Page 2 | To despair that I can’t leave baby

Fruitpop · 2025-03-09T20:05:42+00:00

Posting here for traffic and because I’d really appreciate advice. I have a 5 month old baby and an overnight work trip that I’d really like to go on (still on mat leave, but the trip is a fun thing). It would be hard to leave baby, but it would be really good for me to have a break and a bit of fun. DH has tried doing bedtime for the last couple of nights with expressed milk and baby just wails and won’t take the bottle (which she’ll happily take for daytime feeds from DH and grandparents). DH took extended leave when she was born and regularly looks after her on weekends days for hours so I can do a hobby. In short, she’s used to DH caring for her, but I usually do bedtime. I’d be really grateful for advice (and just comfort that this won’t last forever). I’m sad that the trip may not happen, but also a bit panicked that I may not be able to so much as spend an evening out for the foreseeable (no dinner with friends/drink with a pal), while my husband can live a near-normal life. The inherent unequalness of parenting is hitting hard this evening…

SpringSoon25 · 09/03/2025 22:06

Go on the trip, they’ll be fine.

ExIssues · 09/03/2025 22:01

Good for you that your husband steps up. Baby will be fine - they are obviously used to dad looking after them so it's not that big a change - it's just a bedtime routine. There will be screaming no doubt so it's as long as your husband can deal with that.

Parker231 · 09/03/2025 21:58

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 09/03/2025 21:55

Will you enjoy the trip though being away from her?

I went back to work when DT’s were six months - normal maternity leave then. My job included working away from home. DH managed perfectly well whilst I was away.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 09/03/2025 21:55

Will you enjoy the trip though being away from her?

Ottersmith · 09/03/2025 21:54

The baby is still so young. They cry at this age because they need their Mother, whether you like it or not. It is unequal at this stage because no one can replace a Mother. Even in 3 months things will be different. Why does his life carry on the same? Has he been out in the evening much? On overnight trips? If so, why? He should be home supporting you. A baby is a life changing thing. It won't last very long at all. By next year you will be able to go on overnight trips and you will wonder why you were trying to force it so early.

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:52

Thanks so much for taking time to explain this. If we can’t make things work this week/I don’t go on this trip, I think we’ll take a break/reset, see if we’re still having the same issue and then try this.

OP posts:

AttachmentFTW · 09/03/2025 21:46

I have the complete opposite advice to being out the house and it probably wont work for you as your trip is really soon. We did a graded exposure (therapy for phobias) approach to getting my DD to take expressed bottle from DH at bed time. She would take expressed milk from me but absolutely would not from him (not very useful) . So we started with him sitting on the bed with me for a couple of nights; then him sitting next to me for a couple nights; me holding her while he held the bottle; him holding her while I held bottle; him holding and giving bottle with me next to him and then me just sitting on bed until one night I just didn't go in. I know it sounds like a right faff but it worked for us and there was minimal upset for her. She was about 4 or 5 months old. Took a couple of weeks but it made such a difference to me, I could go back to my hobby which was in the evening, go out for dinner/drinks with friends etc. I didn't go away overnight till she was like 10 months old but I could have done it earlier.

Springadorable · 09/03/2025 21:44

It is hard, but it does get easier. Right now your baby needs you. But in another six months this won't be an issue.

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:35

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:29

I’m lucky that she will take a bottle (including from people other than me), and actually did take bottle from DH at bedtime in the very early days (eg there was a night when I’d slept something like 3 hours in 3 days, so he marched me to bed and did the night himself). But having become a much more aware baby now, seems a bit miffed at mum not being around for bedtime service.

We will follow the advice for me to be out the house on next attempt, and I’ll report back. Thanks for the helpful advice and encouragement on this thread - drawing on the wisdom of other parents really is a comfort. ❤️

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Best of luck! :-)

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:29

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:21

No but you’re breastfeeding. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so regardless of how feminist I want to be, my husband could physically leave and I couldn’t. It’s really not the same when only one parent can provide food!
If you want to change to bottle feeding and baby will agree, then it’s much easier to leave (try eatfeedspeak as lots of people seem to get on well with her advice). But if they don’t, this phase will pass and you will have freedom again in very short period of time.

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I’m lucky that she will take a bottle (including from people other than me), and actually did take bottle from DH at bedtime in the very early days (eg there was a night when I’d slept something like 3 hours in 3 days, so he marched me to bed and did the night himself). But having become a much more aware baby now, seems a bit miffed at mum not being around for bedtime service.

We will follow the advice for me to be out the house on next attempt, and I’ll report back. Thanks for the helpful advice and encouragement on this thread - drawing on the wisdom of other parents really is a comfort. ❤️

OP posts:

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 21:27

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:21

No but you’re breastfeeding. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so regardless of how feminist I want to be, my husband could physically leave and I couldn’t. It’s really not the same when only one parent can provide food!
If you want to change to bottle feeding and baby will agree, then it’s much easier to leave (try eatfeedspeak as lots of people seem to get on well with her advice). But if they don’t, this phase will pass and you will have freedom again in very short period of time.

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OP said Dad/Grandparents given the baby expressed milk in a bottle so it’s not the bottle issue, it’s a nighttime issue.

AmyW9 · 09/03/2025 21:24

Can you bring DH? Recently we had a work away trip and one of our team on maternity leave brought her DH who stayed with her three month old nearby, so she could attend but pop back as much as she needed.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 09/03/2025 21:24

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 20:11

You need to leave the house completely. Of course baby won't settle if they know you're around.

This.
Leave the house. And make it clear boob is off the menu at night. DH sounds very supportive.
Enjoy your night away.

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:23

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:16

We explored this but unfortunately not possible (for various reasons - don’t need to drown you in the detail!)

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That’s a shame! Could your mom/someone else you feel comfortable with do it?

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:21

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:14

Everyone has to do what’s right for their family - that was right for you, this is right for me.

That said, I can’t imagine someone giving my DH the same advice.

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No but you’re breastfeeding. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so regardless of how feminist I want to be, my husband could physically leave and I couldn’t. It’s really not the same when only one parent can provide food!
If you want to change to bottle feeding and baby will agree, then it’s much easier to leave (try eatfeedspeak as lots of people seem to get on well with her advice). But if they don’t, this phase will pass and you will have freedom again in very short period of time.

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:16

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 20:37

This time will pass and quicker than you think although it feels intense in the moment.
if you really want to go, bring your DH along with you and you pop up and down to the hotel room.

We explored this but unfortunately not possible (for various reasons - don’t need to drown you in the detail!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:14

OhHellolittleone · 09/03/2025 21:00

Baby is 5 months. What’s the rush?! I’m no crazy, inseparable parent, but I wasnt
going on overnight trips at 5 months. The years are short, it’s not a big deal to miss a trip.

Everyone has to do what’s right for their family - that was right for you, this is right for me.

That said, I can’t imagine someone giving my DH the same advice.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 09/03/2025 21:09

Baby will eventually give in and take the bottle from dad, I say go and let your husband handle things, it will boost his confidence and give you a well earned break.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2025 21:03

I think you should just go and enjoy the trip.

But obviously keep persevering first , don’t go back to you just doing it.

I agree with those saying go out of the house, maybe a little while in advance.

Parker231 · 09/03/2025 21:02

OhHellolittleone · 09/03/2025 21:00

Baby is 5 months. What’s the rush?! I’m no crazy, inseparable parent, but I wasnt
going on overnight trips at 5 months. The years are short, it’s not a big deal to miss a trip.

The OP wants a break and to go on the trip.

OhHellolittleone · 09/03/2025 21:00

Baby is 5 months. What’s the rush?! I’m no crazy, inseparable parent, but I wasnt
going on overnight trips at 5 months. The years are short, it’s not a big deal to miss a trip.

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 20:37

This time will pass and quicker than you think although it feels intense in the moment.
if you really want to go, bring your DH along with you and you pop up and down to the hotel room.

Parker231 · 09/03/2025 20:37

Amanitacae · 09/03/2025 20:09

Just go on the trip. Your baby will be safe, warm, cuddled and loved (and will go to sleep eventually).

This - go on your trip and have a good time. Your baby will be well looked after by her father and take a bottle as she has done previously.

Penguinmouse · 09/03/2025 20:31

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 20:18

In less than a week, so not long. But I guess we do have the rest of the week to try…

I was in the house (and helped with getting bottle and dummy ready, and left the room just before feeding started). So this is helpful advice - I’ll be much more hands off/out the house for the next try. She is suddenly so much more aware and alert - she will have noticed me being there and then stepping out at the vital moment.

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Given your baby can take a bottle during the day, I’d try again. It’s different from not being able to take a bottle at all. Be out before the process starts and then just come back into the house once it’s done. If you try tomorrow and the day after and it’s still a nightmare, make a decision but definitely try again.

Waterlilysunset · 09/03/2025 20:28

I would personally miss the trip. We tried and realised baby was desperate for me for quite some time. Would scream himself silly.
it was my own hen do when baby was 9 months old and I still could only leave him for say 8 hours during the day.
It seemed like it lasted forever but it didn’t, he must have been 18 months and it was fine to leave him.