AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

Take it from someone who struggled incredibly hard to be able to have a child WITH a husband who was equally as keen; the longing consumes you!

We were finally lucky enough to have a healthy son but I still feel immense sadness, years later, that he's an 'only'.

If you stay with this man, you'll end up resenting him & your relationship will break down anyway; by which point, your best fertility years will be behind you.

You need to have a frank & honest conversation NOW. And be fully prepared to walk away if you have to.

OP, I longed for a baby but missed my chance, and have never stopped regretting it. My friends and relatives around my age are now becoming grandparents, which reawakens all that pain.

I love them all, and congratulate them and join in the celebrations and visits. It hasn’t ruined my life. I am now very happily married. Enjoying life and actually happier than when I was young. But, for me, that longing never went away.

I’ve heard that as we get old, what we most regret in life are the things we didn’t do, the opportunities we didn’t take — or make.

I hope you make the decision that’s right for you xx

Being a solo parent from before birth means I don't know any difference. Yes it's hard, tiring and frustrating when all you want is 2 minutes to yourself but at the same time I've got this little guy that relies on me so I just get on with it.
You will work out how to be the best solo parent you can be and how to manage day to day life because you have no other choice. At the beginning it's really hard juggling everything but you eventually get into a routine and now I've got this amazing ds that I put my all into.

I say go for it, you will only regret it if you don't.

What is your support network like? How would having a baby honestly work in your life?

I will get flamed for this (and will ignore those posts). Having been deceived by him regarding adoption, which has its own risks, and his disingenuous excuse of knowing the risks of pregnancy to your health better than doctors, I would deceive him. I would get pregnant by him and then leave. I would never ask anything from him after that.

You know the gene pool and his medical history. Sperm donor pregnancies are not cheap. He has strung you along while having you co parent his child. Effectively saying his child should be enough for you and, unlike him, you don’t deserve the experience of being a parent. I wouldn’t think twice of taking that parting gift from him.

My DDs bio dad has never been in her life. I won't go into the backstory here, just wanted to say that she is a very happy, well adjusted and confident teenager now. She has good male role models in my DF, DGF and DB and she knows she can ask about her DF at any time. She doesn't feel the need! Single parent hood has been fine - absolutely doable and happy. I've been with my DP for 4 years now and we have been living together for 2 years. He has a DS of a similar age and honestly things go along in a very nice fashion!

I think you need to work out what is more important to you - but I suspect you already know the answer!

This desire will not go away and you will massively resent him once this window has closed in however many years down the line. My mum was widowed when I was very young so was a single parent ( she met a longer term partner when I was a bit older but that’s been a shit show and not relevant to your post! ) and she often muses that it was hard at times not to have someone to tap in/out with but the flip side is we are so* close. We got to have some amazing adventures together and I loved every minute of my childhood with her when it was just me and her.

Absolutely not. If he's not 100% keen on adoption and it sounds in the OP as though he isn't keen anymore then you could seriously traumatise this child. I know an adopted child for whom one adopted parent was at best lukewarm about them and just went along for the sake of the partner. This is far worse imo.

You can either disappoint him, or disappoint yourself.

Good point. About 42% of marriages end in divorce.

"Your first responsibility to making you happy is to yourself. "

This.

At 34 you can leave your husband and look for another partner who wants children.

Because you don't really want to be a grandmother. You want to be a mother. Another woman having a child that you sometimes look after won't change that, and you shouldn't live vicariously though another woman.

Leave and try to have a child if that's what you want.

Because YOU want children and your post suggests you seem to view your SD as a potential brood mare to meet your personal desire for children. Nothing wrong with wanting to be a grandparent. But you want children yourself. They are different roles.

In your position OP I chose to leave. I knew that in time I would resent DH, and then that resentment would stop me loving him, and we’d split up eventually. And by then it would be too late to have kids anyway. I tried for years to persuade myself to accept a childless life with the man I loved, but I couldn’t do it.

I have 2 kids by donor sperm, both in their teens, and also a partner now as well. I have no regrets at leaving DH, not a single one.

As for being a single parent - well I would say it was harder than being in a couple with a helpful partner, but easier than being with an unhelpful partner! I knew I was going to be on my own from the start, so there were no horrible shocks. I actually have really fond memories of those early months when DS1 was a baby, and it was the 2 of us against the world! Of course there are times when it can feel overwhelming, being the sole parent of 2 kids, but it was all I’d ever wanted, and it was the best decision I ever made.

That is not the same thing. I am the child of a single parent. It was never the plan for my mum and things happen, but I can’t say that it’s the life I would’ve chosen for myself. My mum is amazing and whilst i am overall fine, it has had an impact on me. I understand you want a child, but the first thing about being a parent is putting your child first. Would this really be fair on them? I think adoption would be an absolutely amazing thing to do and would urge you to consider that instead.

I agree, preferring adoption seems unusual

Because you're 34 and want a baby of your own. And really you wouldn't even be a step-grandparent, he would be the step-grandparent.

That longing will never go away. The resentment would only build and build.

If I were in your position, I’d leave and start dating. Being a single parent is far more challenging than you might expect - it can be incredibly lonely without someone to share the special parenting moments with or to vent to during the tough times. I absolutely love being a mum, but there were moments when I felt trapped, especially with small babies. There’s no easy way to step out for a breather, whether that’s a quick run, a gym session, or whatever helps you unwind.

I know many people complain about online dating, but it’s genuinely how most people connect these days. Before meeting my boyfriend, I went on dates with some great men. I did come across quite a few who were looking for marriage and starting a family, which wasn’t what I wanted. The key is to be selective and clear about your intentions from the start.

OP, it seems to me that you are determined to go ahead with your plan and are mainly looking for affirmation, not honesty.

Who do you have IRL that you can trust and that you respect to talk about all of this with?

This is weird and creepy. You are only 34, you can't redirect your desire to have children to someone else having them and meeting your needs vicariously. Focus on the situation you are in and don't view others as unwitting players in your dilemma.

Do you have wider family who would be there to support you? There are all sorts of potential problems, practical as well as the mental load of single parenthood. (Imagine yourself with really debilitating flu or norovirus. Who would look after your active toddler?)

But despite all that, if it was me I don’t think the longing would go away. I don’t think childcare of your SD's children would assuage the longing.

Perhaps your DH doesn’t realise the intensity or seriousness of your feelings. If you told him the choice was you getting pregnant with his child or you leaving him and using a sperm bank, I wonder what he would say.

@Gerwurtztraminer Some very valid points. I became a single mother when my children were very young and if it wasn’t for the fact my ex earned a lot of money, so I had a very good maintenance, I honestly don’t know how I would have coped. I didn’t need to work which was just as well as my first attempts were a logistical nightmare. I did go back to work when youngest started seniors but had I not had the luxury to be a stahm I just don’t know how I would have managed financially (not a high earner myself) or timewise. Unless you have an amazing support network single parenting is exhausting, it’s 24/7. I had minimal as my mum couldn’t cope with looking after youngsters and their dad lived abroad for a fair chunk of their childhood (and nowhere near us even when in the UK).

One of the hardest things is when you're worried about them (because they're ill or maybe they are out too late when older) and you have no one to help absorb that worry or keep you calm, that was (still is) one of the hardest aspects of single parenting for me, worrying all by yourself.