Is it ever ok to message the OW

That’s so not true. Lots of people leave relationships just because they’re not in love and unhappy, doesn’t have to be abuse or another person involved.

I think it's nonsense to say a single woman or man owes nothing to the betrayed spouse. We all owe it to everyone else not to deliberately set out to cause them harm. They are complicit. They are not solely to blame, they are not the evil tempter (though it's interesting to me that women are often treated sympathetically if they have been seduced or love bombed into poor decisions but in this area we refuse to accept that woman may have done similar to a man in the name of not blaming women for men's mistakes). Clearly the married person carries a greater burden of "guilt" but if a person knowingly involves themselves with a married person, helps them lie, messages them when they are know they are at home, often joins in in the disparagement of the spouse, encouraging negative feelings to grow, they absolutely are complicit.

when I discovered my husbands affair O sent a message from his account to her saying “how nice to discover my husband is cheating on me at Christmas.” So they both got it to their phones. I asked to meet her a month or so later when we were at his work and he asked her and she refused and basically told him never to speak to her again as she was scared to meet me.

she knew he was married before the affair began. She just didn’t want to see whose life they had destroyed.

I don’t think it matters whether it’s right or not to message the other woman. She has been a part of destroying your life and fuck her feelings. Say what you need to say. And heal.

A well explained 'opinion' although again one I don't agree with. If I'm correct you are suggesting when a woman knowingly has an affair with a married man with children she should take no responsibility when the wife finds out & subsequently ends the marriage therefore breaking up the family home.

The fact the marriage ended due to illicit liaisons with another woman with the other woman placing no importance on the consequences means they are both homewreckers. The sensible thing is for the woman to take charge & say "I have no intentions of being with you until you can prove beyond doubt you are 'both' seeking a divorce"

Hope you're ok OP. I can understand why you messaged OW: you just wanted some answers. I messaged OW but that was once...when bailiffs showed up at my place at 6am looking for my then H. I (cried all over the bailiffs as it was pretty early days of me finding out and then..) was trying to contact him about it (he wouldn't tell me where they lived, so I couldn't just pass on an address to the bailiffs) as I didn't want bailiffs on my door. He wasn't picking the phone up to me (despite us having DC), and I knew he was with her. The reason I had her number was because she'd been my friend for many years (who knew fine well we were married as she'd been to my hen and the wedding!). They (XH and OW) were both evil to me when they were together.

FWIW, I dearly wanted to tell her exactly what I thought of her (I'd already told XH what I thought of him when I found out), and just ask her why...but I didn't...until about 4 months later. He apparently cheated on her, they had a massive fall out and split up...and both came whinging to me about it (via message). He wanted to come back to me, I told him where to go. She was trying to glean some sympathy and support from me (because she was heartbroken), and that's when I told her exactly what I thought of her, and that she could keep him. I gave it to them both with both barrels (didn't swear, remained icily polite but extremely blunt) and it was bloody glorious.

Another FWIW....yes XH was the main culprit, and he was the one who made the marriage vows to me...but OW knew us both (and knew our DC), saw us/our mutual friendship group regularly and had been at our bloody wedding, so she was hardly an innocent party.

The issue is though that the term ‘homewrecker’ is almost exclusively applied to the women with whom the married man has had the affair, except on occasions when it’s co-opted in the way that you have. It’s a term that for decades (maybe longer?) had been used to punish women disproportionately while taking the heat off appalling male behaviour. It’s been part of a culture that’s normalised the idea that men’s sexual desire is somehow boundless and we can’t expect all of them to control it all of the time. While I understand why you’ve called both parties here ‘homewreckers’, it’s very hard to neutralise a sexist term simply through attempts to apply it to the other sex, because the reality is that it’s highly unlikely to shed its original, loaded meaning.

I agree that having an affair with a married man is ill-advised and less than commendable for many reasons, but I strongly disagree that this makes the (usually) single woman a ‘homewrecker’. The man is solely responsible for his own home and any wrecking thereof.

No such thing as a homewrecker if it’s meant in the sense of a single woman getting into a relationship with a married/partnered man. That’s a sexist, retrograde term designed to focus the condemnation and scrutiny that comes with cheating on an often unmarried woman, at the expense of focusing on the real source of the problem in terms of the impact on his own family - the married man. If we’re ever to achieve genuine equality, part of which is having higher expectations of the behaviour of a significant portion of the male population, then it’s essential that we avoid terms which position women in that way. The only person with any responsibility to you in this situation (as the way I read it, she wasn’t a friend of yours) was your husband. He wrecked his own home.

Never heard of this 'rule', but I'd be damned if I'd allow anyone to tell me which adults I am or am not 'allowed' to contact. Of course you can ask. Now, I wouldn't expect any good to come of it, and you're probably better off pretending she's fallen off the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again, but I understand the impulse. If she's had a hand in breaking up your marriage, she shouldn't be surprised if there are some awkward moments in her future.

Meh, we all do stupid things when we’re feeling low. It wasn’t your finest hour. Draw a line under it and move on.

Don't go down this rabbit-hole. You've already split, it's not going to change, it will only cause you heartache and drama if you don't get the answer you want.

If you got the answer and I'm late to the party, then I hope it doesn't negatively effect you. Let it go.

More likely that she was too embarrassed to reply to you knowing full well that she was having a relationship with someone already in a relationship! No dignity in that at all.

Op all you have done is make her feel really uncomfortable. Good. She will moan to your ex they will both be uncomfortable good. Not nearly as uncomfortable as they made you feel.

Why do you think oral herpes is rarely an STD?

What on earth is a “Herpes appointment”?

How is she a home wrecker?

Your partner left you. Because he wanted to leave you.

In the circumstances in which you messaged her - no it was not ok. But you know that. I get it though, the pain of separation, him rapidly moving on, alcohol….

But focus on letting go and moving on. Even if it started when you were together - how will that help you knowing that?

And delete her number (why do you have it?)

Blocking you OP is blocking his children. The other woman if she had any sense of decency would insist he kept in touch with you if only for the children. You can relax now knowing this debacle is not your fault. The chickens will come home to roost when he realises what he's missing in his life. Stay strong 💪

Maybe the penny finally dropped that he’s just a shit person.

I was cheated on in two occasions and very different circumstances. With the one that was just a horrid person (he just pulled up with the OW one day and… moved her in) I moved on so much faster: I was hurt and shocked, but mostly relieved that he was someone else’s problem.

They will have done all sorts behind your back. You can ask OW whatever the hell you want .

(Apologies for the trash talk)

'This has been done to death on here and there's no need to do it again but the idea that you can knowingly act in a way that contributes to immense emotional and practical damage to another person and sometimes children and not be seen as anything other than culpable (not solely or jointly or a certain %) but to some degree is depressing. It doesn't let the man off the hook or in any way lessen the blame attached to him to also assign some to the ow.'

Exactly. I'd bet the 'I had no idea she/he was married' flings are a tiny minority.