My husband is pissing me off!!

I can't believe how furious I am about a stranger on Mumsnet. Seriously, I don't even think I'd be able to gain back any love or respect for him if he started coming home now, because he's already gone too far. But if you don't want to ltb immediately then you definitely need to give him an ultimatum of he comes home or he no longer has a wife!! What an arsehole. Sorry op x

Also, I don’t want to unnecessarily worry you, but are you sure he’s staying with his grandparents? Are you sure he even has a new job?

This is completely unacceptable. A one hour drive commute is nothing. He should be home every single night after work supporting his family. If he cannot -or will not - do this then I would be taking the children and moving back closer to home, near people who will support and help me. What an AH!

Completely unacceptable.

For the first 6 weeks you should have support to recover from pregnancy and birth. You should be resting for most of the day. Most fathers would have arranged time off work to provide postpartum care, especially with twins and another child. Do you have anyone who can support you by coming to your home for a few hours each day to look after you? If not, can you and the DC stay with someone?

He works 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. You’re working 24 hours a day, with perhaps a few short breaks, 7 days a week. To care for his children, who he’s equally responsible for caring for. Including newborn twins!

You need to let him know it’s not acceptable. An hour’s commute is pretty common. If he’s really too tired to drive home (dangerous), can he take a bus or train instead? You need help from someone else while he’s out at work or at very least he has meals prepared for you and has done as much other prep as possible to ease your day. He looks after the children and does the housework at weekends to allow you to rest.

Even if he returns home each day, you’ll still be on your own for 9 hours a day. You need support from someone else. Surely, you considered and discussed this when you knew you were expecting twins, even before he lost his job? Or was he entitled to paternity leave/annual leave with the previous job?

I would like his phone number so I can give him a piece of my mind

Is he earning mega bucks and paying for a day and night nanny, cleaner and housekeeper? Because that is the only circumstances this would be acceptable.

Honestly I'd pack the kids stuff up and drive up to his parents/grandparents for when he gets back from work and go "your turn". Get in the car and drive home. What a crushing disappointment this man is.

The only possible reason he is doing this is that he wants to check out of parenting or he has an affair partner. I have an hour commute, my partner has 1 hour 15. It’s normal!! I can’t believe with twins he has just left you to it. You need to issue an ultimatum. He moves back and commutes, or you end things and go home. What an arsehole.

I used to drive an hour each way to work, in my 50s! Tell him he either drives and shares the load or you leave.

So he is claiming he cannot be home in the week because he has a one hour commute? A one hour commute? I have never heard anything like it, most people I know travel further than that and it’s never even occurred to them as an issue that would take them away from home. There’s a joke in London that no matter how close you live to your work it somehow never takes less than an hour to get there.

Why don’t his grandparents tell him to get home and care for his family? I am so confused. I would tell him it ends today. He is home tonight, or you want a divorce. Then when he is home you can start to process wtf is going on and if you can get past whatever it is.

There's always a new low these twats achieve. Feeling really sorry for you OP. I hope you can move back to your family and get more help.
You will have to put your foot down and tell him to help else this is it, you will be leaving him.

Easter hols coming up. I'd plan to pack up and shift to your folks for the school hols if your folks can comfortably accommodate you. Hopefully give you some rest and time to think. Once youve caught up a bit, I'd look at making it permanent. Have a look for school options for eldest etc and telling him this was happening - I would not be putting up with this excuse for a father for any longer than I had to. He is a disgrace.

@ambeRe , I've worked away during the week and it was great. I had from 5.30 pm until bedtime to do as I pleased, and a cooked breakfast in the morning.

Compare that to getting a child ready for school, and caring and feeding month-old twins...

Scary to think these are the types of wimpy men that would be conscripted to save us if Trump keeps going…..

My dad used to have to get 2 buses each way and was out of the house for about 12 and a half hours a day. He never even complained!

A 1 hour commute is bog standard he needs to return home daily.

My chikdren did a 50 minute commute to secondary school and managed. He is a grown adult and father of 3! Time to behave like an adult.

He's staying over for an HOUR commute?
That's ridiculous.

That's a normal commute and on top of a standard 7 hour office job it's really not a big deal.

I suspect it's just an excuse and he doesn't want to be at home with newborn twins. He's selfish and you and your children deserve much more.

Also the “I’m too tired” excuse is extra pathetic considering he will be getting a full night sleep at granny’s house whilst you’re up multiple times a night with newborn twins.

The fact of the matter is he has essentially abandoned his family. He has abdicated his responsibility as a husband and a father.

His choice is very simple, commute and participate in family life with responsibility for the children he created. Or be a divorced man living with his nana and paying maintenance like the sad pathetic loser he is.

Jesus Christ what have I just read!

1 hours commute is entirely normal and a 7 hour working day is short. I cannot believe he’s doing it and people (grandparents) are enabling it.

He doesn't even need to stay over a couple of nights, don't even concede that.

He works an office job, 7 hours a day.
He has it easy.

A one hour commute is normal.

He's being selfish and dishonest.

He can't face the new babies, it's not about being tired and having a commute.

You'd be better off without him tbh.

I know you're tired and overwhelmed but this can't continue. Either he comes home every night or rheow him in the bin.

He gets it, he's not a complete idiot, he just doesn't care if you're burning out because he comes first and way ahead of the rest of you. He's a garden variety entitled arsehole who thinks being a man and working means he deserves uninterrupted sleep and time to relax no matter what that costs you or his kids. He knows, he gets it, he's chosing to put himself first no matter what it costs.

I'd move back home. I don't normally jump to leave. But in this situation he's set the bar and decided it's perfectly acceptable to disappear if you don't like a situation. If he can do it, so can you. Fairs fair.

Oh and for what it's worth. My husband is physically disabled and fatigue is a huge part of that due to the extra effort he has to put in to walking. He commutes just under an hour each way via public transport. He still comes home every night. Your husband has no excuse.

He's their dad and you do it all the time. The least he owes you is a break when he's home, not you still having to do childcare when he's home while he gets to live like a single man 4 nights a week. Lots of people commute more than an hour, there's no justification for him staying elsewhere to avoid a 1 hour commute when he's a parent let alone when you have twin babies to look after.

He just walks out of family life mon-fri over an hours commute - what an absolute pisstaker

He mans up and does what is not an exceptionally long commute or You're right you move nearer or he changes jobs

An hour's commute is normal. Staying with your granny during the week, leaving your wife to bring up a child and 2 babies alone isn't normal.

I'd be seeing a divorce lawyer.

What I'm wondering is, if he did come home would he actually do any childcare/cooking/cleaning up? It's obvious he's staying away because he knows It's a hard knock life at home with twins and a 6 year old so that's why he's staying away. If he did come home he might sink down in the sofa saying he's tired and need to relax. For hours. Which would be even more infuriating. I preferred when my DH wasn't around because he had no patience with the kids, especially the autistic one who was/is a handful. Hearing him yelling "arcticmonkeys, they are doing this/that" really made my blood boil". I was/am a sahm but when they were small it was relentless especially with one kid with a disability that made it impossible to educate him as you would a regular child- you couldn't tell him off but had to physically be there and remove him at all times. So I still feel resenful over all the times he told me "I work, I need to relax every night and week-ends". I tolerate him because he feeds us and enables me to be available for the kids and also have some time to myself during the day now they are older. But I don't feel guilty about that because I know I'm the one responsible all mornings/evenings/nights/ week-ends/holidays so I merit the hours I have during the day. While he probably sees it as I'm living the good life.

So OP, yes, tell him to get home. But also when he gets home tell him what you expect If him practically. ESPECIALLY If you plan to go back to work or you will be burnt out. He needs to step up or being thrown out.