AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

Agree with this.

If you will regret not having children, then yes, leave.
I raised my DD by myself for 6 years (her Dad turned into a completely different person once she was born) and I loved every minute of it.
She had the best of everything and never missed out.
She saved me, she’s my whole world.
I have since met somebody else and now DD2 is due in the summer.

It doesn't matter what your husband said about adoption. People are allowed to change their minds, regardless if you agree or are happy with it. Ultimately it's his choice, and the one not wanting children does trump the one that does.

Now, your choice, is to stay in your marriage, or leave to try and have the child you would like. No nonsense like trying to change his mind, it just wastes your time. You're in a hard place, but I hope you come to a decision that will make you happy.

I would say that the definition of success depends on the OP, as all families are different.

I note that OP has asked for "brutally honest" replies but is ignoring anyone who is pointing out the downsides of planned single parenthood.

It’s hard to think of the future but Imagine you are 80, would you regret not having children? or imagine your husband dies in 10 years time when you could no longer have children yourself, would you regret it?

If the answer is yes, then go have your babies!

It’s better to have a baby yourself than having one with someone who doesn’t really want it. The only ones who end up suffering if that situation are the children with the dead beat dad. One of my friends was with someone like your husband, she eventually wore him down so much by constantly asking, he had a kid with her. Not long after they split up and it’s been an absolute nightmare for her ever since. On the flip side one of my friends work colleagues had a baby herself from a sperm bank as she didn’t have a partner and wanted a baby, she’s never regretted it once, only that she didn’t do it sooner!

Wait, so he'd been married and divorced and had a vasectomy by the time he was in his 20s, and was living with his parents when you met?

This happened to my step mother. She wanted children but my dad didn't want more. They stayed married and she turned into a bitter, angry woman. She should have left him and found someone else to have a family with.

You are wasting your fertile years with this man!
Get out asap.

If you feel strongly about it and you are prepared to do it alone then do it. I’d suggest you start saving for your relationship exit and begin the process at the clinics sooner rather than later so you can understand timescales and costs. Don’t waste your monthly cycles dithering.
I an sad that your husband is not on the same page as you but honestly, if you start the process and explain its this or no deal it will make him reach his own conclusion (which may well be the same stance as already is) but you have stuck to your conviction. Good luck.

@RampantIvy I actually agree with everything you've said and would never suggest a man is convinced to have a child they don't want.

It's the fact that he's unwilling to discuss it, doesn't appear sympathetic to her feelings, and, is unwilling to tell her the actual reason why he doesn't want kids (instead pretending it's her health that's the issue).

This is all the bare minimum I'd expect if someone had told me pre-marriage that they wanted dc and later changed the goalposts

The feeling won’t go away. If you’re 34 and desperate to have children then you should do that ASAP. Tell him you’ve made the decision to have a child, get the sperm bank appointment and get going. You can sort out the divorce / relationship later, if you wait for all his inevitable umming and ahing you will lose your chance and if motherhood is what you want I think you’ll regret losing that more than you would regret losing him.

Well if was me I’d tell him I was going to have a baby and he could be the father or I would use a sperm bank. If he wants to leave then I’d agree to him divorcing me.

Tho crossed posted. So your step daughter isnt his by blood so he’s tech a step dad to her / is that right ?

but obv been in her life for years and she sees him as dad

where is her bio dad ?

I follow a man on Instagram whose wife is in a wheelchair due to a spinal injury. She gave birth in a unit for women with spinal injuries, twice. I got divorced because my husband told me he didn't want children after ten years together. You have to please yourself in this situation

Your last post changes a lot. He's not already got a biological dc and he had the snip young. That's a pretty big decision to make at a young age when you don't have children so I'd assume he has actually been pretty strongly against having his own dc from a young age?
What did he say when you discussed this pre-marriage??

Ultimately it doesn't change my advice to leave and have a DC as ultimately I doubt the relationship would survive the resentment if you don't - then you've lost both

He's also acting as if his preferences trump yours

But they do. I don't know of any partnership that has survived when the woman wanted a child and the man was either ambivalent or just didn't want one. There are so many threads on MN by women want babies with reluctant fathers and they never end well.

The resentment builds up when everything is left for the woman to do because "you were the one that wanted a baby".

Having children changes a relationship and not always for the better. It can make or break a couple.

IMO if a woman wants a child then both have to be on board or it will never work.

I am not saying don't have a child on your own, that's your choice, no one else's.

But just for arguments sake, IF your spinal issue did cause a problem during or after birth, what are your back-up plans for childcare?

If you think you have all eventualities covered then go ahead if that's what you want.

I did have a longing to be a mum, we adopted. Not saying I regret it, and I love my DS very much and would be devastated if something happened to him now, but life would have been far simpler and much easier without a child -who is now an adult with ND and still takes up a lot of my time and energy.

If you don't you may have regrets, if you do you may have regrets.

No-one on a biased forum can give you sensible advice about something like this.

Him having had the snip is a big sign that he doesn't want children.

It's not a matter you can ever really compromise on either.

If you want kids, you need to separate.

I agree you should leave if you want a child.

But you can't be mad at him. He had the snip before you came along. As is his right.

He didn't take children off the table. They were never on it and you chose to pursue.

Do it.

you want kids. He doesn’t want any more

don’t lose your chance as a mum

my friend used donated sperm and went it alone