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Original poster

Can't be bothered to meet friend

105 replies

YourChirpyCoralAnt · 10/03/2025 20:00

I have one friend who only ever wants to go to the pub and drink and find men.

I am married. I meet her once a month and cave every time to go to the pub. I have made other suggestions such as dinner etc and she knocks them down in favour of the pub.

It's just not my scene anymore. I wouldn't mind going once there and then the next month for dinner but it's always on her terms.

We are meeting Thursday and I've said adamantly I wish to go for dinner instead and she's just come back saying no, we are going pub.

I dont want to sit and drink wine on a Thursday night in a pub full of teenagers and people and to be honest if my husband had a mate that was constantly on the lookout and bringing women over to the table to join them I wouldn't be too impressed.

Am I being unreasonable if I cancel if she won't at least do my suggestion at least once. 🙄. I just simply don't enjoy that scene anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 11:55

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/03/2025 11:48

@YourChirpyCoralAnt - I think you have nothing to lose by being a bit blunt.

"Enid - we have been to the bloody pub every single time we've met up for ages, because that's what you want to do. It would be really nice if, just once, we could do what I want to do - ie go out for a meal. I have had a very difficult few weeks, and the last thing I want to do is to go to the pub and watch you trying to pick up men.

We always do what you want - it's my turn to choose this time."

If she is actually a good friend, she will accept this, and see how unfair she has been, and if she isn't, she will strop off and you won't have to put up with the pub visits any more.

I said this.

Hey *** was just thinking about Thursday. I really want to have a good catch up and would really love to do that somewhere we can hear each other and have a bottle of wine over a meal. Absolutley will come to the pub with you next time but this time was hoping we could do something a bit more relaxed on this occassion and spend some actual time together. X

She said what's wrong with the pub?

I replied: I just fancy a change and a proper catch up

She replied: we can do that there? It's close to my house for me to get home, is everything ok with you, I'm worried about you getting old with your dinner suggestions

OP posts:
OverthinkingOlive · 11/03/2025 11:53

I do, but if I don't go, I don’t get to see her

And what's the down side?

Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 11:49

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/03/2025 11:48

@YourChirpyCoralAnt - I think you have nothing to lose by being a bit blunt.

"Enid - we have been to the bloody pub every single time we've met up for ages, because that's what you want to do. It would be really nice if, just once, we could do what I want to do - ie go out for a meal. I have had a very difficult few weeks, and the last thing I want to do is to go to the pub and watch you trying to pick up men.

We always do what you want - it's my turn to choose this time."

If she is actually a good friend, she will accept this, and see how unfair she has been, and if she isn't, she will strop off and you won't have to put up with the pub visits any more.

She has indeed stropped off.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/03/2025 11:48

@YourChirpyCoralAnt - I think you have nothing to lose by being a bit blunt.

"Enid - we have been to the bloody pub every single time we've met up for ages, because that's what you want to do. It would be really nice if, just once, we could do what I want to do - ie go out for a meal. I have had a very difficult few weeks, and the last thing I want to do is to go to the pub and watch you trying to pick up men.

We always do what you want - it's my turn to choose this time."

If she is actually a good friend, she will accept this, and see how unfair she has been, and if she isn't, she will strop off and you won't have to put up with the pub visits any more.

Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 11:43

ItGhoul · 11/03/2025 10:54

OP, you keep saying that she insists on only going to the pub and refuses to do anything else.

You do realise you can just say no to all of this, don't you? Why are you repeatedly giving in and continuing to see her? She can't bloody force you to go and sit in a Wetherspoon's every Thursday while she chats up scaffolders, you know. You're an adult who can make choices for yourself. Grow a backbone.

To be honest, it doesn't actually sound like you enjoy her company anyway. You know full well she's using you. I'm not entirely sure why you're still friends at all.

I do. But if I dont go, I don't get to see her.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 11/03/2025 11:03

@YourChirpyCoralAnt my friend who was like this used to chat up men at the bar and then bring them over- as she was late 30s at the time and I was late 50s and married i could almost see the disappointment in their faces!! She left me sat on my own a fair bit too -I just let the friendship fizzle out which was a shame but I just felt used if I'm honest.

ItGhoul · 11/03/2025 10:54

OP, you keep saying that she insists on only going to the pub and refuses to do anything else.

You do realise you can just say no to all of this, don't you? Why are you repeatedly giving in and continuing to see her? She can't bloody force you to go and sit in a Wetherspoon's every Thursday while she chats up scaffolders, you know. You're an adult who can make choices for yourself. Grow a backbone.

To be honest, it doesn't actually sound like you enjoy her company anyway. You know full well she's using you. I'm not entirely sure why you're still friends at all.

MimiGC · 11/03/2025 09:36

She is not the boss of you. She might think she is and you seem to be giving her that impression, by allowing her to always call the shots. Just say no, firmly but politely, and see what happens.

DurinsBane · 11/03/2025 09:25

Fountofwisdom · 11/03/2025 06:47

She has high standards then 🙄 Or does she need her guttering done on the cheap?!

Show quote history

Why are scaffolders low standard?!

Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 09:23

ForRealCat · 11/03/2025 09:08

Not based on the update, but whilst people don't have a duty to matchmake, it is the kind thing to do and introduce people, I don't know why some people are so against it. But I think with the friend she's now in a spiral, she's desperate to meet someone, no one will introduce her to anyone, so she's having to find them herself. And then men she meets in pubs wont be suitable, (as proven in the update.

But honestly, it doesn't really sound like the OP likes her at all.

Show quote history

No, that's not the case.

I am allowed to not want to constantly be going and doing what she wants to do in a situation I am uncomfortable with. Has nothing to do with not liking her.

OP posts:
deeahgwitch · 11/03/2025 09:13

Jeschara · 10/03/2025 20:52

I think you need to tell her she is a user snd selfish. Since when does she tell you with a straight no "we are going to the pub"
I think it is time to let this friendship go, she does not value you.

I agree.

ForRealCat · 11/03/2025 09:08

MarioJumbo · 11/03/2025 09:02

To be fair I I don’t think it’s the OP’s duty to match make

Show quote history

Not based on the update, but whilst people don't have a duty to matchmake, it is the kind thing to do and introduce people, I don't know why some people are so against it. But I think with the friend she's now in a spiral, she's desperate to meet someone, no one will introduce her to anyone, so she's having to find them herself. And then men she meets in pubs wont be suitable, (as proven in the update.

But honestly, it doesn't really sound like the OP likes her at all.

Secondarystruggles · 11/03/2025 09:04

She sounds like a terrible friend. Well not actually a friend at all!

Cancel the night out with her and set up dinner with someone who actually wants to spend time with you. Send your ‘friend’ a link to plenty of fish instead!

MarioJumbo · 11/03/2025 09:02

ForRealCat · 11/03/2025 08:55

Could you ever offer to go out for dinner with you and your DH and him bring a friend? She seems like she really wants to meet someone and thats where all her efforts are going. If you want a nice dinner somewhere, that might be your compromise?

To be fair I I don’t think it’s the OP’s duty to match make

Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 08:58

ForRealCat · 11/03/2025 08:55

Could you ever offer to go out for dinner with you and your DH and him bring a friend? She seems like she really wants to meet someone and thats where all her efforts are going. If you want a nice dinner somewhere, that might be your compromise?

Without sounding like a bitch. She's currently sleeping with a married man (2nd one of the year), whilst chasing round others. My husband doesn't want to introduce her to any of his friends.

OP posts:
ForRealCat · 11/03/2025 08:55

Could you ever offer to go out for dinner with you and your DH and him bring a friend? She seems like she really wants to meet someone and thats where all her efforts are going. If you want a nice dinner somewhere, that might be your compromise?

Serpentstooth · 11/03/2025 08:12

Say to her what you've said to MN. You don't want to go there so won't be going. She sounds like an excitable teen. Give her a couple of alcopops, if such things still exist, and send her on her way.

Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 07:58

Loloj · 11/03/2025 07:36

I could not be doing with this OP - she doesn’t sound like a very good friend. I would let the the friendship fizzle out. There is no compromise on her side. Just say you’re not interested in going to the pub but happy to do x y or z - leave the ball in her court.

I couldn’t think of anything more tedious than sitting in a pub with the objective of attracting male attention.

Honestly I've had quite a traumatic couple of weeks at work and she knows this as well. I just want to sit somewhere relaxed.

OP posts:
Loloj · 11/03/2025 07:36

I could not be doing with this OP - she doesn’t sound like a very good friend. I would let the the friendship fizzle out. There is no compromise on her side. Just say you’re not interested in going to the pub but happy to do x y or z - leave the ball in her court.

I couldn’t think of anything more tedious than sitting in a pub with the objective of attracting male attention.

Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 07:19

Fountofwisdom · 11/03/2025 06:47

She has high standards then 🙄 Or does she need her guttering done on the cheap?!

Show quote history

I hasten to add on our last meet up, had been sat there for an hour or so, her friend called saying she was somewhere else and she asked me to go with her, I said no as I was leaving in 45 mins anyway and she went ok let's just leave it here shall we (not rudely but i was like oh)

OP posts:
Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 07:17

autisticbookworm · 10/03/2025 22:14

Does she have many other friends to socialise with? It sounds like she really wants to meet someone and this is an opportunity to do it. But I agree i would be irritated if my presence was only required to be someone's wing woman.

It's fine to say no/cancel but I'd be considerate that she might be a bit lonely. Had she tried online dating?

About three other single friends whom she goes out with regulaly and they always speak to men. Not like doing it with me is a novelty.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 07:06

PodgePie · 10/03/2025 22:07

I feel a little bit sorry for your friend, I understand you’re happy but maybe she’s looking for the same contentment? Would it be so arduous to give her an hour in a pub & possibly help her find someone?

She has plenty of other people to go out with and quite frankly plenty of men whom she speaks to. I want to catch up with my mate.

OP posts:
FrenzyFriend · 11/03/2025 07:02

Just be honest.

" I'd like to go for dinner for a change, I'm sick of going to the pub every month. If you fancy joining me for dinner, let me know. If not, have a nice night at the pub, I'll see you when I see you "

Simple.

Fountofwisdom · 11/03/2025 06:47

YourChirpyCoralAnt · 11/03/2025 06:32

The pub she only ever wants to go tos clientele is teenagers and scaffolders after work. Always, every time.

Show quote history

She has high standards then 🙄 Or does she need her guttering done on the cheap?!

Fountofwisdom · 11/03/2025 06:45

She’s not a friend, she’s a selfish user. You’ve already told her you don’t like the arrangement and she’s rail-roading you. Just text her back equally assertively and say, “Gloria, I’m not interested in going to the pub any more, so I’m going to have to cancel, sorry.” And then stand your ground.

She only wants you there as a sidekick so she doesn’t look like a sad sack on her own. And if she ever finds a man, she’d drop you like a stone anyway.

Plus - the same local pub every time? Talk about setting your bar low. She’s hardly casting her net wide and it must be the same locals all the time. She’s a bit desperate. Ditch her.