AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

Ah, the old “get a pet” line. Always comes from people who’ve got kids already. @Notinmylifethyme I’m sorry your parenting experience wasn’t what you hoped, but your situation is different, in that you never expected to be doing it on your own. It’s very very different to be forced into a situation than it is to choose it, and be prepared for it. I’m guessing the father of your children either left you or died, both of which would have been extremely traumatic. OP is not facing this situation.

I'm a lone parent. Not through choice. It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done. The good job I had disappeared, the money dropped, my health hit a wall, add in health issues with the children. Childcare? What childcare. Family support? For a time but the older generation start dying off.

Would I do it deliberately for my own longing? Hell no. And what of the children? Each child deserves 2 parents. Let's face it, they wouldn't exist with just one.

Children are a 20 year project...I'm over 20 years in. It's just a new set of problems as they get older.

If its the baby cuddles you long for, and yes, they are fantastic,but they pass very quickly.

I suggest you get a dog.

Even as a figure of speech you don’t have a moment where you sit them down and tell them. Just like a child from a conventional family wouldn’t remember being sat down and told about their parents, brother and sister etc. it’s fine if you personally wouldn’t do it but it’s an outdated idea that it would be some kind of dark dreaded secret.

@LilyJosephine would that be the research that now means children have the right to know who their sperm donor is, as it was realised that being born as a result of sperm donation can cause issues. Whereas in the past it was ignored.

A friend of a friend is a SMBC. Didn’t want a partner but did want a child. That child is her everything, so much so her whole life revolves around her child, her social life everything. She is now trying to discourage her child as they get older to have their own life, and possibly go to university, move away etc as all she wanted was to be a mum and cannot imagine her day to day life without her DC. That is not healthy. This is much more than being an empty nester

OK, then, I’m happy to add the proviso ‘if the OP isn’t lying….’ to all my previous comments since apparently you think she is?

His step child, apparently

OP said there is a step-child which I assumed was his child if she is childless. Though having checked the OP she also says the step child is an adult so not sure what happened there.

edit: responding to BunnyLake

I thought my first husband was good father .material he went on and on about how great it was being a dad. As soon as I'd given birth he decided he didn't want to to be a dad after all and that was the end of that. I brought my DS up single handed. He's 42 now and we're very happy. He's met his father and didn't like him from the off. He sees him very occasionally but he doesn't want any relationship with him.
I regret my marriage, never my son.

I’ve never known a childless man in his 20s to have a vasectomy but say we can adopt. That could happen if someone already has kids and is about forty but to have that mindset in your 20s must be quite rare.

I’m a SMBC (and one with spinal problems too now, although I didn’t know about them before my DC was born).

YANBU imo to consider becoming a SMBC (try to ignore those who naysay SMBC and lesbian/Gay families - they often aren’t aware of the research taken over the last 20 or 30 years and tend to be stuck in a 1950’s mindset).

However while my DC is everything to me and the happiest of kids - I personally would only become a SMBC again knowing that I had a lot of close family help (or had a lot of money to buy help)- as it is no fun getting ill or being in pain when it’s just you taking care of a baby/toddler. You need a village/back up support imo.

I’m not saying I feel sorry for him but I’m just not sure OP was deliberately mislead. I’n sorry but there just no way you can believe someone who is having a vasectomy wants kids.

I was a solo parent and honestly I think it has been better in some ways for me and DS. I have been able to raise him exactly in the way that I wanted to with my own boundaries, values and lifestyle choices. I haven't had the interference of an XP to have conflict with and a DC who has gone back and forth between two different homes, or even a dad who lives in the same home but parents in a different way. My DS and I are so close and I am so proud of the young man he is growing up to be.

Yes, there are down sides - the tiredness, the impracticality, the relentlessness of the first few years. But you know all that. You get all that when there are two of you doing it anyway.

I did exactly that at 35. Pregnant with my donor conceived baby, give birth in a couple of months. If you need any tips or advice join one of the single mum by choice groups on Facebook. There is a huge community of women that have done just this.

No. It doesn’t. I’m in my 40s and would never fall for this man’s lies today (if children were an issue which at my age, they definitely aren’t).

In my 20s before I realised men who claim to love you can also happily screw you over without a qualm? I’d have believed what he told me. Just the way the OP did.

If the husband had said ‘no children, ever’, the OP had agreed to this and she had now changed her mind, I’d feel very sorry for both of them.

However, the husband here has lied and lied and lied for years. As you say, the vasectomy strongly suggests he never wanted to have children which means he’s deliberately tricked the OP into thinking otherwise since before they were married (since that’s when they started discussing the subject).

So no, I don’t feel at all sorry for a man who has been caught out in his lies before it’s too late for his wife to have children and who might lose his cosy life as a result.

@Gettingbysomehow do you at least view them as ideal father material before having DC with them?

@LoztWorld would you advocate a woman having a child with a shit dad just so she can have a child

No wonder so many children end up in shit situations

So how do you explain the vasectomy? Doesn’t really say “I plan to have kids” does it?

I remember thinking, with my ex, that if we’d been on the same page, I could have coped with the disappointment of not having a child. If we’d suffered infertility together, grieved together, supported each other in a shared loss - then I would probably have been able to cope, without sinking into depression. But that wasn’t the case for us. He didn’t want kids and I did.

I remember looking at him one Sunday, going on a bike ride, enjoying a lazy Sunday - he was truly happy. He had all he wanted, and he would have been content living this life for ever. Meanwhile I had an aching hole inside me that just wouldn’t go away. In that moment I knew that if I compromised he’d be absolutely fine, and I would be devastated. He could make supportive noises, but he would never be on the same page as me, and ultimately that would have destroyed us. That’s when I knew I had to go.

I dont view husbands as permanent, Ive had three. They go off whenever the mood takes them.
Children however are your permanent family.
How would you feel if you passed the menopause and he decided to leave you for whatever reason? What would you have?
For this reason I do whatever I want. I don't wait for a man to say yes. You are entitled to Iive your life as you want, you only have one life you should live it fully.
I can only imagine how boring my life would have been if I'd lived it through my husbands.
Maybe you will eventually find someone who is more on your wavelength. I have a few friends who have had children on their own. They are very happy.

@anon4net I think if one partner wants and one doesn’t it must be a horrible situation. I very much believe people should be brutally honest from the start and not lead people on with empty promises or vagueness. I had a friend who was adamant she didn’t want them, her future husband felt the same way and they’ve been happily married for decades.

A vasectomy in your twenties seems quite drastic if you're actually still open to the idea of having children. I’ve never come across it myself and would be quite stunned if my sons (both 20s) said they were having one but might still consider a family in future.

I have watched several close friends 'compromise' by not having children - both female and male friends. It's not really a compromise though, it's one person not getting to have the life they would like for themselves, the role they see themselves in, and their dreams coming to fruition - of course where possible -infertility is undiscriminating.

The friends who compromised, paid a huge cost. I don't think they have good relationships. I think their lives pales in comparison to how they imagined and their spouse who made the decision isn't someone they can talk to about it. They are supposed to embrace their 'choice', move on, accept a different life. It has hugely impacted their overall mental health and well-being. One is in therapy, one is depressed and one feels like she can't be around her nieces and nephews as much as she is just sad.

I would ask yourself one last time if you can live without at least trying . If the answer is no, then leave and get started. Your dh can't take this choice from you, unless you let him. There's no guarantee it would work, but there are also other choices as a single. You can't turn off the switch at someone else's demand to wanting to be a parent.

Except he was specifically telling her they would adopt. It’s not a matter of him ‘coming round’, they discussed children before they got married and he said children were in his plans. Which is absolutely classic future faking.

I have issues with the ethics of sperm banks but if you want a child don’t let this man rob you of your chance.

Neither of you is wrong for what you want - you are just not compatible.

I think him having the snip said loud and clear he didn’t want children

The problem is when a man is specifically saying he does want children and the woman really loves him, it’s easy for her to convince herself to believe the words not the actions.

After all, lying about something like that would be a terrible thing today and not something someone would ever do to someone they loved. Right? Right?

I think him having the snip said loud and clear he didn’t want children

I know many single parents (probably more than married parents)
They are the happiest people I know. Their income ranges from high paying to low or no paying + benefits

One of them once said being a single parent is hard because you are the only one to making all decisions but there again being a single parent is the greatest because you are the only one making every decision

My friend described an evening when she had got dc into bed then came downstairs, made her self a drink and got out a couple of crème eggs she had hidden from dc and settled in front of X Factor and put her feet.

If she had been still with her partner she would have come downstairs and had to start cooking a dinner and then eating the dinner then doing the washing up/loading the dishwasher. Etc etc

Over all it’s about not having to compromise on anything not just cooking but holidays, children’s schooling, clothes she wears etc But compromise always seemed to entail him getting his own way and her wants being dismissed

Staying I think you need to look at this as one of those women only “compromises” where you don’t get a say in what you want out of life (you never get men “compromising” and ending up with no choice)

No matter how much you love your dh leaving gives you a voice and a choice

I would be wary about him saying he will have children with you if he feels you pulling away. He only has to mess you around for a few more years and you have missed your chance.

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