Would you check your partners phone if you suspected them cheating?

Right…

It would be impossible they have a code but I'd look for evidence yes

No. If it's come to that I would leave and I would break up with anyone checking my phone.

Of course, but only if I really suspected I'd find something.

What lack of respect is he showing if he's not cheating?

Yes. I did exactly that.

Really, I was pretty certain- although I’d picked the wrong person as the likely partner. It was a fucking mess.

Is it really that high-minded to not look at the phone? By the time there are children, finances and all the entanglements of a long term family life to consider?

I would consider it my responsibility to my children to get as much information as I could to make sure I handled any split with their best interests for the future in mind. Part of the whole classic Mumsnet 'get your ducks in a row'. I'm afraid my children's future is far, far more important to me than any notions of self-respect when it comes to someone else's privacy - especially a person who may not be looking out for them as they should. In your case he wouldn't just be doing the dirty on you but, far worse, hed be doing the dirty on your children. To me at that point any of the niceties about 'snooping' go out of the window.

Yes I would if I suspected cheating, it’s a lack of respect. So all bets are off.There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy.

If you found out he was cheating would you end the relationship?

I personally would end the relationship if my partner went through my phone and I assume most partners would do the same.

So by going through his phone (regardless of what you find) you are choosing to end the relationship.

I can’t help feeling that you don’t want to end the relationship, even if you found proof of cheating (which is understandable given your situation) but if you’re not going to end the relationship then why would you want to know?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I really hope he’s not cheating.

Sometimes people checking phones comes from a place of control. Women who post on here about their husbands doing this are often describing controlling relationships. In that case phone checking isn't ok. However in a situation where you would never normally do it but you are pretty sure something is going on I don't think either sex should be blamed for checking.

Yeah it's just ridiculous to say 'once you don't trust them the relationship is over' like who is a) going to blow up their marriage/life over a suspicion and b) could actually cope with never actually knowing what/if anything happened. That's not how human beings work.

Contrast this thread with all the "I caught my husband snooping through my phone" threads. On all of those, where his justification is to check if his wife is having an affair, the invariable response is that its a gross invasion of privacy, controlling, and to LTB.

husband of 25yrs wanted a divorce "no one else" etc etc. BUT he never had a lock on his phone - I knew something fishy was going on when he put one on.

I did some digital snooping and soon found the mistress. It put me in a strong position as I had evidence of his lying when he wanted to appear "the good guy who had just fallen out of love" to our DC and his family. I did not get blindsided by the revelations when they came and I was able to convince him to have an honest conversation with the DC before they found out.

Knowing gave me time to think. So yes, find out as much as you can and prepare yourself emotionally.

Did the women's name come up or did you recognise the number I would have screenshot the incoming call , they usually delete it . Think about what you want to do if he is cheating, in a few days say oh forgot to tell you xxxx rang, she didn't leave a message.if he gets defensive about you looking at his phone just say it was ringing and ringing so you answered it.

A bit naive and short-sighted. How else would you find out then, if you did suspect something?
Most mothers don't have the luxury of thinking 'I'm not going to check his phone because the relationship is over now anyway'.
It's a bit more nuanced than that, in reality.

Yep.

Yes I would. I’ve never had to thankfully.

Agreed, seen too many women blindsided to believe in that anymore.

Absolutely 💯

I did, once, and I was right. I think you know when you know, and looking for evidence isn't wrong.

I would have if I had a serious suspicion, but in 19 years I’ve never even considered it a possibility.

If I were suspicious enough to look at this point we’d have had significant issues leading up to it I think.

Yes, absolutely.
Stuff all that high minded nonsense about “snooping”, if someone is betraying you, you need to know, so you can make your plans.
As pointed out upthread, they’re hardly likely to tell you - at least not until they’re leaving.

I wouldn’t confront him straight away, either. I would amass information, get my ducks in a row and get ready not to be shafted in a separation.

Yes I would look if I was suspicious.

I do kind of agree that if you've reached that stage it's not a great relationship anyway but things can change and relationships can be worked on.

Yes, but you need to be prepared about what you might find

Nope. My partner going through my phone would be an absolute red line for me, relationship would be over. So I'd be a bit of a hypocrite to do it to her.

If it got to a point where I suspected her of cheating though, then the relationships probably over anyway.