AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

@AdventuresInMothering and you went ahead knowing it can have an impact on a child.

No, absolutely not. None of the 4600 people in that fb group have ever taken a single second to consider the emotional or psychological impact on their children of being donor conceived or having a solo parent. Definitely none of us ever read books about it, made an effort to meet other solo mums with older children, sought private counseling or took up the offered (sometimes mandatory) "implications counseling" at fertility clinics. No one joined support groups or built friendships with other solo parents so their children would grow up knowing other children with similar family set ups. Nobody ever spoke to their children about how they came to be or bought any of the multitude of books specifically written to explain donor conception, solo parenthood, or family diversity to children. We all just merrily jogged down to the sperm bank and said inseminate me now please, I've just this minute decided I'd like a baby

This would suggest he never wanted children OP. If you are so keen to go it alone, I would do that.

But the OP wants children! Your life might be ok for you but if a woman want kids then in my experience that feeling doesn't go away and can't be replaced with weekends away! There is so much more to parenting than endless shrieking and wiping up poo and vomit at 6am! This you will never know!

I’m going to say that not all women who are childless are regretting it by the time they are in their 50s.

The ones who don’t regret it are those who were very clear they didn’t want chikdren. It was their choice, not chosen by them by circumstances.

I think getting your head around it when all you want is a child (eg infertility) is a totally different ball game.

Id be very careful about the whole story around ‘women in their 50s I know are all delighted to have had children and now grandchildren’.
Let’s be honest, raising children is hard (with it wo a partner). You might forget how hard it was as they grow up and have children of their own, but there is no escaping that. I certainly have wondered why the heck I had mines at times.
You have no idea whether it will be a case ‘easy children. Just plain sailing parenting’ or ‘life is now hell because children has some SN very hard to manage or I now got a disability/chronic health that makes it 100x harder’.
And then children often move away from their home town as you won’t be seeing them and said grandchildren that much.

I really wouldn’t bank on that the Disney story of ‘and they were happy ever after’ once you have dcs. It might be utterly amazing. Or it might extremely hard work. You need to plan for both

You’re 34…

Your adult stepdaughter having children and making you a step-grandparent, in your thirties, is not going to make this go away. It risks making you feel worse actually, and there being a potential clash between you and your SD.

By the sounds of it the OP can offer a child love, nurturing, care, financial support and a stable home. Struggling to see the selfish part of this?
A child needs one stable, loving care giver to enable them to develop into healthy adults. Basic attachment theory.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, one parent or two, step parents, two dads, two mums, non-binary the list is endless.
I personally am raising two little absolute bundles of joy in a loving and secure home, they have amazing grandparents, aunties, uncles, family friends. A village.
I grew up with an absent father, I am a perfectly healthy, emotionally sound adult, well educated and thriving, as are my 3 adults siblings. All successful in life and certainly not damaged by the absence of one parent.

OP - I absolutely love single parenting and I wish you the best of luck. Build your village, find your support network and have your family. Solo parent or not, you will still be a family unit. Children are raised and educated in school with an understanding of ‘differences’ in family homes, they are a lot more open minded and accepting than most adults (thankfully). I go back to my first point, love, nurture, stable home, financially secure and your time and presence creates a healthy child.

Do you have life/medical insurance OP? If so then go for it alone I say. Also go to an egg clinic and have your egg reserves checked. I did that when I was 40. My reserves were good. I could have had a baby with IVF and a sperm donor but then we had a pandemic. I was almost going to fly abroad to a clinic. It all worked out too expensive. I'm okay with it for various reasons- I have a progressive health condition and I've not ruled out fostering and adoption. I'm single atm but I'd absolutely cut and run from a partner if I was ready to foster or adopt and they didn't want to. You'd need to be okay with being single or having a non involved partner- yes you might also possibly meet another partner who is involved but that's not guaranteed. Also build a good network through mum groups etc.

YANBU. If you want a child and he doesn’t you sadly need to end the relationship.

You still have time to meet someone who does want a child, so may not have to go solo. But plenty of women have done it for decades.

I’m a single parent. My child does have a father but he’s on a practical level pretty useless and continually disappoints our child. I believe it would be easier for me to parent and less wearing for our child if he wasn’t in the picture. For this reason I say absolutely go for it, the perfect nuclear family is for most people a complete myth (perpetuated to trap women into providing free labour for men imo). But what is not a myth is that being a mother and raising a baby is wonderful and I would wholeheartedly recommend it. It’s hard but worth it x

At the age of 34, I think time is of the essence. Don’t spend another year or two considering your options. If you are going to go it alone, the younger you are, the better.

I’d be seriously pissed off with him. He’s reneged on his decision and I can’t see how adopting would help. I think as you go through your thirties and early forties, the feeling of longing for a baby will only get worse.

I would go straight
to the fertility clinic and see if this is viable with your egg reserve. Don’t delay. And then tell DH and if he still doesn’t want to, leave. Good luck! Don’t leave it any longer.

He’s selfishly happy to run down your biological clock until it runs out. That is an awful thing for him to do.

Leave.

A very good point, well made. I assume that was something that was obvious from the start.

It's your call and you must decide what you want more, decent husband or a child.
I'm happily married, child free, don't know the feeling of wanting one (46 yo), so what you want is as alien to me as wanting to go bungee jumping.
But, only you know what makes you fulfilled.
🍀

You need to start on finding another partner asap or going to a sperm bank.

As a starting point, you should have some tests done to see what your fertility is like.

If ok then, maybe date for a year or two and see if you meet anyone else and if not then go down the sperm bank route.

Your marriage is all but over. You and DH want very different things.

In years to come you will be so thankful when you have a child in your arms. You can do this!

I can't imagine throwing away everything you have to do something so reckless.

You obviously don't love your DH.

It sounds like an early midlife crisis to be honest.

I'm a similar age to you and no kids, I have a very fulfilled life and I can't imagine discarding my DH because he won't be a sperm donor, or bringing kids into our carefree lives. Swapping breakfast in bed, impromptu weekends away and time with friends, and being able to do anything we want at any time for endless shrieking and wiping up poo and vomit at 6am - no thanks.

I think you should

I think you're being unfair to ask him what you're asking so you're best going it alone

I’m a single parent by choice by adoption. I’m 60 now and ds is 19. There were hard phases (toddler and teens) and I was lucky to have my mother around and supportive for much of it before she died. I have wondered if it was the best thing for ds from time to time but for me, I have never regretted it.

I have no idea how much harder it is to do it solo as I had no comparison- but I was very financially stable for most of it which helps.

I know 2 women who raised children as single parents, both were left by their partners when they were pregnant. Both of those children are now mid to late twenties. It was ridiculously hard and those women sacrificed a lot. Both had reasonable careers but money was always short as just the one of them. The only woman I know who was going to go down the sperm donation route was SIL but she was over 40 and after various tests costing quite a lot they said she would never get pregnant with her own eggs. So she didn’t go ahead.

What of the children of the women who raised them alone? I’m afraid the lad of one is obnoxious, dominates his Mother and is unpleasant. The girl, who is my great niece is a lovely lass but has some definite issues about not having a Father and has talked about it openly with me. Within my family there has been a lot of support from us.

I personally wouldn’t recommend going it alone, I only have a sample of two, they both have had really hard lives. Both suffer from health issues that are related to stress.

Before you make any decision get a full fertility check, again a small sample but two of my friends never had children. They had the man and lovely relationships but had huge far reaching issues that meant they never had children.

About a third of my friends have had children and the relationships they want that aren’t just making do. It’s tough out there and even with the best plans life happens.

If you've always known he can't/won't be a father then it's you that's changed

How are you proposing getting pregnant if you stay with him?

I left a long term loving relationship over the same issue. The only difference was I was a bit younger than you so had more time. Met DH straight away and we have 3 kids in lease than 3 years and I would change any of them. Married 25 years.

Honesty - if he doesn’t want to make you happy - then he needs to go.

Lots of people single parent children, with differing levels of success, often without any choice (accidental pregnancy, loss of partner etc). I don’t think there is any issue if you go down this road, really, but you’d need to be super organised if you don’t have a support network - will your parents help and support, do you earn enough that you could explore hiring a nanny (even part-time) so that you have a second adult on call for crises or to help when you are ill; is your job flexible that you can WFH if DC is poorly and can’t go into nursery etc. Not insurmountable problems, but accumulatively they can be stress inducing if you’ve not planned and thought them through.

My sister stayed with a man who from the outset stated he actively wanted children/marriage. Strung her along until 38 before confessing he didn’t fancy either any more. She was devastated as it was too late to meet someone and start again. She didn’t have the means to go it alone. At 34 you have time to do it via IVF or to meet someone. I’d go for it, but talk it through with your parents if they are still around and sound them out with respect to whether they would be your emergency back up etc. I am guessing there may be forums for other IVF single mums out there that might be able to help you decide?

Aah, all these replies have brought back all my regrets of not having a third child. Definitely go for it OP, the desire won't go away. I look back now and feel so stupid for leaving having children as late as 32 (which a lot of mumsnetters will think is young!). I then (again stupidly) put off trying for another until I was 35, but struggled to conceive/miscarriages, and didn't have my 2nd until I was 38. I know I could have tried for another one after that, but I didn't want to get pregnant again straight away, and then I was in my forties, and just felt like time ran away.

I feel so grateful and lucky for the children I do have - it was the thing I'd been searching for all through my twenties (but didn't realise), and being a mother is the essence of who I am.

Hire help postpartum and then get a live-in Au Pair or nanny if you can. Or consider multigenerational living if it’s an option with your parents? It gives you so much more flexibility if you have someone live in, just to do little things like pop out to get milk