AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

I don't really get what you're asking, sorry.

I wouldn't be going because its just a massive pain in the arse that isn't worth thousands of pounds or weeks of my time. It seems to be worth it for you.

Are you trying to rationalise your decision to be... what? Pissed off? Hurt? Sad?

Yeah, she's thoughtless but you dont seem to care ebough to draw a boundary so just let it go and have fun.

I said YABU because it's her wedding, in her country, and she's perfectly within her rights to do it her way and not build it around the wants and needs of a bridesmaid from the other side of the globe, who she has drifted away from in the last few years anyway.

I know the IDEA of going probably sounded like great fun, but now that you've actually added it all up, I think it's perfectly fine to say that actually you can't go.

A drifted/returned friend invited me to her wedding a few years ago, in a very very expensive location when we were a 12 hour journey away with expensive peak flights, and while I initially and joyfully accepted the invitation, I eventually had to decline when the several thousand pound price tag became apparent. Sadly, she hasn't spoken to me since though, which is something you need to accept if that's the outcome her.

But I still wouldn't go in your shoes!

Your friendship is one sided
It's all you making the effort
You have only seen her when you went to her country
She came to your country and didn't see you , despite the fact she had arranged to see you .
Go to the wedding spend how ever many thousands on it
But it won't make her put any more effort in the friendship
She has shown you who she is
Your flogging a dead horse expecting an effort on her part .
Do you really think she would spend all that money coming to your wedding

I normally try to avoid hiding behind excuses but just this once, I would either say you don't have the leave or someone is throwing a party/taking you away for you birthday.

With kindness, it seems you are going to be a MOH by title only if she hasn't included you in any planning etc, so I wouldn't assume you are going to be playing an integral part in the wedding to be honest.

I almost feel like you are going to spend all this money and end up disappointed if you go purely for this wedding, B&G will be very busy with their family and bride may not have much time to spend with you individually, so in your shoes, as you are committed to going, I would 100% turn it into a "birthday holiday" and go all out on that, move around different locations that you want to see, prioritise things you and your friend want to do while you are there and spend minimal time focusing on the wedding, you could have a fantastic time doing what you like, spend time with them as a wedding guest when you want to and when you are required, then have a birthday celebration with family at home when you get get back!

OP - you don't mention where the bride is staying?
I would expect there is on site accommodation at the wedding venue - usually MOH would stay there too as busy and needs to be on hand during the wedding.
If she and family are staying on site or nearby and you not included what does that tell you? She suggested a campsite for some a ting as MOH who is travelling from abroad and possibly on her own :(

It's very strange to be so uncaring/thoughtless about the welfare /convenience/ comfort of someone you have asked to be your maid of honour.

And those saying 'she may be your best friend, but you are not her's', I understand your thought process but why did she ask OP to be maid of honour? Surely her 'real' best friend would be 'WTF?'

I think the bride can plan her day however she wants. But honestly, if I was inviting my MOH from abroad, I would certainly have arranged their accommodation for them either with family or at the venue. I find that a bit weird getting the MOH to fend for themselves. Other guests maybe but not one of the wedding party. That does strike me as strange.

You understand that you're not nearly as close a friend of hers as she is of yours, right?

All of this.

I honestly don't remember the dates of my friends birthdays. You don't have to go if you don't want to.

The fact she cane to the UK and didn't visit doesn't mean she didn't value you friendship. I live abroad and visited the UK last month and didn't go and see my mum as I went for a she fic reason and I wasn't close enough to visit. That doesn't mean I didn't want to see her !

If you don't want to go to the wedding just say !

Personally I still wouldn't be going , your going to have to update us when your there OP .. I think your going to be disappointed If I'm honestly X

i have camped at a wedding before yes, it was great fun. with 3 people i met in the wedding carpool on the way there.

the wedding was in a big tent too

I generally assume good faith from my friends and their invites, because otherwise why would i keep them as friends. As with most things you can lean in and have fun/create it. or be miserable. its a big party for your loved one at the end of the day

Most definitely this!

Says everything I was thinking. 👍

I can see now why you want to go after reading your update. However be aware that weddings—nice or not—are often the death knell of relationships and friendships rather than the capstone. I had several friends at my wedding who I have never seen again. Not my choice but the reality of an international life that ended when I or they settled down. At the least your friend is selfish and thoughtless. Arranging for viable accommodations for your valued guests is absolutely standard. If you are an at risk minority all the more so.

I wouldn’t go. I would offer to make a fuss over her on her next visit to the UK.

As kindly as possible @Weddingadviceplease, I suggest that although you ARE friends, that the balance is weighted against you. Her not coming to see you in the UK is an example, as if her lack of consideration for how you're going to manage it all for her wedding.

I would, super kindly and nicely, just advise her that due to the cost, the peak season, and the logistics, that you just can't manage it. I'd be very apologetic, and tell her it breaks your heart not to be able to attend etc etc. And I'd send a lovely gift and card.

I eloped, but if I was planning a wedding, I wouldn’t be planning it around just one of my friends. It’s their day, they’ve planned it how they want, it’s not how you’d plan it but you can do it differently when it’s your turn. Sounds like it’s family orientated if most are only 1hr30 drive away.

I would just decline if you don’t want to go, better than being a resentful guest. I’m pretty bad with birthdays, I set up reminders a couple of weeks out, but it would not occur to me if a wedding date which is months out overlapped that.

You're not being entirely unreasonable, but you're also not entirely in the right. The reality is, your friend is planning her wedding the way she wants it, with her priorities in mind.

I'm reading it like she asked you out of excitement.
But she doesn't want you as MOH anymore, so she's putting all these obstacles so you'll say no.

I know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by

It's news to me that such rooms are made available at cost; every time I've been offered one "at this great price!!" it's been MORE than the usual rack rate and turned out that the venue's suggested they'll charge the B&G less if they guarantee to fill rooms (and then probably charged them the same anyway)

TBH the difficulties mean I probably wouldn't go, but of course it has to be your choice

If a friend didn’t bother to let me know she was in the country and see if we could meet up, I’d be reconsidering the strength of the friendship. If you were that unimportant then, how come you’re now MOH important? Is it possible you’ve been asked because you are the one most likely to spend the money necessary to be MOH?

I think what she is expecting you to do and spend is ridiculous. Not something that is likely to occur in my circle but if it did it would be politely declined.

Given your particular circumstances I would get back to her and say when you accepted the invitation you hadn’t realised that plans had been made for your birthday and you are very sorry but won’t be able to attend her wedding after all.

You see her 4 times a year and only if you travel to her. Why on earth would you spend that kind of money on her?

So you’re having to pay for your MOH dress too?

I just wouldn't go - I don't think she's been unreasonable exactly in planning the wedding she wants, but she should understand that means some people can't make it

I actually think you’re the one being unreasonable.

She can have whatever wedding date she wants - and it’s not unusual to pick peak season, hence why it’s peak season! She’s getting married (hopefully once) and a birthday is just a birthday.

I think all this “why hasn’t she considered me” is a bit pathetic. She’s organising her wedding, in her home country, at a popular time of year, and she has asked you to come and isn’t demanding anything of you. She has plenty of guests to think about other than you.

If the accommodation doesn’t suit you, or the price doesn’t suit you, or the fact that her big life event isn’t all about you doesn’t suit you, don’t go.