AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

Yeah I think the signs were probably there. OP was hoping he would come around and he hasn’t. Unfortunate but not quite the same as “fake future”.

It's his reluctance to talk and shut things down and also not listen to you that would make me want to leave here. It doesn't sound like he'll change his mind. I think you're better off leaving now if you do want children.

it was a figure of speech. It’s still not a conversation (in whatever context that is) that I personally would want and for me personally it’s not an avenue I would have ever entertained, but that is just my personal feeling. If it was donor by the actual husband (because of vasectomy) that’s different and I’d do that but I wouldn’t have a stranger’s donation.

I agree, that’s a massive red flag but the OP says he promised children anyway and kept promising children for years.

So classic future faking.

I am sorry this is the situation you find yourself in. And there are no easy answers. If you stay, you may find the life you have is better than you think, GC come along and change things. You could find you leave and can't conceive or have a special needs child and cannot work and look after your child. You may be super lucky, fall pregnant easily, have a easy child and everything is rosy. Just no easy answers to this dilemma. And only you can make that decision. Best of luck with whatever choice you make.

You must must must do everything you can to have a child if you know you want one. I feel really strongly about this. I see women choosing a man over having a child and it is always the wrong decision. The two things just don’t compare.

I say this as someone with a severely disabled child who makes my life incredibly difficult in lots of ways. And yet I would not trade anything for the unique experience of motherhood.

I’m going to say that not all women who are childless are regretting it by the time they are in their 50s.
The ones who don’t regret it are those who were very clear they didn’t want chikdren. It was their choice, not chosen by them by circumstances.
I think getting your head around it when all you want is a child (eg infertility) is a totally different ball game.
I'd be very careful about the whole story around ‘women in their 50s I know are all delighted to have had children and now grandchildren’.

I totally agree with all of those points @LionME
There have also been several threads on MN from women have have regretted having children, but the very idea is seen as taboo.

The issue is that of the most posters on this thread are ridiculously broody and can't give an unbiased opinion.

Just go for it. I’m a single parent. Have done it all in my own since my child was 2 and pretty much before then too tbh.

I have my own house, worked full-time and have given my son a good life, I think.

I have a few friends that are single and have done the sperm donor route and all are happy with happy children.

Its not easy, especially when little and you sometime think what the hell am I doing but it passes quickly.

My DS is 15 now, independent and goes out and about and happy to be left on his own if I want to go out for a meal, so I’m just getting my life back. He’s a typical teenager and some days I want to bury him under the patio but I wouldn’t change it.

Me either. I think what he has been pulling is quite distasteful and underhanded.

@spottedinthewild Take my advice, views as you will but here they are.

Having a child, whether via sperm donation or adoption, is life changing. Yes, it would be hard, easier if you have family support near or can afford to hire a child carer/nanny. You will be tired, you will be cranky at times and you will want to run away at times.
That said, you will also feel more joy, more love, more protectiveness, more happiness than you ever thought existed. A child will pee on you, poop on you and throw up all over you, probably when you are already late, already dressed for work or a date. But, it is forgotten when those little lips give you a big kiss and those arms stretch around your neck for a "mommy hug".

I also have a DGD. It is wonderful, and we have such a special, unique and loving relationship. BUT, I am not and never have been her mother. I didn't get the joy my DD got setting up a nursery, picking out a coming home outfit, buying little diapers, little onesies or anything else. That was HER joy, the way it is supposed to be. So no, I don't think a DGC can take the place of being a mother, and I say that even though I raised my DD from birth. Both are wonderful, in their own way, but they are not the same.

I hope that you will get to experience the joy of motherhood. It's not easy, by any stretch, yet nothing is more rewarding.

There's only ever been one thing I've been 100% certain of in my life and that was wanting to be a Mum. It was the first thing I made sure of before settling into a relationship. If that's what you want, there is no middle ground and it won't pass.

I have children as a single parent the way you are proposing. It's been brilliant. You will resent him if you don't try.
My friend was on the phone to me last week still struggling in her sixties about giving up her chance to really try for children with her ex husband who had many dc already.

I must be an anomaly then because my regrets are mostly the things I did do and if I had my time again, wouldn’t.

There are plenty of amazing single parents. But if you make a conscious choice to go down this route make sure you cover all possibilities. E.g. If you had a child with special needs your ability to keep doing your well paid job could be compromised which makes a huge difference when you have sole responsibility. Parenthood is always a lottery.

I agree. I think it's really weird.

Did you know early in the relationship that he had had the vasectomy - as in, a clear statement that he never wanted children? Were you listening?

Or was that a much later revelation that he initially kept a secret? Was he telling you the truth?

The difference is important.

Whichever, he's told you and told you and told you for a while now that he doesn't want to.

With an adult SD in the mix, I wonder if he is older than you are?

The prospect of later fatherhood can be daunting. The energy levels alone can be a challenge.

I wonder if the whole pregnancy, childbirth, baby thing grosses him out hence taking steps young to ensure it never happens for him?

He says he has a concern about your spinal health - he might be terrified of what he's projecting that might do to you, even leave him raising a child alone - but that might well be a handy excuse he's latched on to. Something he can cling to, even tho the consultant has reassured you.

He has the right not to want children and to stick to his boundaries.

Just as you have the right to want.

Neither wish trumps the other, neither should have to give in.

So your choice is

Stay together, and never have children, living with regret and resentment.

(And never forget how often we hear of women who resign themselves to staying childless for a man who didn't want them - only for him to bugger off with a younger woman when she hits her 40s and bingo there's a baby for him.)

Stay together and do the getting pregnant some other way, maybe in secret, knowing he doesn't want this - and risk his regret and resentment and a poor child who wasn't wanted by his legal father.

(Don't assume he'll fall in love with a fait accompli baby.)

Stay together and explore fostering (which takes a very special set of skills) or adopting - bearing in mind if he's clearly not enthusiastic you may not be found suitable.

Agree that you just want different things and go your separate ways, hoping that you will be able to conceive and carry safely and that your consultant was right.

All the best to you both whatever you decide. But you have to be having the hard conversations, not the arguments, now.

If I were adopted and knew from very early on I’d be fine with it but if I was the result of a donor I would feel very discombobulated by that. I think it would shake my foundations. That's me, I can’t speak for others.

@hazelnutvanillalatte I’m adopted and never not known, very much part of my story.

My issue is that in all of OP’s posts and many other posters are not putting the child’s story first and foremost, which it should be. Many children may not be bothered, many others maybe. But it needs to be the consideration when deciding to use a sperm donor.

Yes I’m turning myself into a bit of a pretzel with this. In his twenties he had a step daughter considerably older than a 20 something would usually have (fair enough if partner was older or a very young mum). Although he had no children of his own he had a vasectomy in his twenties but also in his twenties he was up for having children with the OP. I can’t make sense of that.

So like everything it has up and down sides 😁 but to be honest, if you’re financially sorted then that takes out a lot of the downsides. The problem is, if you don’t do this then the decision will be taken away from you eventually and you’ll potentially be living with regret for the rest of your life. I always say, and I stand by this, it is the things we don’t do that we regret. Raising children alone is tough at times, no one to fall back on when you’re ill or just need a break, lonely without that significant other to share pride in them etc, but conversely, it can also be easier. Lots of men don’t share the burden equally, revert back to children themselves when they don’t get all the attention, and create more work than they help with. You read the stories on here literally every day. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that on balance, doing it by yourself is probably no worse. I’ve been a working mum, a parent in a relationship, a single parent, and now parenting with my partner and his kids. All are tough in different ways but the ONE thing that is consistent is that my children are my heart, and my joy and bring real meaning to my life. The deep and profound love I feel for them is worth everything.

If he was agreeable why did he have a vasectomy in his twenties?

You don't 'sit them down and tell them,' it's always part of their story, the same as they learn who their family is in any other situation. There are children's books and donor parenting groups. Multiple people in my family and friendship group have used donors for different reasons with the oldest now having had children of their own. It really doesn't have to be a topic that fills anyone with dread.

Absolutely and it would be enough for me not to pursue that particular avenue. It’s one thing to tell them they're adopted, as they already exist anyway, but having to have the donor conversation wouldn’t be something I’d ever want to do.

I was going to say this also. If you're serious about going it alone or even engaging him in a proper discussion then I'd have all the facts first

For those saying their child has never missed out on having a dad, do you think your child would tell you, as their mum, that? Is it a bit like children going through a divorce where they will tell each parent what they think they want them to hear.

Even if a child has said to mum they haven’t missed out, I bet some have told their mates that they missed out, wondered what he was like etc.