Is it ever ok to message the OW

Ouch that’s harsh

He’s the home wrecker. She owed you nothing.

There's a lot of things that seem like a good idea at the time and this is one of those. I think, much as it's niggling at you, you have have to remember a) the OW is not your friend and b) she is under no obligation to tell you anything. Knowing the truth isn't going to change anything or make anything better. She will find out who he really is soon enough. Gather up the remains of your self esteem and move on - you deserve better.

As tempting as this is it probably wont help anything, Ive done it myself and it was awful, she knew all about me, didnt care and was vile to me so just made things worse really.
Sorry OP wish you the best

With the greatest of softness, the OW isn't the one who did you dirty.

Even if she knew he was married, she owed you nothing, regardless if you think she did you wrong, she wasn't the one breaking vows.

You can't change the past, you can't unsent the message, but be kind to yourself and don't message her again.

Thankfully she behaved with dignity and has not lowered herself to your level and replied.

That is unnecessarily unkind.

Nothing OP has said suggests the OW has any kind of right to the moral high ground or that OP has "lowered herself".

OP is obviously still grieving the end of her relationship, so why kick her when she is down? Messaging the OW was unwise (as OP concedes), but it doesn't mean she has "lowered herself" neither does the OW's lack of response make her some kind of beacon of dignity or goodness.

OP - you know messaging that woman was the wrong thing to do, but it's perfectly understandable and many of us have done silly things when we are hurt. Forgive yourself and move on. I hope you feel better soon. Many of us have been in your position and understand the hurt you are feeling. ❤

There is no right answer to your question, and the responses you get from people on-line are not going to be consistent as everyone comes with their own experience and own agenda.

What's done is done. It doesn't matter. Time to move on.

I don’t see why you shouldn’t message the OW on a one-off basis. I’ve had the OW message me. Although it pretty much tore my world apart, I was pleased to know the truth and I believe she felt great relief in telling me what had been going on. OW’s don’t like being stashed (who does), I think it’s more that the moment she probably wanted to tell you ‘everything’ has passed. You seem to know the truth, there was a crossover period, I’m pretty sure your hunch may be correct. Ultimately my hunch was correct, my only advice is you don’t get the satisfaction you think you might from plundering the details and matching up the timelines/duplicity.

Bit bloody harsh there. In all likelihood the OP was cheated on and the ow, assuming she knew, was complicit in the harm done. There's absolutely nothing "dignified" about that.

What it shows is that you had and still have no idea when this started. Which is the truth. It implies you thought everything was going along normally or at the least - you were not in a situation where you thought he was being unfaithful. He will have told her lots about why he had to be unfaithful. At least she knows you were blindsided and still confused.
Theres no loss of dignity from you - you were just trying to work out facts when he was lying.

You can’t ignore the how’s and why’s and they will eat away at you for a long time. You are trying to make sense of it so you can move forward.

Obviously don’t follow it up. But one question on its own - and left like that - is restrained and dignified. You asked, she didn’t answer, you will find ways to move on.

What you can guarantee is that she will never 100% trust him.

Hi Op, I can totally see how you've done this drunkenly or not as others have said we sit stewing just wanting to make sense of things. I'm not going to lie I've been unfortunate enough to have been in a similar position twice a few years back and I messaged both 🤦‍♀️ first one gave me dribs and drabs of information but then turned out to be some raving druggy who wanted paying for the information so I told her to do one the second one I just knew there was something going on and I found the proof of the now ex partners phone.. I took her number and messaged her off my phone as at one point we were supposed to be 'friends'. She didn't reply to me but she did message my then partner freaking out I'd messaged her and how on earth I'd found out ect! Months later she messaged me some BS excuses as to why she did it, I returned the favour by not replying this time 😏 she lied through her teeth anyway!

In time OP it does get easier but a year in, it can still feel rather 'raw'.

I hope your ok x

It doesn't matter how.

Your relationship is in the past. Going over the hows and whys is only going to hurt you.

I don't think it's worth it - as tempting as it may be. I may have done it myself if I had had the OW's number.

They will almost certainly gaslight you, you probably won't get the answers you're looking for, it could add to the whole 'my ExW is crazy' narrative and bring the Ex and the OW closer together with you as the 'enemy in common'.

I also think it could look a little desperate and undignified.

So sorry you are going through this. I had a friend in a similar situation but the potential 'OW' stuck to the story of 'we got together after you split up' nonsense & didn't want to talk BUT when he left her she made contact with ex wife & 'wanted to talk'. Ex wife (my friend) just ignored & blocked her. In my view it's incredibly cruel to not be honest as the ex wife was re living the situation over & over & it almost sent her mad.

I imagine you texted this woman to try & get some form of closure. I believe the deceipt if it was an affair is just as hurtful as the idea of them sleeping together. Regardless if it was an affair neither of them would admit to it. The fact there was no reply to say it definitely wasn't means it's more likely it was cheating on both parts. Let cheats stick together. I've no respect for those who enter into illicit relationships when still married. The least they can do is end their prospective marriages first. Move on OP & enjoy your newly found freedom💃😀

She's equally likely not to be replying because he's spun her the crazy ex yarn and she doesn't want a stalker on her hands. Or because she (correctly) thinks the OPs former relationship with her partner is none of her business. Or because she has nothing to tell the OP that could help her and doesnt want to add to her pain. The only thing anyone knows for sure here is that the guy ended his relationship with OP to be with her, either with or without some crossover. Nothing the woman can tell OP will change that so there's no happy outcome for OP.

A totally human reaction to text her, OP.

She’s clearly too embarrassed to answer.

She's probably not replying because she knows she's in the wrong. Don't waste any more time on her OP, she's got what she deserves.

Same.

That’s a really shitty thing to say to the OP.