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Original poster

My husband is pissing me off!!

292 replies

ambeRe · 11/03/2025 01:38

My husband and I I have been married for 8 years. 3 kids together our last being twins a month old. He lost his job and 2 months before my due date he accepted a job a hour away from home. He told me things would stay the same but has been staying over with his grandparents while he's working. He works Monday-Friday he leaves Monday morning and returns Friday after work. I'm exhausted he gets off work and wants to talk until he goes to sleep. Some days he gets off and goes sight seeing or out with friends and I'm home alone with our babies.

I have told him we either move or he comes home at night. He told me things would not be like this for long. It's been like this since being discharged from the hospital. The past couple of weeks I just don't have any words for him and now he's not speaking to me. I'm taking on the job of 2 parents and I'm drained. I'm so fucking pissed I don't want to talk to him most days. He either does not care or he does not understand how hard things are for me.

I tried being understanding not anymore. I no longer have a life outside of being a mom. My days are a blur. We moved 4 years ago so I'm not near family. I have amazing neighbors and friends who help when they can, but he should be here. Hearing him out enjoying himself while I'm home with newborn twins and a 6 year old makes my blood boil.

I'm no longer asking him what's next. If things do not change soon I will be moving back home.This is so hard on me. I go without eating because I just do not have the time. I'm in the house majority of the time I have my own vehicle but it's a lot being out with small children with no help. I love my babies just sometimes I need a fucking break. Between school drop offs/pick ups, packing lunch, school activities, bottle washing, cleaning, cooking, running errands etc. I'm beat by 2 pm.

OP posts:
LilacPony · 11/03/2025 16:23

A mum I know, her husband kept staying away for work when she was really struggling with a new born. He really didn’t need to be staying away either. He’d book Air Bnb’s to stay in. So….she just kept turning up at them with her baby. She would stay with him and he’d have no choice but to support her in the evenings after work. Couple of months later he stopped it all and stayed at home every night.

Ilovecleaning · 11/03/2025 15:29

He’s a total arsehole and is abnegating all responsibility. Stopping over at his grandparents? Is he a bloody teenager?
As a grandparent there’s no way I’d allow this. I’d say ‘Get home to your wife and children NOW!’

wizzywig · 11/03/2025 15:22

Seeing as they like babying people, could you stay with them for a while and let them help with the babies?

FartyAnimal · 11/03/2025 14:05

An hour is not a long commute. He is just avoiding all his responsibilities. I had an hour and 45 minutes commute, starting work at 7.15 for years. It has to stop.

Butterfly123456 · 11/03/2025 14:00

MayaPinion · 11/03/2025 13:19

I’d show up at the grandparents with camp beds and luggage. Tell than you can’t manage on your own anymore and you need to be with your husband for support. They’ll kick you all out after a few weeks.

Great idea! OP, do it!

sheep73 · 11/03/2025 13:48

OP this chap is taking the piss. He either leans in or you are moving back home and he can live with his grandparents permanently . What a pathetic man.

BlondeFool · 11/03/2025 13:20

I'd leave him. Arrange for him to have them every other weekend and get proper child maintenance. He's actually the laziest, useless dad I've read about on here.

MayaPinion · 11/03/2025 13:19

I’d show up at the grandparents with camp beds and luggage. Tell than you can’t manage on your own anymore and you need to be with your husband for support. They’ll kick you all out after a few weeks.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/03/2025 12:50

ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:32

On top of everything else that really pisses me off. He sleeps like a rock needing to be asked to help out even when he's home.

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As far as I can see, not one person on this thread has said that his behaviour is OK or reasonable in any way. He is an utter disgrace and his grandparents are no better. The fact that he is chatting to you over the phone, telling you about his plans for socialising while you struggle with two newborns and a school age child just adds insult to injury. It's as though he enjoys rubbing it in your face.

Stop speaking to him and go and stay with your family as soon as you can.

mummymeister · 11/03/2025 12:42

its time to sort this out really isnt it. 90% of the people I know have at least an hours commute to work and they come home every night. Write down exactly what you want to say to him. then read it out or text it. he is being completely unreasonable and this arrangement needs to end this Friday and he needs to come back home every single night. if he chooses not to then he is out for good. Once you have told him this today, stop talking to him in the evening. tell him you are too tired and too busy. Make him realise that you mean this, that this is a crossroads and its make or break.

newrubylane · 11/03/2025 12:42

Dear god. I had twins and no other children. It is so so tough when they're babies. I swear I didn't feel like a functional human being. My husband did as little work as possible for the first 6 months. He mostly WFH but no overtime, as few visits to the office as possible, and was generally at home and hands-on as much as he could be. Your husband is one of the biggest shits I think I've encountered on here, honestly. This is the time when you need him most, and he's 'too tired' to drive for an hour. Do you even get any sleep??? I'm absolutely flabbergasted and livid on your behalf.

Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:32

ScienceFanGirl · 11/03/2025 06:39

I work for 7 hours and have a 30 minute bus ride plus 20 minute walk. It's completely normal isn't it? In fact I think it's a relatively short working day!

He is absolutely taking the piss and just trying to avoid looking after 3 children. I bet he sleeps really well too, not having babies to look after at night.

On top of everything else that really pisses me off. He sleeps like a rock needing to be asked to help out even when he's home.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 11/03/2025 12:31

ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:21

I'm guessing they think what he is doing is ok. His grandparents actually baby him so it's no point in talking to them.

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Of course he’s staying with them, where he is baby and centre of attention. He’s meant to be the parent and he is in fact regressing while you pick up every inch of slack. Disgusting.

Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:30

HuskyNew · 11/03/2025 06:27

Surely the answer here is he's moved out? He's left you & his kids

No one thinks that a 7hr office job & 1 hr commmute is a reasonable justification for staying away all week. That's just preposterous. If he isn't stupid, he can't believe that's ok.

So that leaves you with the conclusion he KNOWS it's wrong, but something has driven him to it anyway.

He doesn't want to be at home with you & the babies. I know that's hard to hear, but better to face reality and plan your life now in the knowledge of what's he's like.

How certain are you he's with grandparents? That doesn't ring true either - they should be sending g him home if your version of events is true. I suspect he's told them something else.

What happens on a weekend? Does he bring you all his washing etc?

I think you need to gather your support network & prepare for life as a single mum.

Well we are on the phone for hours most days and I can hear his grandparents in the background. But we're not talking for hours everyday so honestly I'm not sure.

He washes his clothes when he's at his grandparents so I'm not really washing any of his things unless it's something that he wore over the weekend.

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 11/03/2025 12:28

An hour is a usual commute in London. Having had twins with a 3 y at old, he's a lazy manipulative bastard. I'd leave him.

Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:26

Gonk123 · 11/03/2025 06:23

Surely his grandparents realise he should be at home with newborns?!

The things he says to me and from what I've seen they baby him. Constantly telling him he needs rest because what he's doing is tiring as if I have it easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:24

Zanatdy · 11/03/2025 06:17

Wow. I have people in my team who commute 1.5hrs each way. He is taking the P. Maybe stay over once, mid week, but he is too tired to drive home, when you’re the one doing all the hard work. He is going off sightseeing? He should be home with his kids. I wouldn’t be sitting on a call with him for hours either, he could spend that time driving home. I’d be furious that he even think this is acceptable.

I couldn't believe it when he told me what his plans were after leaving work. I couldn't mask my anger because he could have come home.

OP posts:
Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:23

Velvian · 11/03/2025 06:12

@ambeRe 💐I really feel for you. Your husband is an absolute disgrace and I would be furious at his grandparents too! Although, are they treating him like a little lord and mopping his brow after a hard day of 9 to 5 in the office?

Absolutely the only thing he does while he's away is wash his clothes. Everything else they do for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 12:21

Changeissmall · 11/03/2025 05:57

I had twins many years ago and it is relentless. His behaviour is bizarre. Do his grandparents and work colleagues not tell him how crazy it is that he is doing anything outside of rushing home to help care for two newborns? Surely he misses the 6 year old.

@BungledUp I was you. I get it. I accepted I was stuck and was philosophical about it. Left when the DC were adults. I am very happy now. They all still live with me and I have no regrets.

Edited

I'm guessing they think what he is doing is ok. His grandparents actually baby him so it's no point in talking to them.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 11/03/2025 12:17

ambeRe · 11/03/2025 10:31

He's constantly telling me he's looking for work closer to home. I get that it's a process it's starting to feel like he's telling me that to shut me up. I bring this up to him every week and it feels like nothing will change any time soon.

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You move, and say I might come back if you’ve demonstrated we are a priority, but I’m not hanging around waiting while you say oh I can’t drive an hour oh I haven’t found any jobs. The first is a lie so I don’t know if the second is too.

Starlight1984 · 11/03/2025 12:13

Dairymilkisminging · 11/03/2025 10:33

Nah my husband has an hour and half drive to work a 10 hour shift then drives home. This is not on. I don't blame you for being pissed off.

Same here and we don't even have kids!!!!

Busybeemumm · 11/03/2025 12:11

Stop telling him you are tired and actually show him with your actions that this is unsustainable. You are at breaking point and you have 3 little ones reliant on you and your sanity.

Well done for sharing this with your parents. Now is the time to take some drastic action. You will feel so much more empowered even if it means that you will go it alone.

Tell everyone you know about your situation IRL you should not be embarrassed -he should be embarrassed and the shame is on him. What kind of father even does that! Everyone will be horrified for you that he has acted in this way.

Starlight1984 · 11/03/2025 12:06

ambeRe · 11/03/2025 02:29

7 hours a day

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So, let me get this straight, he works for 7 hours a day with a 1 hour commute either side. So he could (in theory) leave at 8am, get to work for 9am, work until 5pm (8 hours with a 1 hour break) and be home for 6pm.

So, basically the same as the majority of the population who work in offices???

But he needs to stay with his grandparents because he can't handle what is a (completely normal) commute and get home to look after his 3 young children?!?!

What an absolute fucking bellend.

Hankunamatata · 11/03/2025 11:58

He needs a slap. My husband works 12 hours shifts home at 5.30pm to help with dinner and parent

SheridansPortSalut · 11/03/2025 11:58

An hour commute is nothing.
The distance isn't the problem.
He doesn't want to come home.

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