To think we should have the same amount of child free time at the weekend?

A weekday evening when the kids are in bed is not special extra childfree time. Surely everyone gets that once their kids go to bed?

I'd start scheduling things at the weekends if I were you!

Could you try to take something up? It makes no sense but some men are happier to watch the kids while their wife goes to a Pilates class/book club/cafe with friend/whatever, than while she sits upstairs with a book.

I appreciate that you probably just want to relax rather than join a new hobby! Could you try saying you're off to get your nails done or something? My point is that when you're out of the house it's easier because he can't claim it's unfair that you're going out (as he goes out) & no temptation to rely on Mum because she's there...

Of course YANBU. As if he wouldn't also be trying to even things up if it was the other way around!

The one thing I'd really take up with him Op is the business of your DM being there to help, it's not about having another adult to help you, he's their DF and they're his responsabilty too. Too many men seem to think getting a woman to do their share counts as parenting.

The whole equal 50/50 thing on MN does my head in a bit.

Life just doesn't work like that.

I went PT at work when DS was born because I wanted to. I accepted that meant I would do more childcare and house stuff because I was at home 2 days in the week.

However, I did expect DH to do his bit when he was at home. He always did the bedtime routine and an expressed bottle, but he loved that as he hadn't seen DS all day.

He even gave up his season ticket for a few years as he didn't want to be out all day. They go together now.

He still ran, but he looked after ds when when I went out or to a class or whatever. We both had a lie in on the weekend, or neither of us did if we had things to do.

Yes, it was tough, and we only had one! We have no family locally, so it was just us, and we made it work, usually by discussion, but yes, there were rows! It's all about being a partnership and grown-ups. Not tit for tat, jusya bit of equity.

An hour alone to enjoy a tea when you have had the kids all day is not unreasonable.

OP also does a sport twice a week

Is he actually getting more time to himself than you? You mention 5 or 6 hours every other weekend. How much time is your twice a week sport over a two week period? He might be taking the view that you have a similar amount of time for your own activities, it’s not his fault that your ‘me-time’ falls during an easier parenting slot, and he gave up the sport and you encouraged him to take it up again.

i think the stag do is a bit of a red herring, because that’s a one off.

Don't get me wrong, I completely agree that you both should have an equal opportunity for free time, and getting an hour to yourself after having the kids all day is not much to ask, but maybe you need to sit down and try and talk about it properly when you’re not both tired and irritable. Explain that you’re frustrated and worn down because you don’t actually get a break from the kids at the weekend and 6 hours on your own is pretty tough at this stage. Can you take yourself off by yourself today for a while - go for a coffee, sort walk etc., just get a bit of a break?

Ask him why he hasn't been trying to equal it out and whether he thinks it is fair for one partner to have much more free time than the other.

Sorry, OP. You’ve married a bad one there. Only thing you can do is stand your ground, don’t relent and see what happens.

He then got grumpy and we had an argument because he said he feels like I’m always trying to equal it out.

“Your point being?” would be my answer here. Why shouldn’t you have equal time - and why does he find this annoying?

He then got grumpy and we had an argument because he said he feels like I’m always trying to equal it out.

Your husband thinks he is more important and deserves his own time more than you. That’s really the scenario here.

Do you work full time outside of the home, or more importantly do you get any child free time during the week?

I was a sahm when mine were tiny so once they were in pre school I did get time out, i couldn't really moan about golf for 4-5 hours when I had 2.5 hours per day for myself (yes I did housework but I could also so things for me)

You shouldn't HAVE to equal things out! Does he think he's Lord of the Manor, swanning about with just himself to think about?
I can understand wanting 30 mins to sort himself out when he gets through the door. But then it's your turn for a quiet hot drink, to pee in peace & just have some time without a child wanting something from you.

Do you have any time left in between all these sports to do things as a family?
DH and I have had to knock some things on the head- there’s simply not enough time and we don’t have much family, there’s no childminding.

I think it depends what people chose to
prioritise. DH & I don't get time for much sport anymore because time is taken up with dcs hobbies, spending time as a family &
then seeing wider friends & family. We have to squeeze the odd gym/yoga class into the week.

If he's out for 5-6 hours doing his own thing you should get the same as well as weekends away etc. as well as time in together to spend with the kids.

Realistically that's a struggle to fit that all into a weekend though.

Does he have the same time off on the evenings?

Do you have any time left in between all these sports to do things as a family?
DH and I have had to knock some things on the head- there’s simply not enough time and we don’t have much family, there’s no childminding.

Were there any discussions or expectations about this before you both had children?
He sounds like he is leading a bachelor lifestyle whilst expecting you to stay at home and deal with everything.

I think you need to sit him down and explain you want and need as much free time as him and you are trying to ‘equal it out’. I don’t think it’s going to go down very well by the sounds of it.

If he was considerate HE would be trying to equal it out!

Does that matter?
Most people left very different lives before they had children and then changed them to suit being parents.

God why are we always expected to do the heavy lifting. Absolutely it should be fair. Not sure why that's being raised as a negative. If he's out for 5-6 hours doing his own thing you should get the same as well as weekends away etc. as well as time in together to spend with the kids. it's only fair when you have little kids and are in the survival mode phase. Maybe time to get the calendar out so you can even things up.

That all sounds really frustrating. I think the problem will continue to be if you "spring" your time alone on him when his is quite scheduled it might continue to lead to arguments (not that I blame you at all for how you're doing it currently).

Are you able to schedule it more, so for example, right you do X every week so I want to do Y (whatever that looks like; whether it's a hobby of your own or if it is simply to say, when you get back I will be tired so I expect you to do dinner and I am going to have some time alone upstairs).

I think as other posters have pointed out, you need to sit down and ask him why he thinks things shouldn't be equal.

It's bad enough that he was grumpy all weekend before he was doing the sport, signalling then that he didn't enjoy time as a family but the mask really slipped with that comment.

Like 90 per cent of men, he thinks you should run the home, do the child rearing and see to his needs.