AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

@0ctavia that wasn’t what I said. I was talking about partners who were crap before children came on the scene but women still went ahead and had children with them, or had shown they were a shit dad with first child and then they carried on having children with them

I married a wonderful man who I ( and all my friends and family ) thought would be a perfect dad. We had our own house, both had good jobs etc. Once I had kids with him, I found out he was a cheating scumbag who stole money from our joint business to give to his affair partners . And pretended he was working away from home so he could be with them while I was at home dealing with work and the kids single handed.

I divorced him and now he’s a shit father who never sees his kids and doesn’t pay child support. Unfortunately I didn’t have a crystal ball 🙄

@LoztWorld you said the OP must must must do everything she can to have a child, that could involve having a child with a shit dad. You see it many times on here and in RL where the partner is absolutely crap but the woman is desperate to have a child so stays with them for that purpose, and hey presto the child has a shit dad.

The child should come first, if you are not in a great position to have a child then don't have a child.

My personal opinion was is that you should pursue your dreams. I totally understand the need to have a baby.
That being said, I do think it is not OK to devoid a child from the outset of having father on some many different levels. I think it would be better option for you to find someone willing to have a child with you.

Don't give up on our dreams but don't go down the route of being a single mother as it is really hard work that noone appreciate until they are in that position.

@crumblingschools where did I advocate op having a child with a shit dad?

She knows she wants one and she has the means to go it alone and that’s what she should do IMO.

Yes I realize that OP's situation and mine are different but I think in both cases there's an element of believing the grass must be greener on the other side.

Can I give a different perspective. I have two DC. Much wanted after 4 losses. Our youngest is autistic. I have a DH who is amazing and a very hands on dad. Our life is NOTHING like we thought it would be. I couldn't imagine dealing with our two children alone with the additional needs of our youngest. I adore my children and would willingly give my life for them... I'm also not sure that I'd have children again knowing what I know now. That's not saying I regret the ones i have, and as soon as they have their own little personalities you'd never be without them. I just want to be very honest about how hard it can be with a child with additional needs.

One of the saddest things for me recently was an innocent comment my eldest made about his friend who is currently an only child but his friends mum is expecting. DC1 was saying prayers and prayed that the friend wouldn't have an autistic sibling. When I gently asked why, they explained it's really tricky and so tough with the meltdowns and how they have to make allowances for them. We thought we had shielded our eldest from this.

If you're otherwise happy. Is this a deal-breaker for you?

this is the most sensible post!

If you could not actually have children, what then? keep your marriage? adopt? you have a more informed decision making task then!

@KimberleyClark I mentioned this in a previous post. I think it’s one thing to be in a situation in which you can’t have kids, and you’re both grieving that loss together and supporting each other. It’s totally different to be in a situation in which you want kids but your partner doesn’t, so they get the life they wanted and you don’t.

If I were in your shoes, I would leave. You want a baby, he doesn't. There's no squaring that circle. If you stay, wouldn't your resentment at him changing his mind spoil the relationship.
Hanging all your hopes on DSD having kids isn't an answer. She may not have kids, she may move away, she may not want a hands on DSGM....
Single parenthood is hard, there's no getting away from that. But being a mother has been the hardest, best and most rewarding g thing I have done.
At the end of the day, only you know what us best for you.

DH and I could not have children but it never crossed my mind to leave him and find someone else to have children with. I have never regretted that for a moment. What’s the point? I don’t know what my life would have been like if I had had a child. Right now I do know that it is very good indeed.

That's unlikely though isn't it?

She's 34. How long does it take to weed through the degenerates and find a man that's worthy of having a kid. One that wants a kid. And doesn't already have kids of his own?

Say 2,3 years? And it would take a year or 2 of knowing him well enough to decide that she does want him to be the father of her child.
She couldn't be getting pregnant to someone right away.

Maybe she would want to be married first.

And then there's fertility issues when you're approaching 40 for women.

She's not got time on her side at all if she's starting from scratch.

A donor seems the best option.

You’ll regret staying with him until it’s too late and resent him for life. Life is short and a child can bring so much joy to your world

I met a woman at Christmas who did exactly this and she’s is not only raising her DD but giving her the most incredible opportunities whilst doing so.

You are still young, you can either find someone who shares your vision for a family, or you can go it alone. It is now neither here nor there how you got into this situation, vasectomy etc. You are clear about what you want, your DH does not share your want for a family. In my opinion, it's best to cut your losses now, and focus on what you want.

Please don't leave it too late, there is a good chance that your relationship will deteriorate, resentment can build up and you will have run out of time.
Act now, sooner rather than later. I wish you all the best.

I didn't pick either option as I don't think you should stay with a man who doesn't want children, but I also think it's incredibly selfish to deprive a child of a father (or second parent). Everyone saying "put yourself first", err how about put the theoretical child first who would not choose these circumstances.

It's weird and creepy because you are only 34 and are talking about being extremely involved as a grandparent when actually you just want your own child and are wondering if this one will do as a surrogate. If I was your DSD and knew you thought that way it would be a massive red flag.

OP being a mother is hard whether single or not but nothing worth doing is easy. Some people find it a hell of a lot easier being single too lol. If you are financially very stable then you can hire help. Most people have very little help these days and manage it.
Never give up your dream of being a mother, there is nothing on earth that will fill that hole. And nothing you will ever love as much. You will end up extremely resentful of your husband and he will know you are unhappy. I genuinely dont think this relationship will continue to make you happy.

Ignore the people going on about needing 2 parents, again the happy nuclear family isnt such a thing now. I know lots of people raised by 2 parents who were miserable.

My heart goes out to you OP as that sounds like a horrendously hard position to be in. I'm 34 and my husband and I had our son last year - I'm over the moon we had him but my goodness parenting is hard work and relentless. We don't have any family help locally and have definitely felt that keenly - we routinely say that we have the upmost respect for single parents and don't know how they do it.

That being said - being a mother was so important to me and I can't imagine my life without my son.

So I think you need to listen to your gut. If your gut is saying that you want to be a mother more than you want to be in your relationship you need to follow that. However don't underestimate how challenging it will be doing it solo and make sure you've got your village around you.

Another option would be to freeze your eggs - just to buy yourself some time!

@CandidHedgehog I was open to it when we got married, 3 years in when it came down to it and he wanted to have a child I was further on in my career, and didn’t want to, a change of mind is allowed. My husband like OP didn’t have to stay. Our marriage and the life we’d built meant more to him than starting over to have a child. That’s what it boils down to the grass is rarely greener.

You need to leave asap
In fact I would book an appointment to discuss your ovarian reserves now
He has strung you along by saying he would consider adoption and now won't even discuss it. That alone breeds resentment in any issue
He doesn't care about your wants and needs.
His DC isn't even biologically his and with a vasectomy so young it's obvious he never wanted them
Put yourself and your desires first
You will regret it forever if you don't.

It can be, but not always. Not all married couples have two incomes. And not all who do have a spouse that is 'all they should be' My friend's exH was a piece of shit and when he did work 90% of it went on himself (usually on drugs). She was relatively 'low' earning, but was still financially better off without him.

Where it does 'count' is in the event of disability or redundancy. It behooves any parent (married or single) to do good financial planning, since a working married couple usually lives on their combined income so the loss of one income still has an effect. DH and I had that twice in our marriage, luckily we lived 'a bit under' our means and my parents were able to help out until the 'out of work' spouse got back to work. A single parent needs to be especially careful to have a good disability insurance policy and a good sized 'rainy day fund'.

For me, it wouldn’t necessarily be the children / no children issue, it would be the lying.

I doubt you agreed to children before getting married then confirmed constantly throughout the marriage that you would have children at some point? If not (and since most people would never do this, I’m assuming you didn’t), the situation is very different.

How long have you been together? I’ve had the reverse of this, I had my daughter when I was 16, she’s now 24 I did alevels went to uni and went on to become a board director at a FTSE 100. Husband and I have been together 12 years, married 11, we were friends for 4 years before we got together. When I was 34 (daughter had just started uni), husband wanted to have a kid, I personally didn’t we had a good life, we could pretty much do what we wanted when we wanted and I didn’t want to give that up. I remember some of the posts on here at the time, oh he’ll leave bla bla bla. He didn’t and we’re still happy and pretty much able to do what we want when we want. It comes down to one simple thing, is your want/need to have a child greater than the love for your husband and the life you’ve built.

Don’t forget the second salary @AcrossthePond55. That’s the major difference and it’s huge.

It’s worth looking at Prof Susan Golomboks (Cambridge University) research amongst many others (DCN charity can give you a list if you are interested but Golomboks is probably the most accessible as some of her books are available in public libraries.)

Basically it’s best to look at studies that have followed DC children as they have grown up over the last couple of decades. DC children who have been told they were DC from a young age and many from non anonymous donors. They all do at least as well in all rubrics as those in “conventional” families - and on average the DC of the SMBC actually do better (because they don’t tend to suffer from parental separations/family splits the way about half of 2 parent families do).

I can’t speak for an individual SMBC, but I know quite a number of us (including many of my DC’s half siblings mothers) and I can’t ever imagine us treating our children as you describe.

@spottedinthewild

Never choose having a man over a having a child. I ended my first marriage in part because of this. He was a shit anyway, but when he suddenly announced "I never wanted children", that was the last straw. During our courtship and our marriage children were always going to happen 'when the time is right'. But when that right time came, I found out he'd had no intention of ever having them. Sound familiar?

So, it's time for him to shit or get off the pot. No more excuses about your health or whatever. If you want to give it one more chance, you say "I want to have a child NOW. Do you want children, yes or no?". Rinse and repeat the direct question until he gives an honest answer.

One thing though, and I guess in the end it doesn't matter if he really doesn't want children. I know people are harping on the vasectomy thing, but TBH a man having the snip at such an early age screams "No kids!!" really loudly. But since he originally seemed OK with adoption and since he has such a loving relationship with his DSD, is there any chance that there's something genetic in his family that may make him want to not have biological children?

As far as single parenting, my experience is limited to my DH working away from home for 3 years, just home on weekends. I know that's not 'true' single parenting, but honestly it was easy. The rules were mine, the routine was mine, I made all parenting decisions. And I worked full time. The main caveat is that I had a wonderful support system (friends and parents) and I had a job with liberal paid leave policies and coworkers who were mostly parents themselves and so 'got' the trials and tribulations that go along with having kids. My one 'real' single mum friend had the first part, but she didn't have the best support system (it was pretty much me) and her job was stricter about leave. So it was harder for her, but she still wouldn't have changed a thing.

So do I think you should leave your DH and have a baby on your own? Yes, once you've considered what support system you'll have and how your workplace rules and 'dynamics' will impact your parenting. As the saying goes "Having kids is the toughest job you'll ever love".