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Original poster

Should I cancel elopement plans?

317 replies

PlumHiker · 09/03/2025 21:03

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

OP posts:
IdrisElbow · 10/03/2025 08:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EmmaMaria · 10/03/2025 08:11

How unreasonable of the OP to consider getting married in the same decade as her sister; and she should have planned her baby better so that her sisters baby celebrated its 21st birthday before she announced a pregnancy.

Honestly, some of the reples on this thread are utterly insane. The world does not revolve around the OP's sister, despite the fact that she obviously thinks it does. OP, do what you want. Apart from anything else, you have a child to consider, and the standard advice on this site is to ensure that you are married ... apart from when your sister is getting married in the same year, apparently.

BlondiePortz · 10/03/2025 08:11

I would think it was lovely if someone were close too announced nice news like a wedding or baby etc. At the same time as us, why is life a competition in here?

Why couldn't we share their news?

Jeschara · 10/03/2025 08:10

Sorry about the duplication.

Jeschara · 10/03/2025 08:09

Your partner is right,go ahead with your plans your sister is pathetic and childish. She sounds a show off and thinks she is the centre of the Universe. As for being upset you annoyed your pregnancy the same week she had her baby, so what it is a happy event one to be shared.

Your sister sounds like an attention seeking show off. Thank God no one in my family has that mentality. Don't change your plans just because of your sisters ego.@

Jeschara · 10/03/2025 08:09

Your partner is right,go ahead with your plans your sister is pathetic and childish. She sounds a show off and thinks she is the centre of the Universe. As for being upset you annoyed your pregnancy the same week she had her baby, so what it is a happy event one to be shared.

Your sister sounds like an attention seeking show off. Thank God no one in my family has that mentality. Don't change your plans just because of your sisters ego.

Biglifedecisions · 10/03/2025 08:08

I just don’t get this ‘thunder stealing’ mentality at all. People get married, have babies all of the time. If everyone waited to coordinate where would we be?! It is attention seeking to want others to put THEIR own lives on hold so you can be in the full limelight for a YEAR.

So your sister is being bloody ridiculous, quite frankly.

I would get married quietly if this is what I wanted and tell them in January next year. Are you really wanting an elopement and why if you are close to your family? I would be so sad to miss such an important day.

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 10/03/2025 08:08

You’ve been together 15 years and now all of a sudden there’s this urgent desperate need to get married….

whatsappdoc · 10/03/2025 08:06

SwerveCity · 10/03/2025 06:54

OP, just wait a bit longer if you don’t want her falling out with you. You’ve been together 15 years already. Your sister obviously wants to one up you by getting wed first.

Edited

Interesting take. If anything it's the other way round!

Eviebeans · 10/03/2025 08:06

If you were being completely honest, were you competing with each other as children and
when you made your pregnancy announcement did all eyes turn from your sister and her baby to focus on you and your news?
In some families people would be so excited to hear that their sibling was also going to become a parent so it’s hard to say

friskybivalves · 10/03/2025 08:04

BrownPapery · 10/03/2025 07:43

Honestly, threads like this are like another world. It wouldn’t cross my mind to be anything other than thrilled if my sister announced her pregnancy shortly after I’d had a baby. Good news on top of good news, what’s not to like? Likewise the marriage.

It’s all extremely odd- as if getting married and having a baby are primarily things you do because you want lots of ATTENTION.

I wouldn’t change my plans at all. Your sister sounds like a fruitloop and even if you did order your life as she ordains you’d inevitably end up doing something wrong anyway, maybe giving birth the week she had had a minor promotion or buying a house the same week she had a fringe cut. Who can be dealing with that?

I know. It's like living in a parallel universe isn't it. I can only think this is why the TV soaps are so marmite. Half of us think the plots are WTAF but some people are gripped and nodding along, thinking: 'Yes, entirely reasonable that you'd stab your sister and run over her lifeless body in the wedding car for having eloped two months ago.'

CautiousLurker01 · 10/03/2025 08:03

RampantIvy · 10/03/2025 06:42

Why would a low key elopement impinge on her sister's wedding? I really don't get it.

Show quote history

I don’t either. There is absolutely no reason why, having got married, Op shouldn’t wear her wedding ring at the wedding either. Or pop a whatsapp to say ‘btw Mr OP and I cemented our 15year relationship this weekend and are really happy. Looking forward to seeing you all at DSis’s amazing day in two months’, is there?

I mean, if you were planning on arriving at the wedding in a white dress/tiara and ‘just married’ sash, then yes it’ll be out of order, but DSis doesn’t own the wedding calendar for 2025.

Zanatdy · 10/03/2025 08:03

I am astounded so many people are of the opinion announcing births and getting married in the same year is thunder stealing. Honestly people need to get a grip and move out of their childhood as it’s pathetic. Live your life how you want. No you shouldn’t have to delay your own wedding as your sister feels she owns this year for weddings.

storminabuttercup · 10/03/2025 07:58

@CaptainFuture - my post made no sense at all did it? 😂

OOlivePenderghast · 10/03/2025 07:58

I think the issue is everyone will be congratulating you on her wedding day. Even if you only tell your parents, I’m sure it will get out on the day. So I think you should elope after the wedding or tell absolutely no one about it until afterwards (including your sister, parents and in-laws).

StillLifeWithEggs · 10/03/2025 07:56

And PS, your sister sounds like a total loon. Getting married is a deeply usual thing, ditto having a baby. It doesn’t book you a news cycle of family ‘limelight’.

StillLifeWithEggs · 10/03/2025 07:55

crockofshite · 09/03/2025 21:57

Get married.

Don't tell anyone.

Simples.

Yes. That’s what we did. It leaked out five years later, as I’d genuinely forgotten we hadn’t told anyone!

hopesforsummer · 10/03/2025 07:53

@LoveFridaynight

"Yeah I agree with this. You can surely wait another year if you've already waited 15 years.
It does sound like you want to overshadow your sister however you can.
Or get married and keep quiet for a few months after her wedding."

So you can't get married the same year as your relative for fear of stealing the limelight?!? That's ridiculous it's not a royal wedding!

CaptainFuture · 10/03/2025 07:52

storminabuttercup · 10/03/2025 07:47

Ahh ffs I meant presumably you're NOT going to take a photo album
Not quite awake this morning

Ah! 😆 although can imagine that being an 'AIBU to take my wedding photo album to pass around at my dsis' wedding'!

Keepingthingsinteresting · 10/03/2025 07:51

MoosakaWithFries · 09/03/2025 22:44

I can't believe how people are so sensitive about this. I just couldn't get worked up about this.

If my DSIS announced her pregnancy around the time I gave birth I would be so bloody happy for her.

The same as the wedding. The OP is eloping and on the other side of the world. It's hardly two weddings to attend and compare within 2 months.

MN is full of posters saying 'don't have kids without being married', of which I completely agree. Now for the sake of stealing your DSIS thunder it's a no from some.

Exactly this, if they broke up all the women would have been saying how crazy she was to have a baby without being married but now a wedding is in the offing they are ll going mad 🙄.
@PlumHiker if you were doing all the same people etc I can see how she might feel “competed with” but you aren’t. Get married when you plan, if you want to pander to her don’t announce it, just tell your parents quietly after the event but presumably before you fly home ( by which time your sister will hopefully have fucked off on honeymoon so can’t get offended).

YourTealSquid · 10/03/2025 07:48

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2025 22:38

Fucking baby bubbles and special days. It’s all such bollocks.

Quite!

storminabuttercup · 10/03/2025 07:47

Ahh ffs I meant presumably you're NOT going to take a photo album
Not quite awake this morning

BrownPapery · 10/03/2025 07:47

Never2many · 10/03/2025 07:17

TBH whenever I hear of someone getting married after having been together for decades i can’t help but think that it’s all just a business transaction anyway and so not really anything to get excited about.

you’re together, you have a child, nobody really cares at this point if you’re married or not, so it strikes me that you want to do this and make an announcement to overshadow your sister.

I’ve known three people who have got married after over a decade (and children) together who have strangely then been divorced within a year. Make of that what you will.

My sister found out she was pregnant about two weeks before I gave birth and didn’t tell anyone for a couple of weeks after precisely because they didn’t want to make it about them.

Such an unpleasant post.

Never2many · 10/03/2025 07:46

PlumHiker · 10/03/2025 07:36

I was actually passed 12 weeks, hence my in laws knowing as I had my scan whilst they were here. I'd also spoken to my sister before telling my parents and she told me to go for it and was so excited for them to know so she could finally talk about it (I'd told her about a month before).

Show quote history

It may be that your sister was genuinely happy for you at the time and didn’t consider it to be an issue.

But now you’re wanting to elope just before her wedding she’s suddenly realised that you seem to always get in there first.

I mean once doesn’t seem that big a deal.

Twice is a bit deliberate.

Original poster
PlumHiker · 10/03/2025 07:44

Never2many · 10/03/2025 07:17

TBH whenever I hear of someone getting married after having been together for decades i can’t help but think that it’s all just a business transaction anyway and so not really anything to get excited about.

you’re together, you have a child, nobody really cares at this point if you’re married or not, so it strikes me that you want to do this and make an announcement to overshadow your sister.

I’ve known three people who have got married after over a decade (and children) together who have strangely then been divorced within a year. Make of that what you will.

My sister found out she was pregnant about two weeks before I gave birth and didn’t tell anyone for a couple of weeks after precisely because they didn’t want to make it about them.

You're totally entitled to your opinion and whilst I disagree that it's a business transaction for us, I do agree that no one should really care if we're married or not. Hence my naivety at sharing my 'secret' with my closest person - my sister. I also have no intention of announcing it to anyone after.

I was passed 12 weeks before I shared my pregnancy announcement, so had already held on to the news for 7 weeks before telling my parents. And to confirm also I didn't do a "big announcement" it was literally a video call to my parents to let them know the news before they went on a big holiday with their friends and I wouldn't get a chance to speak to them privately for almost 4 weeks.

OP posts:
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