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Original poster

Is it ever ok to message the OW

242 replies

Dorothyy · 10/03/2025 10:49

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 10/03/2025 11:20

Dorothyy · 10/03/2025 11:14

Nothing dignified about a home wrecker though

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I agree, but I think op you need to focus on where your anger should be directed which is your ex. IF he cheated (which is a big if) then while yes she's involved- he's the one who's broken vows and wrecked his family. The hard bit in this is that you really don't know if that was the case. It could even be that they fancied each other but didn't act on it until he ended the marriage.

I've been in your shoes with this and it's absolutely awful but in reality you've no way of knowing for sure (neither did i) but I took it that if he'd cheated then I was better off without and she was welcome to him.

The only person really you should be focusing on is yourself. It's been 12 months so maybe counselling might help you close this door for yourself- it definitely helped me.

JandamiHash · 10/03/2025 11:18

It was rather silly but I think understandable.

And IME people NEVER leave non-abusive marriages unless there’s someone waiting in the wings. I can’t tell you how many people I know who’ve left their OH and magically got it on with a colleague a few weeks down the line.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 10/03/2025 11:15

Dorothyy · 10/03/2025 11:14

Nothing dignified about a home wrecker though

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Exactly. However if he is the cheating sort then you're well rid, I wouldn't waste anymore headspace on a man like this.

Original poster
Dorothyy · 10/03/2025 11:14

ColourBlueColourPurple · 10/03/2025 11:12

How has the OP lowered herself to any level? Ridiculous.

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Nothing dignified about a home wrecker though

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothyy · 10/03/2025 11:14

Chuchoter · 10/03/2025 11:11

She could lie and say yes he was cheating on you with her if she's the bitchy sort!

Or she could lie and say no she wasn't when he was!

You have absolutely no idea that she could be telling the truth or what her motives are!

Thankfully she behaved with dignity and has not lowered herself to your level and replied.

Thanks for that 🫣 you’re probably right

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 10/03/2025 11:13

I don’t think it often brings you the outcome you’re hoping for. Clearly it wasn’t a happy relationship, and you’ve been separated for a while now: does it really matter whether there was crossover between your relationship ending and their’s beginning? Would you have suddenly believed it if she’d told you there wasn’t, anyway? Probably not.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 10/03/2025 11:12

Chuchoter · 10/03/2025 11:11

She could lie and say yes he was cheating on you with her if she's the bitchy sort!

Or she could lie and say no she wasn't when he was!

You have absolutely no idea that she could be telling the truth or what her motives are!

Thankfully she behaved with dignity and has not lowered herself to your level and replied.

How has the OP lowered herself to any level? Ridiculous.

Chuchoter · 10/03/2025 11:11

She could lie and say yes he was cheating on you with her if she's the bitchy sort!

Or she could lie and say no she wasn't when he was!

You have absolutely no idea that she could be telling the truth or what her motives are!

Thankfully she behaved with dignity and has not lowered herself to your level and replied.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 10/03/2025 11:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

She may or may not be entirely innocent if it was going on when the OP and her husband were still together.

Original poster
Dorothyy · 10/03/2025 11:09

I’m just really struggling to work out how they can be together now after me questioning him and he was obviously lying to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothyy · 10/03/2025 11:07

Chocaholic1216 · 10/03/2025 11:03

I can totally get why you would have wanted to message her (I’ve been in a similar situation and was desperate to speak to her to try and get all the facts in my head about what really went on to gain some closure). I don’t think it’s a good idea though as the OW will likely just not respond and it will make you feel ten times worse

Yes I feel really shitty about it. I’ll never do it again, I just wanted to know and had had a few drinks, no more wine for me.

OP posts:
Chocaholic1216 · 10/03/2025 11:03

I can totally get why you would have wanted to message her (I’ve been in a similar situation and was desperate to speak to her to try and get all the facts in my head about what really went on to gain some closure). I don’t think it’s a good idea though as the OW will likely just not respond and it will make you feel ten times worse

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 10/03/2025 11:01

I think there are times when this might be appropriate eg "hi, I'm X's wife - did you know he was married?"
I think there are times where it is not appropriate eg. 12 months after a break up when your relationship is over and it won't achieve anything to know either way.

Alaimo · 10/03/2025 10:55

The only possible circumstance where it might be okay is if you're concerned for the OW's welfare/if your ex has a history of domestic violence.

In your case: absolute not.

Icanttakethisanymore · 10/03/2025 10:52

You can message whoever you like but I would kindly suggest that messaging her won't help you move on and that's what you should be focusing on. Delete her details or do whatever you need to do to ensure you are not tempted again and focus on your future.

Peppercorncrunch · 10/03/2025 10:51

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Peppercorncrunch · 10/03/2025 10:51

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