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Original poster

To ask how to cope with parents who have never accepted me as a separate being?

34 replies

noraheggerty · 09/03/2025 18:50

I'm late 40s. My parents are very eccentric people, and brought me up in an odd way. I was socially isolated except for school, and was not allowed any TV or proper toys (I played with dominos and chess pieces for hours on end) or any junk food etc. I was an only child so no relief from the loneliness. No help when I was struggling socially, just told I should be happy because I'm different (i.e. better) and that the reason for my unhappiness was "in me".

They now live abroad and I see them twice a year for a week or two.

They are not diagnosed with anything (that kind of thing just isn't on their radar) but I am convinced my dad has ASD and my mum probably also has that as well as anxiety/OCD. And both have massive trauma.

They both had extremely controlling parents themselves. My dad's parents (who had their own terrible trauma -- they were refugees) treated him badly and eventually disowned him for leaving their religion. He hates them but doesn't see the irony in his own behaviour.

My mum was raped as a young teen, and I think she completely lost confidence in herself and it never returned. The world is a terrifying place for her. She had other controlling partners before my dad. She has pretty much fallen out with her own family due to religious and political differences. Irony again.

My dad has very little theory of mind and used to constantly deny both my and my mother's reality, experiences, feelings etc as the only ones that exist for him are his own. He still does this to my mum. With me, these days we just barely talk, beyond the shallowest things, unless it's him just monologuing about his special interests. It's sad we have so little connection but at least it avoids having too many reality-denying opportunities.

My mum coddled and smothered me and was highly anxious & terrified of me showing any negative emotion so I learnt to hide it and deny it even to myself. Meanwhile my dad would fly into a rage if I didn't agree with him or kept on asserting my own reality. All I wanted was for him to see me, to hear me, to believe that I existed as a separate being. He'd rant and rave and then send me to my room still unheard & utterly frustrated, and I'd scream for my mum because it felt so unfair but of course she wouldn't dream of "defying" him to come to me.

(At that time she didn't even have her own bank card & he doled out "spending money" to her each month - even when she was the sole earner!!)

Between the two of them the effect was that it took till my late 30s to actually start recognising my own feelings, desires etc and start being able to speak my truth to anyone. I have binge eating disorder and have used drugs and alcohol at various times to cope with my "forbidden" negative emotions. Plus depression and emotional fatigue from turning anger etc in on myself.

I hate spending time with them because it's so triggering. But I don't want to go NC because I hold a lot of affection for them and I don't blame them for the way they are. They are like that because of their trauma and possibly their brain wiring. I don't hate them. In fact I think they are kind-hearted, generous people doing their best. They care a lot for their friends, and for me, but when it comes to me the caring is expressed in a way that I can't really cope with.

They still micromanage me when I am there. They will tell me to put on my coat and carry water, change for the bus etc. They will involve themselves in everything I try to do and tell me how to do it. If I say "I'm going to the shop, would you like anything?" My dad will say "What are you buying? You don't really need that do you? Let me go and get it for you, you might not understand the language" I say "I like to try and speak it" etc and then I'm defending myself feeling like I have to argue with him just to leave the damn flat!!

When I visited them last year, my mum was acting like this when her friend was over and I said "You know, Mum, I'm just gonna go do my thing for a bit" and she turned to her friend and said "She likes to be independent!"

I was 46!!

My dad will tell me again and again what he thinks I should do, long after I have said "thank you for the advice but I'm going to do something different". On one visit I complained to my mum about this, saying how my dad was getting on my nerves. Later I overheard her telling my dad what I'd said and I heard him reply "I don't mind if she finds it annoying. If she doesn't listen the first time I'll just keep telling her".

I have tried to assert my boundaries various times but it always ends in frustration and conflict.

If they lived nearby and I could see them for a few hours at a time I could take it, but they are so far away it has to be at least a week at a time.

Wise women of Mumsnet, do you have any tips on coping with this without getting triggered?

Don't say have therapy. I'm visiting them next week. There isn't time!

OP posts:
Teardrop89 · 09/03/2025 22:33

'I hate spending time with them because it's so triggering. But I don't want to go NC because I hold a lot of affection for them and I don't blame them for the way they are. They are like that because of their trauma and possibly their brain wiring. I don't hate them. In fact I think they are kind-hearted, generous people doing their best. They care a lot for their friends, and for me, but when it comes to me the caring is expressed in a way that I can't really cope with.'

I think you really summarised your feelings here OP, and perhaps these can inform your next steps. How would it feel for you to make some changes - choose a separate accomodation when visiting, shorter stays, taking more breaks when visiting, neutral topics of conversations? Your dad is clearly saying he does not care if you find his behaviour annoying, and is not planning to change his?

Visits will still be difficult, but setting up some boundaries would give you space to recover.

Lottapianos · 09/03/2025 21:38

'They are definitely not going to change. It's very hard to let go of though.'

It most certainly is! The theory makes sense, but it really does take time to fully accept that your parents won't change and this is as good as it's going to get. It's weird and unsettling and very painful

I can relate to so much of your post. My dad monologues endlessly about himself, my mother doesn't really trust anyone and is like a child in many ways. Neither of them can accept me as the adult I am, they still need me to be a child / young person who they can control. I also live in a different country to them so can relate to not just being able to pop in for coffee or whatever.

My advice would be to take seriously the impact that their behaviour had on you. No, they won't change, but that doesn't mean you have to just go along with it. I see visiting my family as entering a hostile environment - you need to prepare, be clear about what you're facing, take breaks where you can, and keep your visit short. I did 5 days last time and it was just too long. And give yourself some recovery time afterwards

I think more therapy in the medium term sounds like a great idea. Good luck, and take care of yourself. It's tough going x

Glitchymn1 · 09/03/2025 19:24

You aren’t going to change them, you know you can’t trust your mum to keep schtum. Just visit, agree with them, keep the peace, ahh and uhhm and get out! It’s the only way, keep subject matters neutral, indulge them, you clearly care for them. They’ll probably get worse as they get older. It is, what it is. Just look after yourself.

Octavia64 · 09/03/2025 19:23

Hotel or Airbnb

Limit the time you spend with them.

SoundedCat · 09/03/2025 19:21

Can you not stay with them in their home? Do you have the funds for a hotel or Airbnb? That way you can remove yourself when it's too much

But for the micromanaging, I'd stick a cheery smile on my face and say things like "that's great advice, but don't forget, I like to be independent" and then skip out the room singing something from the sound of music. I think you're doing very well to see their behaviour towards you as a product of their own traumas. Can you stretch that thought to treating them as if they're very ill as a result. They lack the ability to interact with you in a normal way, it's not their fault, but it is their deficiency. Would that help make their comments less relivent and annoying?

Original poster
noraheggerty · 09/03/2025 19:18

Thank you so much for reading such a long post! You are right, I need to let go & accept. They are definitely not going to change. It's very hard to let go of though.

@Mumblechum0 I have had some therapy over the years, I just think I might need more! And have read a lot of psychology books.

@MatildaTheCat I agree some of it is normal, just triggering to me because of the context of the past. But I do think some of it is really not normal, e.g. my dad saying that he will keep telling me what to do until I do it. But I agree what matters is not any particular behaviour but whether I'm triggered by it.

OP posts:
BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 09/03/2025 19:11

I do think therapy would be helpful. Even it's 'too late' for the upcoming visit, it is likely to give you the tools to make later visits easier to manage. It'll also help you with your own thoughts and feelings re your childhood and in the longer term.

MatildaTheCat · 09/03/2025 19:02

The old trope that you can only change your own reactions is true. So you can identify many areas that are triggering for you. The examples you give are pretty common in parents of adults- I am unable to see my DC off without saying, ‘drive safely’ or ‘have you got your keys?’ I don’t think this annoys them too much.

However I am extremely sensitive to my own mother’s comments which tend towards extreme negativity. I have learned to not challenge her. If she says, oh we won’t go out it’s bound to rain I’ll reply that I think I will take a chance, does she want to come or will she stay at home? She will come.

In short a lot of deep breathing, a lot of bland responses and try and find some common ground where you can actually engage properly.

Good luck.

Mumblechum0 · 09/03/2025 19:01

That sounds tough. From the way you wrote so eloquently, I presumed that you’d already had therapy as you seem to have clarity about the situation.

I presume they’re in their late 70s, so at their age, they aren’t going to change, and as you don’t want to stop seeing them, I think all you can do is try to change your response by letting the things they say kind of flow over and around you, like a rock in a stream.

you know how you feel, they can’t (not won’t, can’t) alter their behaviour at this late stage in their lives so all you can do, as you love them, is accept them as they are and not struggle against it.

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