mentions that she realised it was your birthday. Anyone who cares would be understanding. It’s a lot to ask of anyone, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love her just because you can’t throw endless money to be at her wedding.

Just go for a day or two for the actual wedding, don’t do the week