Found out fiancé is married to someone else

Start with what kind of man is he to you? Kind and healthy mentally and treats you well? You met this guy when you were 23 😢. In your prime! Still are!❤️
If I was to start allover again I would never marry a guy with an ex wife who have kids together NO NEVER!
It’s too complicated to blend a family and trust me you will always be wrong! Especially when them kids get older and if their mum is as crazy as she sounds ( her reaction to your engagement) not normal! Why would she take it badly unless she still wants him?

you are really young and can still meet a man to be a first with. His focus will be on you! Property etc will be for you and your kids, you will build together!
with a blended marriage it’s complicated you don’t want to know.
RUN!

EXACT same thing happened to me. He was trying to sneakily get the absolute whilst we were engaged. We went together and sorted it out. Unfortunately they were still financially entwined and she got half of his house sale and thousands in shares of a PPI claim. Massive red flag that I stupidly chose to ignore.. Would 100% do things differently given a do over X

Even though him 'forgetting' he was married caused the breakdown of his last serious relationship, even when he proposed? Like that wouldn't jog your memory.

This must feel like such a total betrayal of trust. Which I think it is personally.

Your updates with his reasons (I never wanted to get married I got pushed into - ergo it doesn’t count) are nails in the coffin of any possibility of a future. He self justifying and doesn’t take responsibility then or now.

The red flags are flying at least you found out before he committed bigamy and you got pregnant,

Absolute bullshit that he didn’t remember he’d been married before (to the mother of his DC) when he was proposing marriage?!

It is common however for the (ex)wife to continue to use her married name even after divorce - they share the name with their DC.

🚩 🚩🚩

His "plan" is to string you along. Keep you quiet with an engagement ring but never ever marry you.

He didn't "forget", he just didn't want to draw your attention to it.

If you are happy to be a casual girlfriend to whom he has no commitments, if you are happy to build your life independently knowing that you can't rely on him, he isn't a "partner" but just a fun person to spend time with and have sex with, then crack on. That's the maximum you'll be getting from him.

If that wouldn't be enough for you then you need a different man. This one is not for you.

Found out - so it IS a close / serious thing THEN
In your mind, did you consider this to be the RT (Real Thing) ??
If you DID then, you clearly ARE the fool - What DID you talk about for 4 YEARS ?? SURELY 1 of you (probably you - MUST have asked/discussed, where IS this goin? What DID you talk about (for 4 YEARS ?? ) for it NOT to come up ??

You can. Just use your browser to access mumsnet. Don't use the app.

Is he a Mormon 🤔🤔

Some men stay married so that they can't re-marry anyone else (preventative measure) or they don't want their ex to be able to re-marry - it's about control. Me & my partner have been together for 15 years, we are both still married to our respective spouses - my husband doesn't want to share his pension so won't divorce.

Why on earth would you still go on to Marry him even if he finally sorts it out to make that legal to do so? You don't just forget to tell people this, especially if you then decide to get married to them. A relationship is based on trust. How can you trust him
She will still have his name as presumably it is the same as the children, and hey, she is still actually his wife.
Count it as a blessing to be shown a big red flag now before you are pregnant and tied to him or stuck committed to a mortgage

No he didn't just not get round to divorcing he never told OP he'd been married in the first place

He probably means "never got around to divorcing each other" and just forgot to get their act together rather than forgot they were still married.

To the posters saying you hadn't told a partner you weren't divorced - had you also forgotten to tell them you'd ever been married, even when talking about marriage and then proposing to someone?

I think this is a tad unfair, she has the same name as her children - and personally I’ve kept my married name after separation from my ex as it is the same name as my children

I have friends who married young then separated and never bothered getting divorced until years later, when they wanted to marry someone else. It can happen without deceitful intentions, especially if they have been separated a long time.
Though this discovery is disconcerting and must be quickly sorted out, your attitude and decision will depend on his attitude and actions from here on in. Either he gets divorced post-haste, or you should probably conclude he is not serious or not responsible enough to marry.
Good luck.

I can't believe he 'forgot'! Not sure what to make of your situation, but it does remind me of the man I met on OLD. It turned out that he was still living in the same house as his ex - she lived upstairs and he lived downstairs. I could sort of accept that. But when I went over to his place for dinner and we went out to a pub, he then introduced me to his WIFE! They were married years ago, before his ex, and had just never got around to getting a divorce.

Oh and OP, I’d put money on him having slept with her much more recently than a decade ago when they “split up”.

If he’d have wanted to divorce her then he would have. It’s not that bloody complicated.

You’re 27, you’ve plenty of time on your side and you don’t need a lying shit like this in your life. There’s an honest bloke out there waiting for you. Ditch this prick.

Look, that’s a silly aside in grand scheme of things
his wife took his name probably as she shares her surname with kids. It is NOT his decision on divorce if she changes it back or now. It is her name now. Stop having paddy about the tiny issue you can do nowt about, nor can he. He married her. She exists.

focus on fact he has gas lit you. Not telling someone you’re married, and even proposing is deceit, not forgetfulness. You have to decide if you can accept such lies or not.

marriage is primarily a legal and financial partnership. She is his legal next of kin . If he dies she’ll inherit the very thing he might have- including pensions. She will have rights as next of kin/ nearest relative if something happens so he looses mental competency ( unless he has done a LPOA recently since he met you ) like being in comma. If you share anything even like a bank account, sheisentitked to half that amount on his death.

do NOT continue to try for a baby in these precarious circumstances. Do not continue with engagement. Think very hard about a future with a man that cares so little about the vulnerable status he is putting you in.

Considering he doesn't bother much with his existing children, having a baby isn't going to be the leverage you think it may be. His excuses are just that. Excuses

This is a perfect example for other women of how pointless whining about 'no proposal' actually is. Sure, you get what you want but it's usually just used to placate and bide more time. If he truly wanted to marry you OP, he wouldn't still be married 🤷‍♀️

The fact that you have to "figure out what you want to do" is kinda the indicator that you know what you are going to do and just want to punish him a little first. Why bother. Doesn't change that he's married and didn't bother telling you.

Come on OP. Expect better. Especially for any future children. Don't let this be all you think THEY deserve as well.

You’re getting older. Your pool of partners who are doing things for the first time is going to be getting sparse. So I think this bit is a bit silly, but I don’t blame you for being bloody furious about the rest of it.

I think that if you aren’t free to get married, there’s only one reason to buy someone an engagement ring and that’s because you want them to believe that you have some intention of marrying them in the future, even though you don’t. I don’t think you’re wearing an engagement ring. I think you’re wearing a ‘We’re never getting married but this should keep you quiet for a while’ ring.

Yes - you knew he had kids, but being married before would have been a deal breaker? Strange.

Obviously, he needs to get a divorce, and quickly, as has already been mentioned, he's still legally tied to her. It's not like he's been leading a double life.

I've known people be separated for years and re-engaged, even had kids with a new partner before getting divorced.

I originally ticked YANBU to issue an ultimatum but in hindsight I think I was wrong.

What would be unreasonable is to carry on a relationship with this lying, gaslighting, unreliable man.

Also I had a recent call from pension people saying my nominated person has to be agreed on by committee when I die.

they actually said it was to cover situations where someone else might have a claim.

But an updated will is easily challenged by a husband, who will have a good case on account of...being the husband.

i'm another one who separated from my ExH but took years to divorce him.

Being still legally married didn't matter in terms of life/living it, but i certainly didn't forget and was open about the fact i was still legally married with everyone i had a relationship with.

You might put it out of your mind, and not think about it, but you don't 'forget'