Should I cancel elopement plans?

I don't understand where you are coming from with this. It's not like they are getting married the day before her sister.

I think the sister seems to have a strange attitude. Not one I recognise at all. She should be happy that her sister is being happy.

Can't understand this "stealing the thunder" stuff. It's life. Get on with it.

We also haven’t descended to disingenuous ‘but I don’t understaaaaaaand’ so there’s that as well….

Hmm I can see this point but I just can't imagine it being a massive thing even if you did mention it at a wedding. There's a lot of chatting at weddings, surely it'd just be -

"Oh we actually got married a few months ago, you know we'd been meaning to get round to it for a while."

"Oh, that's nice, congratulations. So how's work?"

If you present it in a low key way I don't think anyone would get terribly excited by it anymore than if you mentioned you'd got a new job or were thinking about moving house. It's not going to be a surprise and she's hardly going to stand up and make a speech.

I'm sure all the limelight would remain on on the people who are actually holding the party - weddings are really designed to do that, aren't they?

This

But the OP is getting married quietly with no guests other than their baby. She’s hardly ‘trying to outdo’ anyone!

Well obviously they both want to outdo each other but the sisters wedding is the one that’s already booked and arranged, not the OP’s.

Live your own life. Get married, don't tell anyone, especially don't tell AT THE WEDDING.

Live your own life, get married.

What happens if DP gets hit by a bus and you didn't get married because "sisters wedding" fk that, live your life as YOU want. For you.

But don't tell anyone BEFORE or AT THE wedding...

What does it actually say ?

And I think it’s a side effect of a bloated wedding industry to view a big party as some kind of moment of ‘permitted’ limelight-hogging.

I can’t help wondering if it’s a British cultural thing— ‘looking for attention’ always seems to be viewed as a virtual crime on here, and a wedding day seems to be the one permitted event when apparently that’s fine, and there are perfectly serious discussions on how pale a dress you can legitimately wear to a wedding without it looking as if you’re ’taking attention away from the bride.’ (The groom, apparently, is completely fine with being visually indistinguishable from any groomsmen or other male guests.) I mean, I love a bit of attention, but it’s pretty depressing to be taking this Your One Big Day stuff so literally. Especially when it’s a ruse to get you to spend money on chair covers and wedding ice cream vans.

Well, nobody pointing out that it’s a bit odd the OP is going to be seizing the attention on multiple significant days in her sister’s life has descended to personal insults towards other posters.

Says a lot, really.

In my opinion your sister sounds like an unreasonable insecure narcissist. Live your life as you want to live it OP, you only get one after all

Is this post a wind up?

@PlumHiker , is your sister older or younger than you? Is her fear that you'll 'get there first'? It seems like she's competing with you (even if you're not engaged in competition). Why would she be doing that? From where does her insecurity come?

What is this obsession with being the centre of attention?

It seems to me there are several narcissistic attention seekers on this thread defending the bonkers sister.

It’s your life and no one else’s business. It’s fine to marry in secret. You don’t ever have to tell anyone.

But I don’t think you should have told your sister your secret when she has a big wedding coming up. She must already be under a lot of stress and could probably do with your support. Knowing your secret plans puts her in an impossible situation, having to keep it to herself or confide in other people, because it’s affected her, and risk this news clashing with her wedding. Even if not intended, it could come across as you trying to get in first with a wedding.

If you wanted a secret wedding, you should have kept it secret.

I’d delay it and apologise to your sister for by insensitive by telling her.

Which illustrates that if the whole point is just to get married with no fuss, there is no need to ‘discreetly’ tell people and ‘coincidently’ (still don’t think it’s a coincidence in the OP’s case) take attention off the sibling having a big wedding on their wedding day.

I think you should do what you like and tell people or not as and when you want to.

We're about to get married in private a few months before my brother's big wedding, but we're not going to tell anyone. For us, after over a decade together and two children, yes it is a bit of admin rather than a dramatic statement. Everyone already knows we love each other and are in a committed long term relationship - it's bloody obvious! And it's got nothing to do with my brother - in our case it was actually a health emergency that promptly us to finally go ahead and get it sorted out.

And you will notice I suggested op goes ahead with the elopement plans but delays the announcement until after sisters wedding.
You may not agree with that suggestion. However, I do not think sister is unreasonable to express her desire to have one experience that's only about her.

And she wants ‘one day’ and not to end up sharing that day with her sister as it turns into a wedding reception for both of them.

It’s interesting how people are saying it’s the sister who is suffering ‘main character syndrome’ when is seems to be the OP who is somehow being forced to yank the limelight back on herself and away from her sister at every major life event.

SHE GETS 1 DAY

Surely an elopement is supposed to be secret. Just do it an don't tell anyone

The only correct response to a sister announcing she's pregnant, is "That's wonderful! A cousin for my little one!"
When I was I one week post partum I really couldn't have cared less about anyone stealing my thunder.
Your sister is suffering from main character syndrome.
Your sensible plan to get married and crack on with baby number two is more important than her fantasies.
Elope, get pregnant, then tell everyone. Don't "spoil her big day"+
but don't change your plans. You would be mad to delay getting pregnant because your sister, on the other side of the world, thinks it's not your turn yet.

• Or not, two months should be enough time for her to grow up/ get over it. Frankly I think she is being ridiculous.

I feel like it must be just inside families with deep seated issues, like parents pitting the children against each other or somehow an environment of competitiveness, as I’m exactly the same - surely the pregnancy announcement is a moment for joy! The only moment I think to wait is perhaps if they’d just announced their pregnancy? But even then I think it’s pretty unfair to have to keep your own pregnancy a secret and not get any congratulations just because your sister got pregnant first!

Complete drama when not required. How hard is it, given the situation, to get married as planned but then wait 6 months or so after sisters wedding to tell people. You say it’s not possible in case it ‘slips out’ at sisters wedding but how would that be possible given you/DH/young child can’t talk will be the only ones that know?

The pregnancy announcement was not that great and the reason given is really an excuse for not being thoughtful. No need to tell in-laws and parents at exactly the same time. All this ‘must be exactly equal’ quaff is like a 3yo. Surely, common sense says give it a few weeks then text/social media your parents to ask them to give you a quick call once they are back in their room that night. I’m guessing, when they went away with another couple, they were not all sleeping in one room?