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Original poster

To despair that I can’t leave baby

59 replies

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 20:05

Posting here for traffic and because I’d really appreciate advice.

I have a 5 month old baby and an overnight work trip that I’d really like to go on (still on mat leave, but the trip is a fun thing). It would be hard to leave baby, but it would be really good for me to have a break and a bit of fun.

DH has tried doing bedtime for the last couple of nights with expressed milk and baby just wails and won’t take the bottle (which she’ll happily take for daytime feeds from DH and grandparents). DH took extended leave when she was born and regularly looks after her on weekends days for hours so I can do a hobby. In short, she’s used to DH caring for her, but I usually do bedtime.

I’d be really grateful for advice (and just comfort that this won’t last forever). I’m sad that the trip may not happen, but also a bit panicked that I may not be able to so much as spend an evening out for the foreseeable (no dinner with friends/drink with a pal), while my husband can live a near-normal life. The inherent unequalness of parenting is hitting hard this evening…

OP posts:
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AttachmentFTW · 12/03/2025 21:55

It's really tough. I hope the gentle/gradual approach is more successful for you. Sending love and good luck.

UpTheGunners · 12/03/2025 21:52

Have you read Matrescence by Lucy Jones OP? There is so much change in becoming a mother. This book really helped me make sense of all the monumental change and the massive feelings that went along with them. It's OK to despair of ever getting back to 'normal' ,when even having an evening out is hard to envisage - it can be so hard when we don't feel like 'ourselves' in some ways.

Original poster
Fruitpop · 12/03/2025 21:46

Unfortunately didn’t work - if anything it got worse (she started wailing in anticipation on the last attempt just as my husband was starting bedtime routine).

I’m not going on the trip. We’ll pull back for now and in a couple of weeks when she’s forgotten about it, we’ll try the more gentle/gradual approach as people upthread suggested as an alternative, and get her used to him doing bedtime at least a couple of times a week. I’m sad about the trip, but I don’t want her to be miserably unhappy and crying for hours. At least we have a plan of attack for the future now.

Being her mum is great, but the loss of autonomy is hard.

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 12/03/2025 20:03

How did it go? We found taking it in turns to do bedtime helped - did alternate nights from three months. Combi-fed baby, I just switched around BFs depending on if I was there or not.

It meant DD was happy for either of us to be there, which meant much more freedom for me (this was a big help mental health wise), increased his confidence and strengthened their bond too as he was out at work every day so this increased the time they had together.

LoztWorld · 10/03/2025 18:49

If your DH does all of bedtime with you completely absent at bedtime for the week until the trip she will be ready. It will probably only take her 2-3 nights of a consistent new routine to adjust.

I struggled to believe this advice when others gave me it about similar issues with my baby, but it turns out it is true for most babies! Even my exceptionally difficult, very screamy, additional needs baby, so almost certainly your (presumably) more typical baby.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 10/03/2025 18:36

Whatever you do DO NOT STEP IN. Get away from the house and do not return until DH sends you the thumbs up WhatsApp (even if it takes until 4 am -which it won't). This can and will be cracked

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/03/2025 18:13

You can't step in if you're not home so I would just leave, go to your mums/a friend's and let them get on with it. You don't need to miss your trip, your DH sounds very capable and baby will be fine.

Original poster
Fruitpop · 10/03/2025 18:08

dnasurprise · 10/03/2025 15:16

did it work last night?

We’d already done a second failed attempt (where I stepped in) when I posted last night. Tonight’s the night - wish me luck…!

OP posts:
dnasurprise · 10/03/2025 15:16

did it work last night?

Onlyonekenobe · 10/03/2025 14:35

Oh my, this brings back memories! We had exactly the same issue with our first child (I had to go abroad at short notice, for a sick relative). Bottom line is needs must, so the baby will eventually feed when she's hungry. Might be tough on your DH trying to soothe an unsoothable baby, but she will be fine.

However, I do recall clearly the dawning realisation of just how unequal the burden is, and resenting it majorly. In case you're interested in a perspective many years on from all this: it is undeniably unequal in the early months and years, it evens out as they get older, and when it does you might think (as I did) that with hindsight you were the more fortunate parent to have that "burden". It's shit when you're stuck in it, but when it's gone you miss it like it hurts. They're parasites, these kids 😂. I laugh at myself now, at how desperate I was to try to stay just like my former self, independent and just "adding a baby" to my otherwise amazing life. Anyway, no two women are the same, this may not apply to you at all. But don't worry about your baby, go/don't go - whatever you decide on whatever front, everything will be fine.

Comtesse · 10/03/2025 14:10

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 09/03/2025 21:55

Will you enjoy the trip though being away from her?

That reads like a guilt trip….. not very cool.

PurpleThistle7 · 10/03/2025 13:55

Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 21:29

I’m lucky that she will take a bottle (including from people other than me), and actually did take bottle from DH at bedtime in the very early days (eg there was a night when I’d slept something like 3 hours in 3 days, so he marched me to bed and did the night himself). But having become a much more aware baby now, seems a bit miffed at mum not being around for bedtime service.

We will follow the advice for me to be out the house on next attempt, and I’ll report back. Thanks for the helpful advice and encouragement on this thread - drawing on the wisdom of other parents really is a comfort. ❤️

Show quote history

Try to give it a decent shot too - don't just disappear for a few minutes, go out to the cinema or similar and give your husband a good chance to figure it out without you being an option. There's nothing wrong with staying with your wee baby, but there's also nothing wrong with wanting a break so if the logistics are the only issue here, then you just need to figure out what works.

Psychologymam · 10/03/2025 12:53

Middleagedstriker · 10/03/2025 08:04

Mixed feeding can work well. I BF all of mine to about 18 months and used mixed feeding from the word go. Was a little bottle a day for the first few months, around a full bottle at 5 months onwards whrs we moved around depending on if I was working or going out for lunch or in the evening. I love going out and socialising. I would have gone a bit insane having to spend around 4 and half years at home every evening.

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One of mine agreed with you and other did not! In some ways it was brilliant to have that freedom and allowed my husband to help with sleep, but it’s also okay if it doesn’t work. You won’t need to spend years at home, once they are older, cups can be used, water and food is okay, I’ve gone away for two night and breastfed upon return. I wish I hadn’t stressed so much about getting them to take a bottle reflecting back.

Middleagedstriker · 10/03/2025 08:04

Psychologymam · 09/03/2025 21:21

No but you’re breastfeeding. Mine wouldn’t take a bottle so regardless of how feminist I want to be, my husband could physically leave and I couldn’t. It’s really not the same when only one parent can provide food!
If you want to change to bottle feeding and baby will agree, then it’s much easier to leave (try eatfeedspeak as lots of people seem to get on well with her advice). But if they don’t, this phase will pass and you will have freedom again in very short period of time.

Show quote history

Mixed feeding can work well. I BF all of mine to about 18 months and used mixed feeding from the word go. Was a little bottle a day for the first few months, around a full bottle at 5 months onwards whrs we moved around depending on if I was working or going out for lunch or in the evening. I love going out and socialising. I would have gone a bit insane having to spend around 4 and half years at home every evening.

minnienono · 10/03/2025 08:01

It's one day and babies won't starve themselves, the protest will end eventually

Superwomann · 10/03/2025 07:53

AttachmentFTW · 09/03/2025 21:46

I have the complete opposite advice to being out the house and it probably wont work for you as your trip is really soon. We did a graded exposure (therapy for phobias) approach to getting my DD to take expressed bottle from DH at bed time. She would take expressed milk from me but absolutely would not from him (not very useful) . So we started with him sitting on the bed with me for a couple of nights; then him sitting next to me for a couple nights; me holding her while he held the bottle; him holding her while I held bottle; him holding and giving bottle with me next to him and then me just sitting on bed until one night I just didn't go in. I know it sounds like a right faff but it worked for us and there was minimal upset for her. She was about 4 or 5 months old. Took a couple of weeks but it made such a difference to me, I could go back to my hobby which was in the evening, go out for dinner/drinks with friends etc. I didn't go away overnight till she was like 10 months old but I could have done it earlier.

We did exactly the same and it worked for us as well, it didn’t work with me being out of the house!

Superwomann · 10/03/2025 07:50

We were in the same situation and DH just couldn’t do bedtimes as DD refused. For us it didn’t work me being out of the house, we gradually had to move me away from bedtime routines.

We started with me sitting next to them when she was feeding, then just when she was put in the cot, she wanted to hear my voice shushing her, then I just had to come in if she didn’t settle in the cot, eventually he could do it all on his own. I think it took about 5-6 days.

MJBear · 09/03/2025 22:49

Oh. And I would not bother with practice runs. Just go. And leave them to work it out. It is not a long trip

MJBear · 09/03/2025 22:48

Just go on the trip.

DH and baby will figure it out in your absence.

(I bf 2 babies through to over 2yo)

I went on a birthday weekend trip to Ibiza with a friend when one on my babies was 5mo. Had always refused bottles before that. DH Had no problem with feeding whilst I was away.

And he had the good grace to wait 12m before telling me that sleep on the other hand had been a nightmare!!!

I also went away for a few days when my 2nd was that age. And again. DH and baby survived just fine.

So. Go. And enjoy it!

theprincessthepea · 09/03/2025 22:37

Thought I’d say I had to leave my 6 month old whilst o attended a retreat. I was gearing myself up to cancel as baby only slept on me, and then went down and was do attached to me. I went in the end for 2 nights in total. They didn’t get much sleep on the first night but baby was fed, safe. By the second night it was much better.

I am glad I went on the retreat. I think babies act up when they sense mum is around. We have to learn to let them go sometimes.

Scout2016 · 09/03/2025 22:30

This might sound a bit mad but try sleeping in a tshirt or something and getting your DH to drape it on his shoulder when holding her so she has your smell near.
We got given a tip by the HV to put a top we'd worn all day in the moses basket with a hot water bottle to sort of trick DD into settling in the basket not just on us. Whip the bottle out and put the baby in...Made me realise how much smells matter.
If you wear a purfume, give your DH a squirt of it! Worth a try.

Original poster
Fruitpop · 09/03/2025 22:24

Undethetree · 09/03/2025 22:15

No helpful advice but it is nice to read about a DH pulling his weight and trying to support his partner for a change. (Assuming I've understood that correctly!)

Edited

He’s been great, notwithstanding a really demanding job on top. It would have all been a lot harder without him.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 09/03/2025 22:18

Just go ,it will be fine

TunnocksOrDeath · 09/03/2025 22:16

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 09/03/2025 21:55

Will you enjoy the trip though being away from her?

Lots of people would - if it were something in which they were particularly interested. It doesn't make them bad parents, just well rounded humans.

Undethetree · 09/03/2025 22:15

No helpful advice but it is nice to read about a DH pulling his weight and trying to support his partner for a change. (Assuming I've understood that correctly!)