My husband is pissing me off!!

I'm sorry your husband seems to have checked out of being a husband a father. Having three little ones 24/7 without any support from his our partner is not what you signed up for. My gut feeling is to go out for a few hours of r & r this weekend and leave him with all three children to let him experience your life. If he still doesn't step up, I think you know he really couldn't care less about you!

@ambeRe why are you waiting until Friday to have this conversation. You need to have it today and he needs to start coming home after work immediately.

That's absolutely ridiculous. I live on the outskirts of London. The vast majority of people here have at least an hour's commute. None of them would dream of staying away overnight.

He's either having an affair or he's just a lazy, selfish twat.

As soon as he gets home on Friday night, leave for a hotel for the weekend on your own - if you can look after all the DC alone for 5 days, he can manage it for 2.

And use the time in the hotel to make plans to leave him for good!

Your husband has abandoned you and the kids and is only seeing them on weekends.

Time to make it official.

Can you move to your parents or one of them move in with you for help? You do need to tell family and friends that he's abandoned you Monday through Friday with no help at all. Why protect this waste of oxygen from some well deserved fallout for what he's done?

He's pissing me off, and I've never met him.

Fuck that, he works 7 hours/day. He could easily do an hour each way commute! At least a couple of nights a week anyway. That's crazy, I would definitely be putting your foot down with this. Is he looking for a job closer to home?

Sorry, but I think he is living with someone else during the week.

I think by the time you are posting here there is nothing you can say that will change his behaviour. He knows exactly what he is doing and it's his choice to behave this way. Id be packing up the kids and heading to my family to get proper support. You don't need to decide to end your marriage straight away but being somewhere where you get support might give you perspective on what your next step is.

My first question us why doesn't he want to be with his children?

My next point is LTB as soon as you can

Unforgiveable

Hand him all 3 kids when he gets home Friday, and leave. Tell him you’ll be back Monday morning ready for him to go to work.

he comes home every night from then on and looks for another job. End of.

I have tried my hardest I don't understand why he doesn't get it coming from me.

He completely understands @ambeRe - he just can't be bothered to do anything about it & prefers his easy life being looked after by grandparents. I wonder what they think of this behaviour.

Show him this thread & he might wake up!

An hour commute is normal! Sounds to me like he’s just checked out of family life. If you are able to move back home then give him one final ultimatum and if no joy then go back home.

Bloody hell OP, he's properly taking the piss. My DH has a 2 hour each way commute. He still makes it home every night to take up the parenting reins.

Your DH is a lazy cunt. Tell him he has to come home and help or you’re done.

…and using a 1 HOUR commute as an excuse to stay away for the whole week is pathetic!! My dad did that for a while when I was young but he was working 3 hours away from us and my mum hadn’t just had twins!

He's an hour away, hardly working at the other end of the country. No excuse not to drive home everyday. "Staying out" mon-fri isn't acceptable when he has a young family at home needing his support, and he's only an hour away, but refusing to come home. My husband works in the city, and we live in the countryside in a completely different district. Some days it takes him almost an hour to get to work and then home again, but the thought of not coming home just wouldn't enter his mind. This is not acceptable op, you already know that, and it's time to lay down your expectations going forward. He either gets a new job closer to home, you move as a family, or he cuts this nonsense and just drives back like every other person with a (really not that bad) commute does.

A 7 hour day in an office is a pretty short working day and a one-hour commute is pretty standard. I cannot believe that he is 'too tired' to drive home and is happy to leave you alone all week with 4 week old twins and a 6 year old. He has redefined the meaning of 'selfish' and needs a whole new word for his appalling behaviour. I also can't believe that his grandparents are happy with helping to live the life of a single man while you struggle at home with a school age child and newborn twins. They are nearly as bad as he is.

OP should do whatever she wants to do to make her life easier and if this includes leaving him, that is what she should do. She should also be honest about why she is leaving her disgraceful husband.

OP, fellow twin mum here.

Sack him off. Newborn twins are brutally all-consuming and you genuinely don’t have the capacity to deal with his b*llshit and you have 3 children to look after so there is nothing left to deal with him. He gets nothing. Keeping your relationship together at the moment is not your job. Your job is looking after TWO babies (while dealing with a 6 year old…and the house).

You’re in the trenches at the moment so you do what you need to do to make it work. He has shown you he is not going to support you or help you so you move to Plan B. If that’s moving to be near family then that’s what you do. Is DC6 at school? Can you afford to pay someone to come help for a few hours? Tough if he complains about what you do. The only reason you’re having to do it is because he has spectacularly failed at being a husband and a father.

Personally, I’d be so furious with him I wouldn’t text/call him & I certainly wouldn’t be listening to what a lovely time he had out last night. The resentment he is causing is relationship-breaking level, so if he comes back all upset you’re not giving him the attention he wants then that’s on him.

So sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of having two gorgeous babies (the fact that he’s spoiling your newborn experience is also unforgivable). Are you in the UK? My DC are now 9 but I’m still in my baby twin FB groups. I’d be round in a shot if I saw a twin mum struggling. Might be worth a shot.

Good luck xx

Ok, take a deep breath. Let me tell you a secret about men, many will only help you if they see it affecting them. So, here's what you do, you do what you need to do with the kids and if you are too tired to do stuff for him, then so be it, let it happen, without arguing or saying a word, just genuinely being too tired to do stuff. If he complains, then apologise and keep trying to do it but relax with it and be too tired to do it. He should then take note. And shh, keep that secret to yourself. And do with caution with abusive men

After that, you need a break now really. Start with putting up a basic scribbled routine up for you and the kids. Make sure you eat/snack regularly and Just concentrate on the kids stuff and self care and the rest can slide naturally for now. Then root out someone to help you, parents, an older teenager with lots of energy whos dying for their first job, crèche,etc. You can deal with your husband when you feel able.

He's being such a dick. Sorry OP. Hopefully you can show him this thread and he can see how unreasonable he's being. So many people work a normal day in an office and make that sort of commute. Sorry you're having such a rough time x

Claiming to be too tired to drive after 7 hours in an office job is just ridiculous. I'm surprised his grandparents are enabling this nonsense. Tell him he needs to shape up now and parent his children if he wants to stay married.

A one hour commute each way plus a 7hr working day?

Must be one of the shortest working days I've heard of!

What is there that is more attractive than coming home to see his wife & kids?

I drop my kids off at the childminder's at 7:15am each day, then drive the hour to my job to start at 8:30, work 8 hours, drive the hour back and pick the kids up. At no point has it ever even remotely entered my head that this is some kind of unreasonable venture. Can't even begin to describe how contemptuous your DH is being here.

My commute is also only 15 miles through horrendous traffic as well - I'd probably prefer it if it was an hour straight on a motorway or something.

An hours drive isn't the end of the world. I used to do that (did it for 12 years). My commute now (public transport) is over an hour - as is a lot of peoples - I still make it home for my child.
Sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with 3 kids - especially through the night wakings.

I don't normally say this - but I'd be giving him an ultimatum and meaning it. He can either come home every night and take part in family life - or its finished and he can stay at his grandparents for good. This is not fair on you (for context my brother has a minimum 1 hour 30 min commute (each way) - he wouldn't dream of not coming home).