I'm late 40s. My parents are very eccentric people, and brought me up in an odd way. I was socially isolated except for school, and was not allowed any TV or proper toys (I played with dominos and chess pieces for hours on end) or any junk food etc. I was an only child so no relief from the loneliness. No help when I was struggling socially, just told I should be happy because I'm different (i.e. better) and that the reason for my unhappiness was "in me".
They now live abroad and I see them twice a year for a week or two.
They are not diagnosed with anything (that kind of thing just isn't on their radar) but I am convinced my dad has ASD and my mum probably also has that as well as anxiety/OCD. And both have massive trauma.
They both had extremely controlling parents themselves. My dad's parents (who had their own terrible trauma -- they were refugees) treated him badly and eventually disowned him for leaving their religion. He hates them but doesn't see the irony in his own behaviour.
My mum was raped as a young teen, and I think she completely lost confidence in herself and it never returned. The world is a terrifying place for her. She had other controlling partners before my dad. She has pretty much fallen out with her own family due to religious and political differences. Irony again.
My dad has very little theory of mind and used to constantly deny both my and my mother's reality, experiences, feelings etc as the only ones that exist for him are his own. He still does this to my mum. With me, these days we just barely talk, beyond the shallowest things, unless it's him just monologuing about his special interests. It's sad we have so little connection but at least it avoids having too many reality-denying opportunities.
My mum coddled and smothered me and was highly anxious & terrified of me showing any negative emotion so I learnt to hide it and deny it even to myself. Meanwhile my dad would fly into a rage if I didn't agree with him or kept on asserting my own reality. All I wanted was for him to see me, to hear me, to believe that I existed as a separate being. He'd rant and rave and then send me to my room still unheard & utterly frustrated, and I'd scream for my mum because it felt so unfair but of course she wouldn't dream of "defying" him to come to me.
(At that time she didn't even have her own bank card & he doled out "spending money" to her each month - even when she was the sole earner!!)
Between the two of them the effect was that it took till my late 30s to actually start recognising my own feelings, desires etc and start being able to speak my truth to anyone. I have binge eating disorder and have used drugs and alcohol at various times to cope with my "forbidden" negative emotions. Plus depression and emotional fatigue from turning anger etc in on myself.
I hate spending time with them because it's so triggering. But I don't want to go NC because I hold a lot of affection for them and I don't blame them for the way they are. They are like that because of their trauma and possibly their brain wiring. I don't hate them. In fact I think they are kind-hearted, generous people doing their best. They care a lot for their friends, and for me, but when it comes to me the caring is expressed in a way that I can't really cope with.
They still micromanage me when I am there. They will tell me to put on my coat and carry water, change for the bus etc. They will involve themselves in everything I try to do and tell me how to do it. If I say "I'm going to the shop, would you like anything?" My dad will say "What are you buying? You don't really need that do you? Let me go and get it for you, you might not understand the language" I say "I like to try and speak it" etc and then I'm defending myself feeling like I have to argue with him just to leave the damn flat!!
When I visited them last year, my mum was acting like this when her friend was over and I said "You know, Mum, I'm just gonna go do my thing for a bit" and she turned to her friend and said "She likes to be independent!"
I was 46!!
My dad will tell me again and again what he thinks I should do, long after I have said "thank you for the advice but I'm going to do something different". On one visit I complained to my mum about this, saying how my dad was getting on my nerves. Later I overheard her telling my dad what I'd said and I heard him reply "I don't mind if she finds it annoying. If she doesn't listen the first time I'll just keep telling her".
I have tried to assert my boundaries various times but it always ends in frustration and conflict.
If they lived nearby and I could see them for a few hours at a time I could take it, but they are so far away it has to be at least a week at a time.
Wise women of Mumsnet, do you have any tips on coping with this without getting triggered?
Don't say have therapy. I'm visiting them next week. There isn't time!