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Original poster

Should I cancel elopement plans?

317 replies

PlumHiker · 09/03/2025 21:03

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/03/2025 00:45

It wouldn't bother me, but I can understand why she is upset.

Your pregnancy announcement possible overshadowed her DD's birth.

I'd wait for two months after her wedding, after 15 years, its no time.

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 00:41

PlumHiker · 09/03/2025 23:41

I can see both sides too which is why I am so torn!

I won't lie to her but I won't actively bring it up again.

I am not planning to change my name publicly, or my online relationship status (!) and honestly her wedding is going to be so hectic for us we will literally only see the wider family for one day so it's not going to be a problem not saying anything. They are all sick of asking me when I'm getting married anyway! Our child is also too young to speak so there's no chance of them spilling the beans.

We've never had any issues as a family or fall outs so this is been a big thing for me - not helped by time difference and physical distance as we can't just have a good chat in person.

I hope everything works out great for you. Happy and healthy everything. Good luck

crockofshite · 09/03/2025 23:49

SheridansPortSalut · 09/03/2025 22:54

I worry that if you do this it'll end up coming out on or near the day of her wedding, which would be really poor form.

Would you leave your rings off for the whole trip? Would you lie if people ask about your wedding plans? You family won't like being lied to. It would come back to bite you.

You've been together 15 years and already have a child. There's no rush.

Show quote history

Don't tell anyone.
Don't wear a wedding ring
Don't change your name.

Honestly it's so bloody simple.

If anyone asks about wedding plans, say - we have no wedding plans. It won't be a lie.

HeyDoodie · 09/03/2025 23:47

Can’t see the issue with letting your family know about your pregnancy or getting married close to the same date. It’s just life. People do things. Is your sister a bit of an attention seeker?

Original poster
PlumHiker · 09/03/2025 23:41

I can see both sides too which is why I am so torn!

I won't lie to her but I won't actively bring it up again.

I am not planning to change my name publicly, or my online relationship status (!) and honestly her wedding is going to be so hectic for us we will literally only see the wider family for one day so it's not going to be a problem not saying anything. They are all sick of asking me when I'm getting married anyway! Our child is also too young to speak so there's no chance of them spilling the beans.

We've never had any issues as a family or fall outs so this is been a big thing for me - not helped by time difference and physical distance as we can't just have a good chat in person.

OP posts:
Gowlett · 09/03/2025 23:39

I’d be inclined to respect your sister’s feelings.

Why not have your elopement after her wedding?

treesocks23 · 09/03/2025 23:33

PlumHiker · 09/03/2025 23:10

Just quoting this so I can reply - not singling out.

Thanks for all the responses, has given me a lot to think about. For the poster who suggested waiting 6 weeks to announce - my in laws were here and already knew. My parents and family would have been upset if I had held on to the news so we really couldn't win there. I think anyone with overseas family knows the struggle with keeping people informed and "equal".

With regards to announcing - we are not be planning on doing a wide family announcement, but would likely tell my parents and in laws only after so it didn't "come out" at her wedding. I wouldn't be posting any pictures and would not wear my ring at her wedding. I've also offered to completely keep it a secret until after her day if that is what she wants.

We also did plan to marry before having our child, but life happens and without going into too much detail its been a rough few years for our family and so planning an overseas wedding was not going to be an option and now with a young child arranging a wedding in the UK is almost impossible. We don't have any big wishes for this wedding other than the location which means a lot to us personally, hence the timing as we can only go during the winter months.

I think we will go ahead and not mention it again to my sister, there will no shine taken from her day. In retrospect I just shouldn't have said anything to her, and she would be none the wiser and no one would be upset. I guess I'd thought as we were doing such different things it wouldn't be an issue which was naive and probably insensitive of me.

Thanks everyone.

Bless you this isn't easy. I see both sides.

But - if you do as you say, will your DS not keep asking if you're going ahead? Because you've then got a whole other issue if you lie to her about it surely? x

Diningtableornot · 09/03/2025 23:21

A quiet wedding on your own surely won't outshine a big event? It would be different if you invited the same crowd just before her event.
TBH I don't really get the baby/pregnancy thing either. A real life baby there for all to see is much more immediate, and frankly, important, than a pregnancy which everyone hopes will go well but is still in the early stages.
I sometimes think the world has gone a bit mad. A colleague of mine just told her DD that she couldn't get married on the island where her parents celebrated their silver wedding, because the island belongs to them now!

Original poster
PlumHiker · 09/03/2025 23:10

Just quoting this so I can reply - not singling out.

Thanks for all the responses, has given me a lot to think about. For the poster who suggested waiting 6 weeks to announce - my in laws were here and already knew. My parents and family would have been upset if I had held on to the news so we really couldn't win there. I think anyone with overseas family knows the struggle with keeping people informed and "equal".

With regards to announcing - we are not be planning on doing a wide family announcement, but would likely tell my parents and in laws only after so it didn't "come out" at her wedding. I wouldn't be posting any pictures and would not wear my ring at her wedding. I've also offered to completely keep it a secret until after her day if that is what she wants.

We also did plan to marry before having our child, but life happens and without going into too much detail its been a rough few years for our family and so planning an overseas wedding was not going to be an option and now with a young child arranging a wedding in the UK is almost impossible. We don't have any big wishes for this wedding other than the location which means a lot to us personally, hence the timing as we can only go during the winter months.

I think we will go ahead and not mention it again to my sister, there will no shine taken from her day. In retrospect I just shouldn't have said anything to her, and she would be none the wiser and no one would be upset. I guess I'd thought as we were doing such different things it wouldn't be an issue which was naive and probably insensitive of me.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 09/03/2025 23:01

Could you have your elopement but not tell anyone about it for a few months? Otherwise, your sister's wedding will surely be the first time you see any of your family in person and they will be congratulating you and asking about your wedding. How far along was your pregnancy when you announced it? If only 6 weeks then perhaps you could have waited until after your parents' holiday.

I think your sister is being a bit precious. There's no limit to family enjoying good news. However, you could actively avoid doing something which might upset her.

charabang · 09/03/2025 23:01

Seeing as you are now aware that your sister is upset at your timing I'd elope as planned but avoid making any announcements until well after your her wedding. That way you both get your big days in the way you wish.

SheridansPortSalut · 09/03/2025 22:54

crockofshite · 09/03/2025 21:57

Get married.

Don't tell anyone.

Simples.

I worry that if you do this it'll end up coming out on or near the day of her wedding, which would be really poor form.

Would you leave your rings off for the whole trip? Would you lie if people ask about your wedding plans? You family won't like being lied to. It would come back to bite you.

You've been together 15 years and already have a child. There's no rush.

RampantIvy · 09/03/2025 22:50

Cakeandusername · 09/03/2025 22:48

I’m normally very it’s no big deal if two relatives marry similar time but your timing seems very odd. You’ve been together 15 years, didn’t want to marry before you had the baby and suddenly you decide to do it just before your sister’s wedding.
The birth announcement could have waited too.
It’s not an elopement if you are telling in advance.

Why does it matter?

This fucking princess complex so many women have is unreal

I think @Merryoldgoat is spot on with this summing up ^^

Cakeandusername · 09/03/2025 22:48

I’m normally very it’s no big deal if two relatives marry similar time but your timing seems very odd. You’ve been together 15 years, didn’t want to marry before you had the baby and suddenly you decide to do it just before your sister’s wedding.
The birth announcement could have waited too.
It’s not an elopement if you are telling in advance.

carrotycrumble · 09/03/2025 22:47

Dear God.

BrillantBriony · 09/03/2025 22:47

Absolutely ridiculous. I honestly don’t understand why people are so insecure. Have your elopement and tell whom ever you want. Whatever insecurity your sister harbours isn’t going to be satiated by this act of shrinking yourself.

Merrygoround8 · 09/03/2025 22:46

Some of this is staggering! Life happens. Babies and weddings happen, and sad things too. Imagine if a member of your family had the audacity to become poorly or tragically die the same year as her wedding, would that be stealing thunder?!

She can’t gatekeep those moments in your life. I would be thrilled if my family, or friends announced happy news at a similar time to me. What a lovely way to share joy and excitement.

Do your elopement. Who does she actually think cares? People don’t. No one, NO ONE, is going to enjoy her wedding less / be less happy for her simply because you got married to?! It’s not that deep.

MoosakaWithFries · 09/03/2025 22:44

I can't believe how people are so sensitive about this. I just couldn't get worked up about this.

If my DSIS announced her pregnancy around the time I gave birth I would be so bloody happy for her.

The same as the wedding. The OP is eloping and on the other side of the world. It's hardly two weddings to attend and compare within 2 months.

MN is full of posters saying 'don't have kids without being married', of which I completely agree. Now for the sake of stealing your DSIS thunder it's a no from some.

Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney · 09/03/2025 22:40

Echoing what some PPs are saying - 15 years and you want to do it the same time as your sister? Yeah, that's mad. But - regardless of what people are saying here, whether it's right/wrong or not, the fact is your SISTER is upset about it. And THAT fact on its own should be enough for you to not go ahead

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2025 22:38

Fucking baby bubbles and special days. It’s all such bollocks.

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2025 22:35

@Wackadaywideawake sorry - I was just agreeing with your incredulity in case that wasn’t clear.

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2025 22:34

Wackadaywideawake · 09/03/2025 21:55

Do people honestly think like this?!

Show quote history

This fucking princess complex so many women have is unreal.

Even if you might feel a bit deflated it should be temporary and once you’ve wobbled your head you crack on.

A friend told me about her pregnancy at my wedding and I was absolutely thrilled for her. And a colleague told our team his partner was pregnant the same time I did and we were so excited for the other.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 09/03/2025 22:34

HomeworkMonitor · 09/03/2025 21:22

I'm horrified how insensitive you were to announce your pregnancy the week your sister gave birth. Selfish. It could have waited for six weeks to give her time to bask in the 'new mum' hubbub.

As for the wedding, go and elope and don't tell a soul until six months after you sisters wedding, otherwise yes you are stealing her thunder again

Eh? Horrified? Most people would be excited for their sister and happy their baby would have a cousin close in age to play with. Why on earth would OP wait 6 weeks?! Both events can be joyous at the same time and should be in normal families.

Lavender14 · 09/03/2025 22:34

I think this is one of those ones where noone wants to admit it but I think a lot of people would be secretly upset by this. Personally I'd be slightly miffed but would quickly get over it but I can see why others might find that harder. I think if you're going to do it just don't announce it for a while. There's a huge amount of work goes into planning a wedding and while they obviously shouldn't, people will compare if they see your dress/ photos hear about how you did things and they will feel obliged to focus on you at a time when they would otherwise be focusing on your sister. It's all super petty. But I think it's still what many people would feel.

RampantIvy · 09/03/2025 22:30

I'm horrified how insensitive you were to announce your pregnancy the week your sister gave birth.

@HomeworkMonitor why is it insensitive? Confused

Do people have such fragile egos that they need to be the centre of attention for several weeks after every life event?

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