My sister's been sacked - AGAIN!

I think that you should drop trying to 'help' by getting her to see things differently unless she specifically asks you for help. But otherwise just sympathize with her and give lots of uh huh responses. Whatever the reasons, she is in a horrible situation, so a little empathy would not go amiss.

Is she undiagnosed neurodiverse?

I am not one of them people who think everything is a sign of SEN, however all of this is my brother and at the age of 36 he was diagnosed Asperger’s.

when we went to school back in the 90’s he was clever and well behaved so didn’t fit the “special needs model” however now with more understanding this has come about.

it’s meant not only is he able to learning and understand about himself but we have been able too as well, nothing as necessarily changed but the flying off the handle and the sulking and the obsessive behaviour had reduced!

I like this idea of getting out of the house. Sounds like a good way to steer the conversation away from work.

Agreed, the sister is the problem.

But to be fair, anyone who doesn’t invest into relationships, family, friendships, hobbies & interests etc and simply just does ‘work’ is bound to end up as an unbalanced oddball.

I see it up close regularly with high profile sportspeople - they are brilliant at the one thing they do.. but often to the detriment of being a balanced human being.

But the sister has put all her personality eggs in the work basket, and at early 50s is only at middle management.. so arguable that’s not great! So she’s probably angry and disappointed at her own lack of success.

Depends on the industry, eg estate agents/property managers often are very toxic workplaces. If you are a woman in a male dominated industry- ie police or engineering then these are often toxic to all/any women. Also, if you are a minority, more likely the workplace is toxic due to racism or xenophobia than you being toxic.

Add in ageism as the sister has had these 3 sackings in 7 years while over age 40..

it is not unlikely that the workplaces have been toxic.

When people don’t fit in from my experience there is either a toxic group or a toxic person.

In this context by toxic person I mean a person who does not have the ability, social skills, to work in a team and toxic groups are those who engage in toxic behaviours, usually these groups founded and directed by those with significant narcissistic traits or old school bullies.

It is unlikely that the OP’s sister has landed in and been fired from 3 toxic groups, it is more likely she is the toxic one.

I’m similar and I totally agree.

If you hardly see and hardly speak as you acknowledged with the brief texts how do you know it’s all her. You don’t sound close at all. You almost sound like you hate her, if that’s the case do her a favour and cut her off. Was her upbringing different to yours?

Some executive coaching could be a great idea.

Framed as 'at your level of experience and expertise, you might have outgrown the middle management stage and be ready for senior roles or consultancy more suited to your drive and perfectionist dedication. It could be you're operating at a level that's no longer for you. A coach could help you discover your next step or a change of direction.'

Then a coach would have the professional expertise to help her self reflect, reach conclusions and set goals - skills that her family don't have.

It must be really hard to work every hour you can and give a job your all only to be sacked because you’re not everyone’s mate. Then when trying to get back on your feet, even your own sister who lives miles and miles away won’t believe your lived experience but insists that it must always have been your fault and your behaviour that got you the sack because you’re “the common denominator.”

You have already decided that it is her fault that she was sacked which doesn't actually sound supportive. She is your sister not your child and I doubt she will change so just nod and don't get involved.

You can't fix this- and I doubt you will change her but you could show her another way. While she's staying with you, you could show her what a life outside work looks like. Take her along with you to where you normally go to enjoy yourself outside work- out with friends/ coffee/ gym/ hobbies/ book club... whatever.
I'd steer her away from job talk and why she was sacked. I'd validate her feelings- oh that sounds upsetting/ difficult etc etc and then move away from the topic.

I'd be postponing the visit. After all it's going to be much colder, and your sister will need to sign on, demonstrate looking for jobs from the beginning (insert other reason here).

She sounds ND. It’s unfortunate as she’ll find it very hard to see how she is perceived by others and they will find it hard to see her strengths in the workplace, because of how her weaknesses affect them.

Blimey, she sounds insufferable!
Some people do actually work to live, as opposed to live to work.

Early 50's, menopause? ( not that that's an excuse).

She's behaving like a child, not an adult.

Honestly, with 3 sackings in 7 years. I'd let her crack and on steer clear!

My sister likes to call me when she has certain problems. I don’t mind this in principle but she doesn’t like listening about my problems at all, plus some of her problems are not serious in my book (e.g mild cold for a few days of a family member) and she is going on and on about them. She also asks for an advice but then becomes very upset if I point out that she’s partially responsible for some of the problems (e.g quarrels with her adult child). It’s very exhausting. Couple of time she called when I had serious issues but I couldn’t literally to put a word in so obsessed she was. It’s like a talking therapy for her but quite the opposite for me.
She is like this straight away, after a few days she is better and much more sensible in a conversation.
So now if I learn from other family members that my sister has certain problems I just don’t call her or don’t take her calls for 3-4 days. I do text or answer her texts but not calls.
So in your situation I don’t think your sister should come now when it’s all so raw, tell her that you are busy/ going away/ redecorating and invite for a later visit.

As someone who has just worked with someone like this. She's about to transfer to another dept after putting me and then my boss through hell. I would say you need to stay away from your sister. Poor you.

What @Couchpotato3 and @Thunderpants88 said.

Whatever you grew up believing, your sister's crises aren't yours to fix. You no longer live with her. It has taken me 40+ years to understand fully both that I don't have to put energy into my sister's life other than to be a listening ear, and also that SHE will take me having a moan about some crisis of mine as a call to action which I don't in the least want!

I have an abject fear of being sacked and have arranged my life so that it has never happened (eg doing jobs well below my theoretical skills, tbh they are still hard and it's easier to make mistakes if youre bored so it's a fine line). My sister is a risk taker and has been sacked or pushed out from terrifyingly senior jobs several times. She bounces back. She's a completely different person from me. I prefer to talk about other stuff - find things you do like about her if you can.

I think it depends on what you want to do, if you genuinely want to help her and give her some insight to change you might have to tough it out and say "I told you before that I think you might have been in the wrong, and you should look at speaking to a professional, which I'm not" - but you can't ever change someone's behaviour, they have to want to change so it likely won't work. Also, she might take it very badly and it'll be an uncomfortable visit.

The other option is to maintain the family peace, give her a safe space to rant and then when you've had enough say something along the lines of "I think we've probably discussed work enough how about we xyz", set some internal limits on what you can put up with and then force a change.

I'd be tempted to have one last go at seeing if she'll listen. Stay very objective with "it sounds like whatever has happened, you've not got what you wanted from the situation, maybe speaking with a counsellor could help you figure out how to stop this happening again/next time. Im not a professional and i dont think i can help you here" - so you aren't really passing judgement, just stating that she's not happy with the way events transpired (which she can't deny). You're also basically saying you don't want to to hear it too.

Its not your job, she needs to find a therapist.

If it was my sister I would want to do something to help the situation rather than just providing a listening ear.

I think that my tactic would be to encourage her to think about some sort of executive coaching. Framed as use this time to progress your career and find a role which lets you take a step up / better use your strengths and talents. If she's honest with an executive coach they will support her to realise that this is at least partly her fault.

I also like pp suggestions of self employment, but I would be worried that without a bit more insight that she'll struggle to manage the people side of self employment (you definitely have to bite your tongue more with clients than with staff - and sounds like she isn't great at either).

This. Apart from chewing your ear off, and you can distract or engage, that’s up to you, this isn’t your your problem.

I wonder if she is ND, hyperfocused on work, no friends or other interests. Either she is the way she it sounds like she is the way she is and doesn’t want to recognise it.

Don’t allow her to focus the whole weekend on this. Maybe suggests she talks it through with a professional.

Don't waste your time trying to change her.
Move the subject on, nod, do whatever it takes to get through the trip.
With family that shows so little interest in others, I wouldn't hesitate to cut down on their visits, particularlyto stay..

And she may well be being bullied for it. Op, as you don't work with her you don't know the full story. Your sister is different and it could be that there is a vicious circle in operation. She is different and gets treated like an outsider, this may make her behave in the way that she does. Just a thought. You don't have to put up with her and you don't have to have her stay with you but how do you know that the problems are all of her her own making. Some people just don't fit in.

You seem to talk about her not having a relationship and of her fixation on work as though that's a bad thing, but she may love to work because she can't form relationships and being at work is her way of feeling as though she is part of a family. She's trying to make a go of things and failing. That's sad.