Dh spending lots on daily lunches & coffees

It depends really on how you split your money , the hours he works etc.

For example- my DH is the higher earner and pays most of the bills. I still pay a large amount , a big chunk of my income but not as high a chunk as him but he actually pays more if that makes sense. He has more money left over than me , but he will be the one to buy more treats like takeaways etc . He smokes and that’s not cheap , I don’t smoke . I do the food shopping and I get him certain things that cost more ( certain drinks , an obscene amount of filling on his sandwiches , certain crisps, yoghurts etc ) . Now, no one goes without because of him having this but it does cost me more , I meal prep so my lunches are quite simple. Sometimes he will also get a breakfast ordered in at work or a takeaway on the way home - so he does spend more on himself in that sense . But , I don’t mind this because he works really long hours to provide for us . Whereas I can make a coffee at work whenever I want and have a kitchen to prep food, he is isolated so only really has what he takes with him ( he can’t even make a coffee ) , he works 12 - 14 day followed by a 1-2 hours drive home . I have a 20 minute drive and work 8 hours- with flexibility .

However , if we both worked the same hours / distance and both had a kitchen at work etc then I think I would maybe be a bit miffed if he was having takeaway food and coffee etc each day … but it’s not something I would want to do anyway for myself .

I have a similar issue with my DH. He will spend over £10 a day someday. Average probably £7. Our circumstances changed about 6 months ago and we just can't afford it.

He basically won't do pack lunches. Can't be bothered but personally I think he just feels entitled to buy what he wants while out at work.

However, like yourself doing the foodshop and being extra careful when they are not is infuriating. Or when I check our bank balance before going into the shop and see he has reduced the budget drastically with his breakfast, lunch and snacks is really crap. I have to then cut corners with the whole family food. We have two young children.

I get paid weekly. I could be viewed as being controlling here but I have reduced how much I put into our joint spending account each week (my pay changes and he is not interested is how much I made).

Less being the account has stopped it tbh. He still gets bits and bobs. Which was never an issue. It's the three meals a day basically and snacks. I couldn't spend like that. Why should he.

I basically make two transfers a week now instead of one. He has never been great with money.

Both DP and I are very guilty of this. I am funny about eating the same thing twice in a row, he's a midnight snacker so will eat the leftovers at night anyway. Neither of us have the energy / discipline to prepare anything the night before and I am grossed out by soggy sandwiches. I dread to think how much we could have saved by now.

I expect he’s selfish and entitled in lots of other ways. i bet he passive agrressively lost the lunchboxes because how dare you. Op, try once more perhaps. Take the numbers - him: I don’t spend much. You: yes you do, it’s 400 a month. I don’t feel I can spend $40 a month on things like that for dc and me or for our family. You are choosing to act this way instead of changing so our family can go out together.

could you go back to a full time job? would it earn what he does? you could suggest that and say instant saving of $300 a month since he can live like you do and carefully budget. either way id think of earning more money and keeping it for yourself. like he does, while supported by you.

Why do you need lunch boxs? I’d use paper bags and only boxs if wanting to keep food chilled or hot.

My DH is wfh now but he went from buying lunches to taking food from home when he was in the office. He’d have a box of cans of pop, multi packs of crisps, chocolates, pot noodles in the boot of the car he’s use for work. So if he was running late and didn’t have time to make lunch he always had something. In summer he’d put an ice box in the car to keep things cool.

My DF had a very physical job, every day without fail he’d make a cooked breakfast ( he was an early riser) he’d then make up extra bacon or sausage butties for late morning, sandwiches for late lunch and an abundance of fruit. He also had his flask of coffee, he’d never dream of buying one while out, beer after work on the other hand…

Could you suggest he just buys lunch once a week?

Yes it’s a lot to spend.

I think having a couple of beers after work or a coffee during the day is fine but he does not need to keep buying so much food when he can take his own.

If money is tight perhaps suggest both having a weekly budget and put X away in savings so you can have a holiday or something, instead of focusing on just how much he’s spending.

Do you also work FT?

It’s very difficult telling someone that they can’t spend so much money, especially if they work hard for it but it is normal to both have a budget and keep an eye on finances.

I don’t know how much dh spends on lunches and other personal spends and the same for him knowing about how much I spend, we have separate accounts (aswell as joint ones for bills and savings stuff) - I’d hate to feel
policed With what I decided to spend on lunch. I’m in the office a couple of days a week and mostly go out for lunch. Good excuse to get away from my desk and sometimes go somewhere nice with a colleague.
If we couldn’t afford it and had discussions about needing to make cut backs I’d certainly reduce it to once a week.
He’s being a bit selfish not doing so as you’ve discussed it.

The issue isn't how much he spends for lunches or at the pub, it's that it doesn't fit into the current household budget and is taking from other things.

My priority would be sitting down to create a household budget together (get childcare) that includes all necessities (including groceries) and reasonable family savings first, and then allocates pots for discretionary/fun spending as a family, for him, and for you. Then what he spends his pot on is none of your concern - if he wants to cut down on lunches out to afford cigarettes and pub time or vice versa then so be it. And of course the same goes for you when it comes to personal nice-to-haves and fun spending. The two of you do not need to agree to a reasonable amount for him to spend on lunches out or other specific treats, you just need to look at the household budget and decide what amount is available for your individual discretionary spending.

And then set a calendar appointment to review the budget every 6 months.

YANBU, I’d be horrified by the cost, it adds up to a huge sum!
I generally do buy lunch because I really struggle with preparing food for a 7am start but I spend a fraction of what your DH spends!

I never buy coffee, I take herbal teabags. I’ll buy a meal deal sandwich most days or occasionally a £6 salad but I generally only work 3 long shifts per week with the occasional bank shift and we can comfortably afford that.

I agree with others - I’d add it all up and show him. If he is unwilling to stop or argues then portion out your “own” money each month (that isn’t shared as in bills and shared expenses etc) and he can spend it out of his own allowance if he wants. Sorry if this has been mentioned, only read initial post & few responses. X

I cook enough each night for DH to take for lunch the next day; have you tried that so he’s having a big lunch rather than a sandwich?
you need to take though-$400 a month is too much

Don't specifically mention what he spends.
Just do a spreadsheet of wages and outgoings. And explain you obviously need to make savings somewhere.
Include what he spends daily . And see if he realises that it's the sensible thing to cut back on.
Maybe if its in black and white for him to see he will understand you need him to save money .

You don't need expensive lunch boxes. Make him a big pile of his favourite sandwiches and put in a bag of crisps and a small chocolate bar from supermarket multi packs. Wrap the sandwiches in foil or use an old ice cream carton. If you have time you could also make him a bacon roll to take for a late breakfast then at least he would only buy coffee.
People will say rightly that he should do this prep himself, but that would be another battle and it sounds as if he urgently needs to reduce his costs now.

That’s a lot per day. As a high earner with a long commute, leaving early, I used to buy a snack and lunch but never more than £8-10 a day max, sometimes a lot less. I would feel bad wasting that much when times are hard financially.

Fine if it's from personal spends, not fine if it's from the household budget.
If I have a treat snack when I'm at work then it's from my money and same with OH. I am ridiculously tight with the food shop from the household budget.

If he's been doing this for ever it will be really habitual. I think you probably just need to be a bit more vocal about how unreasonable he's being so it sinks in. It's "only" ~€7 at a time so it probably does seem like hardly anything to him because he isn't adding it up. And the idea of changing a routine he likes that makes his day pleasant will be really unappealing.

Sit down together and go through your bank statement line by line to document where the money is going - how much you're spending on each thing and talk about how much prices have gone up and what DD needs so he is reminded about what the money needs to cover. If going through the bank statements doesn't work, take the same for yourself each day and put it aside. Then he can see the bank balance going down faster and you'll have a stack of cash you can show at the end of the month (either for a treat for you or a family thing).

For lunches to take in - you could try brown paper bags instead of a lunch box? Then it won't matter if it goes missing.

That’s enough for a couple of mini breaks if he stopped buying lunch out. Also less cigarettes and alcohol of course you’d save a lot. I am single, but i’d never waste my hard earned cash on shop bought lunches. I don’t even like supermarket sandwiches, so at the moment I make up a homemade harissa chicken, and spinach pasta and it lasts me 3 days. I cook the harrisa chicken on a sunday, and freeze half, so mid week i’ve got less cooking to do for the other batch. I much prefer knowing i’ve got a tasty lunch. I always have it with a little salad. A creature of habit. Might change to something else in a few months.

Ye're not in Ireland then where the average takeaway coffee is about 4 euro! Whatever about the cigarettes, the pastries and takeaways plus alcohol every day is a disaster for him health wise and wallet wise! I agree with the spreadsheet idea. You could save for a nice holiday or home improvements with the money he's throwing away every year.

Such a waste of money & particularly selfish of him if you’re having to be strict with yourself because he’s sabotaging your joint funds. You need to have a serious conversation with him x

I’d tell him the last line of your OP. How sad that he treats himself every day, 3 times a day (!!) but you could be going as a family instead so you all get treats. He’s being horribly selfish. Do you share finances? If not, you need to ask him for more money.

OP

Why do you think he does this, if he knows it takes a lot of family finance options off the table?

Does he prioritise family and home life in other ways?

It's not just the money, it's also incredibly unhealthy! My husband takes a homemade lunch for his office days, and he's a high earner, so it's not a money thing for us.

Show him. Don't tell him. He can't argue numbers in a spreadsheet.

You could even get him to suggest the amount the you are each allocated since he doesn’t think he spends that much

My husband and used to pay everything out of our joint account, but we saw stuff like this creeping up.
starting having a ‘fun fund’ card each for things like lunch and coffees at work, hair cuts, gym etc. Transferred £300 each a month and soon got it under control. £5 doesn’t seem like a lot when it’s in amongst everything else in the joint account, but it sure takes a chunk out of £300 if it’s every day 🤷‍♀️