AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

Not in the slightest. He’s moved the goalposts unilaterally. I feel sorry for the woman who believed what he was saying and failed to recognise that the vasectomy was a red flag.

@spottedinthewild

single parent here. Yes, having children is hard! With or without a partner. There will always be sleepless nights, worries, moments of doubts and so on. But there is also so much joy and fulfillment.

The one thing that is hard (for me) is when they are sick and I have to take off work. But it has been like that with or without a partner. When we were still together, if any of the DC got sick I was the one who was up all night, I had to take off work. It has been easier and less lonely to parent on my own than with him.

My family doesnt live near us, but I know they are there if I need them. I have brilliant friends that will help when I need them. And, thankfully, work is very understanding that kids come first for all the staff.

Being honest, being a single parent has been far better and easier than with my ex DP. Money will be tight at times (for example, when sorting out school stuff and uniforms, christmas…), loneliness can creep in (a fonecall to a friend sorts that out for me), medical worries (again, support from friends) would be a few of the things to consider.. but if u have a good net around you, go for it. The longing will always be there, and the regrets of the what ifs will consume you.

best of luck x

Cross post - I’ve answered this above.

Edited to say: unless you mean the medical condition. That’s also in the OP:

He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine.

When did he do that?

The post by the OP at 8.14 when asked if they had discussed this before marriage:

Yep, at the beginning he was agreeable to it but we were in our twenties and had no money, living at home etc. Now we're in a position to do it, and he no longer wants to.

Also the part of the OP that says:

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine.

@BunnyLake and that is a conversation you have to have, and that should be OP’s primary consideration not the pros and cons of being a single parent

That is a conversation I’d never want to have. Even the hypothetical thought of having to sit my child down and tell them that would fill me with dread. You can’t predict how they would react and it could be very badly.

Where do you get that from? There’s nothing in the OP to indicate he spent years assuring her he wanted to start a family.

Well I think it’s because most people aren’t thinking in terms of being a gp at your age. It’s not creepy though, I think that’s a bit harsh.

A man who has future faked his wife for years and is literally gaslighting her by telling her her medical condition is something it is not?

I don’t know about ‘just you’ since I haven’t polled everyone else on this thread but I certainly don’t.

I am baffled by his bizarre circumstances.

I’ve never wanted kids and never regretted not having them (too old now).

I think you should leave.

If you stay, I think your marriage is irretrievably damaged anyway. Him making up your medical condition preventing you having children is just weird.

Edited because you are of a similar age.

Damn! I missed that. Thank you 🫣

Does anyone else here feel sorry for the OP's husband or is it just me?

There's probably pro's and cons in terms of what your experience would be as a solo parent, but my biggest concern with your plan would be how the child themselves would feel about being donor-conceived. I think that's quite a big thing you'd have to deal with actually and shouldn't be underestimated.

"He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine."

This sounds dishonest and manipulative - not how things should be in a truly loving relationship. You have the right to make your own choices - if he cannot accommodate that then you may have to go your separate ways.

I know a few women that had ivf with donors and were single mums - none regretted it. I also know one that had a n egg donor and a sperm donor. Obviously it is not plain sailing, but they all did it.

One had an severe accident beforehand, she was monitored during pregnancy and had a baby via c-section. All healthy. She also met someone soon after who had a dh of his own and now they are a happy blended family.

It sounds like you want a child, whether through ivf and if it didnt work out, adoption (like your husband suggested but probably never meant). The heartbreak of splitting up with your spouse would go, the lament if wanting a child and never having on will not.

As others have suggested talk to fertility clinics, this website found on fertility network uk may also help form your thinking dcnetwork.org

The rot isn't about having a child. He agreed, you committed on that basis. He retracted his agreement. It's about betrayal and there's no coming back from that.

Being a single parent t and whether it's navigable is a different matter and a different thread but for now, if this is a compromise too far you need to leave and start the next chapter of your life.

I wouldn’t actively become a single parent - no. Children really need fathers and to purposefully go ahead with a plan that gives a child no ability to experience a father is a selfish action. I know people will get defensive at me stating that, but look up the world selfish and tell me that action isn’t exactly that. It prioritises the mother with no thought to the child.

Personally I would (and I did) leave a relationship and find a new relationship with someone who is open to children. You are young enough to walk away and start afresh and still have kids.

Leaving your husband and meeting someone else who wants a family, fine. I don't think the sperm bank option is one you should consider.

Absolutely this plus it’s not uncommon for step mothers and step children to kids contact if the marriage to the “father” breaks down (I say father in inverted commas because he’s not actually her biological father). Don’t rely on DSD being in your life still when she’s an adult

if you really want a child then you have to leave - it’s an area where no compromise is possible

This really, leave him and good luck.

He's had a vasectomy. How do you suggest she gets that reversed without him knowing?

I think that the most important consideration is if you have family support near by for when your child is ill etc and you can't take time off work.