My sister's been sacked - AGAIN!

Yes maybe she needs to see the post. Being fired once … sad and ok, let’s work through it. Fired three times for the same behaviour… entirely a her problem!

I actually thought you might be my sister posting this about our 3rd sister. The story is identical, except that my sis isn't mean or shouty.

We are convinced our sister is autistic. This is not much of a stretch as our father almost certainly is (now 84 and still working 7 days a week in very niche scientific research area) and my sons are diagnosed.

It's a tricky one as we don't quite feel that dsis is ready to hear that she is probably autistic. She is utterly convinced that it is everyone around her who is faulty.

Maybe she'll learn something?

Agree

This thread is so outing, I would be worried if I were you that she'd read it and be hurt. You've offered up her life without her permission, I think you've posted too much detail.

She's either deluded, has some kind of mental illness or both. You won't change her at her age, just tell her you won't be listening to her bullshit if she visits and actually follow through.

Well you know from experience that whether it's conflict in her personal life or her professional life, she lacks any self awareness or accountability and obviously has a persecution complex and a narcissistic streak. She isn't going to change, or reflect on her own behaviour because she's already convinced herself that she is never the problem. We all know someone like this.

You need to accept that you are banging your head against a wall trying to help her. She doesn't want help, she wants someone to listen to her whinge about how unfair it all is. So perhaps that's all you should set out to do in future. Don't try to offer constructive criticism which will be thrown back in your face. Just smile and nod, make all the appropriate supportive noises, act like you are on her side and don't make yourself unpopular by pointing out the obvious.

Just get her involved in something that means she can’t talk about work (I say ‘just’ but I know it’s not easy!) Hope you can find some way to have a good time with her. Best of luck!

Have a look at Mel Robbins and Let Them theory. I know you want to help but she doesn't want help. Think about your own boundaries. You don't have to have her to stay. But if you do it's not your job to help her fix the mess she's in and she wouldn't be receptive even if you tried.

I'd cancel the visit and tell her that she is too difficult to deal with and detrimental to your well being. Walking on eggshells round her hasn't worked and her inability to keep her job isn't your responsibility to fix. You don't have to listen to all her victim identifying shit either.

Agree.

Cancel the visit, or if you can’t, fuck it, tell her straight.

LET her get moody, let her huff off and flounce.

she has no right to dump on you and play the victim when she is her own worst enemy

"She’s never been a particularly easy person to be around."

For that reason alone, I'd tell her she is not welcome to stay. Now or ever.

As for being sacked, well, thats her shit to shovel, not yours.

Brilliant question because my FIL shares these traits with SIL.

@Scottysister furst of all she barely bothers with you both untill/unless she had been sacked.
Then your time is taken up with her self pity and argumentative state .
No chance !

Id call her and say the last time you came to visit you had been sacked and it caused an atmosphere and friction In my home. If you are still looking to visit then work is off topic .
We chill out and enjoy time together laughing or it’s best not to visit .

@Scottysister you could be describing my sister in law here. You have my full sympathy. We no longer have her to stay because her behaviour is so bloody draining. There is a family crisis at the moment about someone else and she takes up every drop of the emotional energy. I cannot abide the behaviour any longer. DH pushed back on her massively during the week so very briefly her cough will be softened for a short while but it never lasts. I will say though that my DH feels better about it at the moment so I wonder if that might help here too. SIL is the same projects her unrealistic expectations on everyone she works with, no relationship, no children. She couldn’t have a relationship there would be no room for her other half in it.

She should go into politics.

Quick side question - OP, what was your dad like?

Did he share these characteristics?

I take it you and your mum don't?

This is easy to solve. Stop being scared of her, tell her exactly what you think keep telling her until she accept it or goes off in huff and never comes back.
What have you got to lose? She will never change because people keep enabling her because they don't want to deal with the explosion, it might be too late but I would provoke the explosion and just stand there and take it.

OP just lend a sympathetic ear, nod along, and don't offer any advice. She won't listen - at her age she's not going to change.
One of my SILs has been like this her entire life and never managed to keep a job longer than a year or two. Now she's retired, she falls out with her landlords and has to move house every year or two. It's exhausting but she will not accept that she might be the problem.

You, your husband and mum have to consider your own wellbeing, too. Clearly her behaviour troubles you all (as well as three lots of colleagues and a client).

It may be that being employed, and being in the management sandwich may simply not suit her.

Self employment, especially if she has a niche skill, may be worth looking at. I do that and alternate with employment contracts and do find it if hard to wedge back into being a team member.

Self employed autonomy, providing a very particular set of skills - suits me much better!

Another saying stop trying to make her see why she’s fired. You nod and look sympathetic and if she asks what you think she should do, you say you don’t know, you’ve never seen her in “work mode” so couldn’t advise.

at most, I’d gently say something around that she never has had complaints about her work, only her management of a team and perhaps she’d be better being self employed or in a technical, not management role. That it sounds to you that the bits of her job she’s always enjoyed are the areas she’s an expert, not managing staff. Bur only say that if you think she’d be open to hearing it.

all the self awareness of a hippo with a grudge.

😂😂😂@JFDIYOLO

This is great advice!

Why is she coming to visit you?

Was this arranged before she was fired?

I really struggle to bite my tongue and not say factual information.
I have to keep my distance from people like your sister because I can’t help but state the facts.

As PPs have said though, she is a victim and will always play the victim, no matter what you say.

If you can bare it, then I would just let her vent and let it go over your head.
Trying to make her see that she’s in the wrong is likely to cause you more stress in the long run.

Once she’s gone, then I would stop making so much effort with her.

It doesn’t sound like she cares about you much, you are just there for when she needs you.