Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

212 replies

Weddingadviceplease · 11/03/2025 11:04

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

  • she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs
  • Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.
  • She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?
  • Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · 12/03/2025 22:13

You sound really lovely and that you want to do your best by your friend. But I think you’re going to a lot of trouble for someone who is not terribly thoughtful. With a good friend, you should be able to say I’m so sorry and I really want to be there but it’s just too expensive for me. I appreciate you have only given a snapshot of things but on the face of it, it looks like your friend makes limited effort, eg you said when she came to England she didn’t come to see you but the friendship continued with you making more trips to her. I don’t mean that she is a bad person but that she doesn’t see much beyond her own preferences.

BlondiePortz · 12/03/2025 22:11

I presume the groom has some input?

Say no of you don't want to go it doesn't have to be an epic decision

scotstars · 12/03/2025 22:08

You are not obligated to go - I wouldn't as you are going to end up resenting her when you spend 1000s attending and missing out on your own birthday celebrations. Are you really that good friends if she can't even remember it's your birthday andcan important 1? Also if she asks you to be maid of honour she should be paying for your dress. I would make a decision and let her know ASAP if you decide not to go

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/03/2025 21:54

I don't think the date or venue is some kind of reflection on you specifically. However I don't think your friendship is all that if she doesn't want you to stay with her beforehand, she didn't come and visit you when she was in the uk, and you only see her when you go to visit her. I'd wish her well but don't think I'd be spending thousands to celebrate her wedding

howshouldibehave · 12/03/2025 21:51

No way would I be spending thousands to go to a wedding of someone on my own birthday!

Titasaducksarse · 12/03/2025 21:36

Fuck that!

bumbers1 · 12/03/2025 21:35

Having invited you to be MOH and therefore part of the wedding party - is she paying for anything for you to attend at all??

You're clearly feeling undervalued in the friendship such is why the lack of awareness or acknowledgment of your milestone birthday is bothering you so much.

If she told you tomorrow it had been cancelled for one reason or another - would you feel gutted or relived?

LittleMonks11 · 12/03/2025 21:33

WTF?!!

Pomvit · 12/03/2025 21:32

You’re upset because she didn’t plan her wedding around what works for you? What planet are on? Do go if it doesn’t work for you and I doubt her and her boyfriend even considered you when planning what they wanted for their wedding.

Streetsofkenny · 12/03/2025 21:23

I've voted YABU simply because I can't believe you're entertaining the idea of actually going to this wedding! To be blunt, this person doesn't sound like a close friend and clearly has no regard for either your comfort, the massive expense for you attending the wedding, or your birthday. Decline the invitation and enjoy your special day at home xxx

cardboardvillage · 12/03/2025 21:17

Just say, sorry../cannot come as it's my 40th (or whatever) and my family want to celebrate with me

Yoonimum · 12/03/2025 18:31

It sounds like you are ambivalent about this friendship and still feeling hurt from the past and with good reason. Your friend has made no effort to visit you and maintain the relationship. It costs her very little emotionally or financially to invite you to be the MOH and she has shown no considerations by expecting you to camp. I would seriously think about declining.

Poppingmad123 · 12/03/2025 17:58

Think you just need to shorten the time you attend the wedding itself (i.e 2 days) so that you can spend the rest of the wedding time having a holiday for yourself. Otherwise you will be at her beck and call, not get anything out of it for yourself & by the sounds of it, she will be too busy anyway to even appreciate you spending a whole week with her.

You don’t need to tell her about how you plan to spend your time there, just tell her what you’re able to attend. And if she ask more, just tell her, you can’t afford the full 5 days (in the remote wedding site, paying for expensive accommodation and renting an car) and that you also have your big birthday to celebrate, but it’s fine, you wouldn’t dream of asking her to change wedding plans for your day.

Drummergirl1971 · 12/03/2025 17:54

Weddingadviceplease · 11/03/2025 11:04

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

  • she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs
  • Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.
  • She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?
  • Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

In all honesty, I wouldn’t go if it was me. I would never expect anyone to spend £1000s for my sake & to make no concession to you? If I were her, I’d be offering accommodation with us/a relative for at least part of it, I’d just say, “I’m so sorry, I will be thinking of you, but it’s just unaffordable for me” or “it coincides with my _ birthday & X has/have clubbed together to pay for a trip abroad” etc

MrsJoanDanvers · 12/03/2025 08:05

I really would not go and let the friendship run its course. She wants to be friends provided there’s no effort from her. So she might think she’s being nice to think ‘I know- I’ll ask @Weddingadviceplease to be MOH’-but there is no consideration of the considerable effort involved from you, nor any thought as to how she can help with the logistics of your role. No-it’s you drop everything to worship the bride. As she’s thousands of miles away, realistically, is the friendship worth the effort from you?

melonalone · 12/03/2025 07:25

I don’t understand the comments saying the bride is using the OP. Using her for what? She hasn’t asked anything of her.

Also it’s unreasonable to expect to stay with a couple right before or after their wedding when they are mad busy and then going on honeymoon.

Grow up and book your own accommodation like an adult.

Justsayit123 · 12/03/2025 07:21

If roles were reversed, do you think she would go to all this expense for your wedding? I think your friendship has probably come to a point where you’re just going to be understandably irritated at the cost and lack of thoughtfulness of the bride and you probably won’t see how much of her after this so I won’t bother going.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 12/03/2025 07:18

She’s doesn’t care about your comfort. Major red flag in a friendship.
I wouldn’t entertain the idea of spending thousands to watch someone get married, not even a close friend. Her wedding plans are piss taking, people will get into debt creating her perfect moment. That is not what a wedding should be. I blame social media for the birth of look at me curated vibes that literally cost the earth, she is being a a bucket of dicks.

BusyMum47 · 12/03/2025 07:08

@Weddingadviceplease

I wouldn't go - you're clearly more invested in this friendship than she is - the cancelled visit & the fact that all subsequent visits have been you going to her? Once she's married, you'll never see her again & you'll be thousands of pounds out of pocket!!

Shoezembagsforever · 11/03/2025 23:53

I would just politely decline now. Your friend just hasn't considered the logistics of you being MofH properly.

LlynTegid · 11/03/2025 18:10

Politely decline and do it now. Peak season and the extra cost would be enough reason for me, the other things only add to it.

CarpetKnees · 11/03/2025 17:42

I wouldn't expect any B&G to arrange things around old friends' birthdays, or change the season they wanted to get married to accommodate one guests preferences, so YABU to expect any of that.

However I don't think I would go to a wedding given all the things you've said, so YANBU to tell your friend that it just isn't going to be possible with all the additional information.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/03/2025 17:25

arcticpandas · 11/03/2025 11:45

Why on earth would you go to this wedding OP? She was supposed to visit you, then cancelled and finally went to the UK anyway but not to see you. She has probably treated her friends like shit so she needs you as her bridesmaid but she doesn't give a shit if you sleep in a tent. Spend thousands of euros on someone who doesn't really care about you, now why would you do that OP? Tell her your financial situation is making it impossible to be there but that you wish her the best.

Does she want you to organise a hen night too?

But even if you did accept have you thought about all the other things that are going to crop up?
These could involve even more effort and expense from you..
And could potentially keep coming from now until the wedding.

I think with alll the expense and difficulties..and having to put your milestone birthday to one side for this event... and the fact that you feel she hasn't thought about you in the planning but expects you to pitch in anyway, it would put me off going. And have'nt you already forked out for 5 trips to see her?

Edited to say. However, I've just seen your update and you say you can afford it, will be paying for your MOH dress and really want to see her etc... so I'm not sure how to advise. Unless you tell her how you feel and see what she says.. but I don't think you will get very far, given her suggestion that you should stay in a tent for a week.

Naunet · 11/03/2025 16:55

I wouldn't be paying thousands to attend a wedding for someone who couldn't even be arsed to come see me when she was in the UK.

Sparkletastic · 11/03/2025 16:37

Although you say you can afford it would you choose to spend this much money on a holiday to that country if you didn't feel under an obligation to attend? It might also be rather hard to find a friend who will spend on a similar scale to be your plus one. As others have said, weddings often mark the end of friendships, particularly if they were already somewhat fragile beforehand. How will you feel if you make all this effort then you lose touch?

I'm not convinced that she understands what asking someone to be her MOH entails. I'm surprised she hasn't offered to accommodate you with her family given your supposed key role in the event.

Swipe left for the next trending thread