AIBU to ask DH to stop doing this and is there a nice way to say it?!

Some of these replies are wild!

My children are full siblings but I often take one or other of them out on their own. It’s a matter of importance to me that they all have their individual time. I wouldn’t make either of my 16 year olds go to the bookshop with my 11 year old as they would hate it but one likes eating out and the other likes shopping so each month they all get a chance to do something that wouldn’t work for the whole family. They get on very well but these 1-1’s are important to all of us.

Eh, just tell him and suggest he spend quality 1:1 time with his son. No way you can do something to keep both happy.

Absolutely. 100%. Why can’t OP see this?

What does he say when you ask him not to do it?

Say “me and dd and going out to give you some quality time with your son”

@RonnieRustic are you going to come back to the thread you set up ?

When we had dss on the weekends we did things together or he and his dad often did much more exciting things that toddlers couldn't do, but in the holidays when dh was working and I wasn't I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving dss out. We just worked out activities that suited all the kids.

Childcare?! He's her stepson! She's favouring her bio DC over her StepDC!

My thought exactly. I can’t stand step parents like this. Treating their stepDC like guests you've barely know

Why wouldn't you take both kids?? Is it because your 5 ye old is your biological DC? If so then that's appalling behaviour. Why leave one out? He's asking your stepDC because he doesn't want anyone left out!

Do it back to him and he'll get it pretty fast. Cheeky fucker.

Saying to the child not going 'X ig doing something today and you will get to do something in a few days' or whatever seems a right way to do a seperate child doing something thing, but the way this comes across it does feel as ''I am wanting to only do something with MY child only"

and sure the father is the biological parent but yes it comes across as ''it is his responsibility" as the other child is an inconcvience

I presume if both children were biologically both parents would this situation have even come up?

Child care? For a 13 year old?

Might as well be blunt!

'Stop inviting DSS out with me and DD without asking me first - it will feel like you don't want him around, on the days he is meant to be here with you and it means he may feel pressured to come out with us to do boring things he doesn't want to do, or it means changing our plans to suit him, so they no longer suit DD.

If what we're doing is suitable for him, I'll invite him/let you know!'

That way you get in there first with the suggestion that it is he who doesn't want his own son around, if he then tries to suggest you don't want DSS around you can then wheel out the big guns 'I love him, he's great but 13 year olds typically don't share the same interests as 5 year olds and it's unfair to expect them to!'.

It would be useful to know whether the dad ever makes time for his son.

Also, how much actual work normally gets done once the children are out of the house.

So he's volunteering you to babysit his child and give him a few hours of peace.

Dumping extra work on you, in other words.

I wouldn't bother being polite unless the other child could overhear.

Just say, "Sorry, I realise how appealing that may look to you, but it doesn't work for me."

Or, "Don't you want to spend some quality time with DSS?" Optional - "for once."

4 pages and not one comment from OP !

Is there a polite way to tell DH that I'd prefer it if he asked me first rather than just inviting DSS out with me when DH won't even be there himself and that sometimes I may want to say no as well.

If you remove the words "just" and "even" then there is absolutely nothing impolite about this request.

He gets very defensive of anything to do with DSS so I imagine he'll take it the wrong way whatever I say.

This is your real problem. In this instance, he knows he's palming his child off on you instead of doing a bit of parenting himself, which is why he's defensive. I imagine the other times he gets defensive are similarly when he knows perfectly well he's not being a very good parent.

Given his dads working I think it would be harder knowing your stepmum and sister are off out without you and your stepmum hasn’t even asked if you’d like to go too.

But clearly that’s all OK

Yes, imagine knowing that your dad doesn't want to spend time with you on your own or even have you in the house at all while he's working.

Agree
Its sounds very sad and I do wonder what the future will be like for him.

Sounds like the step son has been with them since he was 7 or 8. And side-lined.

It’s perfectly acceptable and reasonable that you want to spend some quality one on one time with your daughter. If he doesn’t choose to do the same with his own, well that is on him. Just say so. No arguments.
Not from him or any of these judgy people projecting their own guilt and anger on you in this forum.
Ridiculous.

Poor kid. Bat this right back onto your lazy arse 'childcare is women's work' husband.

Tell your husband straight out - when his son can't hear you, or his father's reaction - that you've planned a me and X day out 1-1 with activities a 5 year old will love and an adolescent boy will loathe.

So it will be just the two of you.

Tell him to step up and plan a father and son thing. Because his son's at an age where fathers and sons need to strengthen and evolve their relationship as he grows through adolescence and needs male company, role modeling and advice - which you can't give.

OP, why don’t you take your SS out on his own sometimes?