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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found out fiancé is married to someone else

355 replies

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

OP posts:
CarrieOnComplaining · 10/03/2025 22:38

What a horrible shock.

We don’t have kids together but are trying for a baby,

I hope that is now were trying for a baby. Whatever else you decide here, having a baby with a man married to someone else is not great.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/03/2025 22:38

InWalksBarberalla · 10/03/2025 22:35

You're only 27. Get out of this now and fund someone with less baggage.

And someone for whom lying isn't as natural as breathing. Please don't have to baby with this man.

Mudkipper · 10/03/2025 22:38

I think you’re nuts if you don’t dump him.

Huckleberries · 10/03/2025 22:38

No it's not silly

plus we're talking about a man who got married and had children very young and couldn't cope. That's a crazy amount of baggage.

don't have a baby with him. He's not really an adult. I'm sorry but I'd end it.

llareggub · 10/03/2025 22:37

My exH rang me to tell me he was getting married and could he come with his new fiancée to tell our children. I reminded him that we were yet to divorce - that threw a real spanner in the works for their wedding prep. His fiancée of course had assumed we’d divorced but my ex isn’t the most dynamic or intelligent so he never thought to say anything.

IWillJustSayThis · 10/03/2025 22:36

So you have prove that he is a liar.

What are you going to do now? It must be an awful shock but you need to make decisions for you / your life.

InWalksBarberalla · 10/03/2025 22:35

You're only 27. Get out of this now and fund someone with less baggage.

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 22:35

limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:32

We don’t have kids together but are trying for a baby, we live together too (rented). I’m gutted that he’s done this whole thing before with his ex / wife. Obviously I know he has kids but he made out the relationship was bad and they weren’t close. But he was happy to marry her. And the thing is i’m a bit younger than him (i’m 27, he’s 33), and I don’t think I would have got with someone if I knew they’d been married before. Does that sound silly?

Edited

Please don’t and I’m sure you’re gorgeous and can go out and find someone else that’s normal. Don’t waste anymore of your time with this man. Walk away with dignity. You don’t need him.

BabyFever246 · 10/03/2025 22:35

Well clearly you need to stop trying for a baby pronto and hand the ring back. He isn't free to marry.

He has form for not telling partners he's married. It's a big fucking lie that was completely unnecessary. Can you trust him going forwards?

RosesAndHellebores · 10/03/2025 22:32

Run. Very fast and as far away as possible.

Original poster
limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:32

We don’t have kids together but are trying for a baby, we live together too (rented). I’m gutted that he’s done this whole thing before with his ex / wife. Obviously I know he has kids but he made out the relationship was bad and they weren’t close. But he was happy to marry her. And the thing is i’m a bit younger than him (i’m 27, he’s 33), and I don’t think I would have got with someone if I knew they’d been married before. Does that sound silly?

OP posts:
Devianinc · 10/03/2025 22:31

This little episode will be your life if you stay with this person. He just wants the next best thing. Your time will be up too. Some one younger will come along after you and he’ll do the same.

SheridansPortSalut · 10/03/2025 22:30

He can minimise it all he likes but the reality is that he can't get married so he shouldn't have gotten engaged.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/03/2025 22:30

edwinbear · 10/03/2025 21:28

You’ve met his wife loads, she knows you’re engaged, but she didn’t think to mention to you that she’s still married to your DP either? It’s very strange set up OP, not one I’d want to be part of.

Yeah, all of it is weird, but the guy's got some balls on him. I'd dump the fucker.

PoliteMauveSwan · 10/03/2025 22:30

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

You mean to write he's still married to his ex.

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 22:29

limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:23

Sorry, I made this post then my mum called me and I forgot about it.

We own 0 properties and he owns 0 with his wife. He’s acting like it’s not a big thing, am I overreacting here?

The kids know we are engaged but they were very young when they split so maybe didn’t know either, or just assumed they weren’t married anymore, not sure what they think.

His wife only just found out we are engaged, I don’t have her on facebook, she lives the other side of the country so he only has the kids in half terms / school holidays so the last time we saw her was feb half term.

But you can’t be engaged bc he’s already married. Wake up and smell the coffee. This is not in any way normal. Please run away

madroid · 10/03/2025 22:28

limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:26

He said he never wanted to marry her but had family pressuring him (his mum and dad have been together for 50+ years) and they had kids together. Apparently a small thing at the registry office and they split 6 months after getting married. I think he’s trying to minimise it.

Come on OP grow a backbone. He forgot? What nonsense you don't forget you are already married and agree to marry someone else!

He obviously thinks you are very gullible.... are you?

Original poster
limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:27

@DSquared You’re correct, his ex had to find out through someone else before too. So now it feels like he was purposely hiding it, because apparently his ex reacted badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:26

He said he never wanted to marry her but had family pressuring him (his mum and dad have been together for 50+ years) and they had kids together. Apparently a small thing at the registry office and they split 6 months after getting married. I think he’s trying to minimise it.

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 10/03/2025 22:25

He’s not by any chance received his decree nisi and thought that was it final has he? My friend got a shock when she received her absolute as she genuinely thought she was already divorced, I don’t know how it all works but apparently her ex applied for the absolute the way you are supposed to! In her defence it was a very young very short marriage and it’s funny all these years later!

Original poster
limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:23

Sorry, I made this post then my mum called me and I forgot about it.

We own 0 properties and he owns 0 with his wife. He’s acting like it’s not a big thing, am I overreacting here?

The kids know we are engaged but they were very young when they split so maybe didn’t know either, or just assumed they weren’t married anymore, not sure what they think.

His wife only just found out we are engaged, I don’t have her on facebook, she lives the other side of the country so he only has the kids in half terms / school holidays so the last time we saw her was feb half term.

OP posts:
Newnameshoos · 10/03/2025 22:21

When I got divorced many years ago, I was supposed to have set the ball rolling but was in the process of moving job and house at the end of the waiting period for a no fault one. My ex finally sent me a solicitor's letter about 6 months after, asking if I was going to get on with it, or should he. For me it was out of sight, very much out of mind, but what's his excuse when he's seeing her regularly and parenting together?

DSquared · 10/03/2025 22:20

I would also be concerned it took someone so removed from the situation to let you know. I'd be pretty sure the ex has her own experience with him which is why she gave you the heads up. Might not be the first time he has done this.

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 22:18

I think this is what they mean what it’s like being sucked in by a total narcissist. They have no moral compass, no integrity, no empathy. They are just big black holes of evil intent. I’m kind of glad you found out but you take care of yourself. That’s a big punch in the face.

bakebeans · 10/03/2025 22:17

I know there are some things that people can easily forget but forgetting the fact he is still married is defo not a mistake unless he has a medical diagnosis relating to memory issues